STULTITIA 


ittaetmxxMiuamKKi 


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UNIVERSITY  OF  N.C.  AT  CHAPEL  HILL 


00037964541 


STULTITIA 


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STULTITIA 

(Folly) 

From  the  fresco  by   Giotto  in   Cappella  deg-li 

Scrovegni  all   'Arena  in    Padua. 


STULTITIA 

A    Nightmare 
and  an   Awakening 

IN  FOUR  DISCUSSIONS 


A   FORMER   AMERICAN 
GOVERNMENT  OFFICIAL 


?-3-W 


AP 


NEW    YORK 

FREDERICK  A.   STOKES  COMPANY 

PUBLISHERS 


Copyright,  1914,  by 
Arthur  W.  Mueller 


All  rights  reserved 


February,  iq/j; 


TO    MY 

HELPMEET 


CONTENTS 

PAGE 

First  Discussion 3 

Second  Discussion 53 

Third  Discussion 89 

Fourth  Discussion 135 


CHARACTERS 

General  Middleton,  the  Chief  of  Staff. 

Miss    Middleton,     his    daughter     (afterwards    Mrs. 

Drake). 
Captain  Harry  Hawk. 
Mr.  John  Drake,  of  the  State  Department. 
Senator  Dormant. 
Senator  Rock. 
Mrs.  Rock,  his  wife. 
Miss  Rock,  their  daughter. 
Senator  Hyhead. 

Mr.  Shuffler,  a  Representative  in  Congress. 
Mrs.  Evangeline  Tinker. 
Doctor  Harmony. 
Mrs.  Riley,  a  charwoman. 
Daniel  Riley,  her  son. 
Mr.  Turner,  a  clerk  and  friend  of  Dan's. 
Miss  Turner,  his  sister  (afterwards  Mrs.  Hawk). 
Mr.  Hope,  a  socialist. 
Mr.  Stone,  a  labor  leader. 
Mr.  Caro,  an  agitator. 


viii  CHARACTERS 

The  President. 

The  President's  Wife. 

Aide-de-Camp  to  the  President. 

An  Ambassador. 

A  Diplomat. 

Mr.  Goldstein,  a  banker. 

Mr.  Barney. 

Mrs.  Barney,  his  wife. 

Mr.  Charles  Barney,  their  son. 

Admiral  Stevens. 

Mr.  Harrison,  of  the  State  Department. 

Young  Officer. 

Captain  Jeffries. 

Clerk  in  the  War  Department. 

Messenger,  colored. 

Messenger  Boy. 

Servant,  colored. 


FIRST  DISCUSSION 


FIRST  DISCUSSION 

It  is  a  large  room.  Its  massive  utility  and  unsym- 
pathetic lines  give  it  a  character  expressing  the 
meeting  of  middle  XIX th  Century  ugliness  with 
modern  fireproof  strength.  On  the  walls  are 
portraits,  some  of  men  in  military  uniform. 
The  furniture  is  simple  and  spare.  On  our  left 
of  the  center  stands  a  great  flat  desk.  It  is 
piled  with  disordered  papers  and  dispatch  boxes. 
Behind  it  is  an  empty  chair.  On  other  tables 
are  piles  of  documents,  manuscripts  and  books. 
At  a  smaller  desk  sits  a  man  of  thirty-five, — 
Captain  Hawk.  He  has  the  clean-cut  fea- 
tures and  rather  high  cheek  bones  and  the  spare 
figure  of  a  type  of  simon-pure  American.  He 
wears  a  dark  grey  sack  suit  and  is  in  his  shirt 
sleeves.  Opposite  him  sits  a  somewhat  older 
man  of  similar  type,  but  now  stooped  and  with 
a  look  of  sadness,  care  and  some  bitterness. 
In  an  adjoining  room  may  be  heard  the  rattle 
of  many  typewriters.  Clerks  pass  in  and  out 
with  typewritten  copy. 

3 


4  STULTITIA 

CAPTAIN  HAWK 
Hand  me  the  report  of  our  military  attache 
at  the  Paris  Embassy  —  the  one  describing  the 
French  conscription  system  and  their  territorial 
army.  Yes.  (Dictating)  Take  this.  "  Quite 
apart  from  the  vast  saving  of  life  by  preparedness 
for  war,  the  placing  of  the  militia  under  a  uni- 
form discipline  and  training  inculcates  a  national 
spirit."  Another  note.  "  Time  not  wasted.  Men 
taught  trades  during  the  period  of  their  military 
service.  Boy  scout  movement.  Patriotism. 
Discipline  during  the  most  dangerous  period  of 
youth.  Restoration  of  canteen.  Control  of  dis- 
eases. Exercise  and  health  training."  Have  you 
put  in  those  figures  showing  the  thousands  of  lives 
we  sacrificed,  quite  uselessly,  in  that  little  scrap 
with  Spain,  because  we  were  unprepared? 

THE    CLERK 

Oh,  yes,  Sir.  That  was  the  third  or  fourth 
note.  The  last  point  is  numbered  67.  You 
ought  to  take  a  nap,  Captain.  You're  all  in. 
This  day  and  night  rush  takes  me  back  to  the  Span- 
ish War  time.  The  old  man  used  to  stand  here 
like  a  rock.  Pulled  and  hauled  in  every  direc- 
tion.    Never   turned   a    hair.      Calm    as   a  May 


FIRST    DISCUSSION  5 

morning.  Even  swore  courteously.  Never 
smiled.  {He  laughs)  One  day  a  fat  Senator 
blew  in  from  his  seashore  place  to  ask  whether 
Cervera's  fleet  was  likely  to  hit  him.  That  Sen- 
ator had  voted  for  no  navy,  because  they  didn't 
need  one  out  West  where  his  constituents  lived. 
I  guess  he  wanted  the  General  to  send  up  a  cor- 
poral's guard  to  catch  the  shells  and  put  Cervera 
out  at  home  plate. 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

It  seems  to  me  you're  pretty  chipper  this  April 
morning.  This  is  no  Spanish  war.  It's  worse. 
If  our  Department  and  the  Navy  Department  and 
the  State  Department  can't  beat  some  sense  into 
Congress,  their  children  are  going  to  be  made  into 
sausage  meat  by  some  nation  that's  not  too  cocky 
to  face  facts.  That's  all  there  is  about  that.  I'd 
rather  run  a  Spanish  war  a  year  than  be  responsible 
a  week  for  this  blind  drifting.  We've  simply  got 
to  get  these  estimates  through.  Oh,  please  get  me 
that  memorandum  on  our  foreign  relations  as  bear- 
ing on  military  and  naval  policy;  the  one  they  dis- 
cussed at  the  last  Cabinet  meeting. 

The  Clerk  leaves  the  room. 


6  STULTITIA 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

Good  Lord!  Another  week  of  25  hour  days 
like  this,  and  I  see  my  finish.  {He  grows 
drowsy)  No  union  hours  working  for  the  Amer- 
ican Union.  God  bless  the  old  show  anyhow. 
What  damned  fools  we're  getting  to  be.  Lord 
have  mercy  upon  us. 

He  goes  to  sleep  with  his  head  on  his  arm. 
The  Clerk  enters.  He  motions  to  the 
typewriters  to  cease  and  tiptoes  around  the 
room  putting  out  the  electric  lights.  He 
passes  into  the  outer  office  carefully  closing 
the  door.  The  rattle  of  the  typewriters 
grows  faint.      The  room  grows  quite  dark. 

Gradually  the  dawn  lightens  the  big  windows 
through  which  the  silhouette  of  the  Wash- 
ington monument  and  the  green  vista  of  the 
White  Lot  are  seen.  The  chirping  of  birds 
is  heard.  The  first  shaft  of  sunlight  plays 
on  the  portraits  of  Washington  and  Lincoln 
which  hang  side  by  side  above  two  crossed 
swords  at  one  end  of  the  room.  Captain 
Hawk  sleeps  on.  A  rummaging  noise  is 
heard  in  the  corridor  as  the  charwomen  be- 
gin their  scrubbing.      The  door  is   opened. 


FIRST    DISCUSSION  7 

A  broad  woman  with  an  apron  and  a  jolly 
face  stands  with  a  mop  in  one  hand.  She  is 
humming  an  Irish  tune  quite  softly  in  sweet 
low  voice.  Captain  Hawk  moves  nerv- 
ously in  his  sleep  and  mutters: 

CAPTAIN   HAWK 

Poor  navy  fellows.  Worse  than  us.  Sunk  like 
rats.  Three  to  one.  No  chance.  Damn  that  fel- 
low Shuffler.  Everything  for  re-election.  Coun- 
try can  go  to  hell. 

He  awakes  with  a  start. 

CHARWOMAN 

Lord  bless  my  soul,  if  it  ain't  Captain  Hawk. 
It's  scan'alous  you  ruinin'  yer  health  like  this. 
Three  times  this  week  I've  met  ye  goin'  out  when 
I  come  in  the  marnin'. 

CAPTAIN   HAWK 

It's  all  right,  Mrs.  Riley.  We've  got  to  work 
for  a  living  the  same  as  you. 

CHARWOMAN 

Aw,  go  wan.  It's  not  for  a  livin'  yer  wurrukin' 
—  you  with  all  thim  automobiles  'n  foine  horses. 
Why  don't  ye  enjoy  yerself  ? 


8  STULTITIA 

Captain  Hawk  opens  a  cupboard  and  gets  a 
tea-cup,  a  thermos  bottle  and  some  biscuits 
and  drinks  a  cup  of  tea. 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 
Mrs.  Riley,  do  you  love  your  country? 

CHARWOMAN 

Sure,  I  do.  I  love  America  and  I  love  old  Ire- 
land. Wan  of  the  two  of  them's  always  smilin' 
at  me,  so  I  don't  have  to  worry  much  about  either. 
I  hold  me  Government  job,  wurrukin'  three  hours 
a  morning,  an'  I  run  me  boardin'  house  on  the 
side. 

Captain  Hawk  lights  a  cigarette  and  paces 
up  and  down  and  then  stands  back  to  the  man- 
telpiece. 

CHARWOMAN 

Besides,  I  have  me  bye  — 

CAPTAIN   HAWK 

{Solemnly)  Well,  you  see  I  love  my  coun- 
try, too,  only  this  one  is  the  only  one  I've  got  in 
the  whole  world.  So  I  suppose  I  like  to  work  for 
it.      {Bitterly)     A  lot  of  good  it  seems  to  do. 


FIRST   DISCUSSION  g 

CHARWOMAN 
Of  course  your  wurrukin'  does  good.  Yer 
tired.  What's  they  been  doin'  to  ye?  When  I 
come  in  ye  was  swearin'  scan'alous.  An'  what's 
that  ye  sez  about  a  man  named  Shuffler?  Shuf- 
fler's the  name  of  me  Congressman.  He  keeps 
me  in  this  job  because  me  bye  Dan  as  wurks  for 
the  contractor  in  Chicago  is  the  boss  of  tin  pre- 
cincts. The  Honorable  Karl  Shuffler's  moighty 
polite  to  me  bye  Dan. 

CAPTAIN   HAWK 
I'm  glad  Mr.  Shuffler  likes  Dan  and  is  kind  to 
Dan's  good  mother. 

CHARWOMAN 

Aw,  you  livin'  here  in  Washington  and  thinkin' 
it's  kindness.  Ye  ought  to  have  a  mother  to  look 
after  ye !  Dan's  the  finest  bye  in  the  ninth  ward. 
He  controls  the  election.  He's  six  feet,  foine  blue 
eyes  an' — 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

(Interrupting)  You  mean  to  say  seriously 
that  your  son  could  defeat  Mr.  Shuffler  next  No- 
vember? 


io  STULTITIA 

CHARWOMAN 
I  do  thot  —  an'  I  must  be  doin'  up  this  room. 
She  mops  about  and  starts  to  go. 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

What  is  your  address  in  Washington?  Oh, 
never  mind.  The  Superintendent  will  have  it,  of 
course. 

The  Charwoman  goes  out,  looking  puzzled, 
with  a  fond  gesture  toward  Captain  Hawk, 
who  is  not  looking.  Captain  Hawk  goes  to 
the  outer  office  and  returns  with  The  Clerk 
bearing  typewritten  manuscripts.  They  sit 
down  at  his  desk  and  sort  them  into  one  pile. 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

Now  get  a  tape  for  these  and  lay  them  on  the 
Chief's  desk.  We've  made  great  headway  since 
he  went  home  at  midnight.  All  you  people  must 
go  home  now  and  not  come  back  until  this  after- 
noon. You  come  at  three.  Then  we'll  see  what's 
up  and  we  can  send  for  the  others  if  we  need  them. 

The  Clerk  goes  out  through  the  outer  of- 
fice and  Captain  Hawk  goes  over  and  looks 
out  the  window.     The  door  opens  to  admit 


FIRST    DISCUSSION  n 

a  man  of  55,  well  set  up  and  trim,  clad  in 
khaki  uniform  and  brown  boots  and  wearing 
the  insignia  of  a  general  officer.  He  is  Gen- 
eral Middleton,  the  Chief  of  Staff.  With 
him  is  his  daughter,  a  woman  of  thirty, 
straight  and  slender  with  dark  hair  and  eyes, 
a  noble  face  and  simple  manner.  She  is  in 
riding  clothes  and  looks  merry  and  exhila- 
rated. 

THE    GENERAL 

Well,  Hawk,  I  see  you've  made  a  night  of  it 
again. 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

Good  morning,  Miss  Middleton.  Good  morn- 
ing, General.  I've  put  a  tremendous  brief  on  your 
desk.  I  hope  it  will  be  useful  in  your  interviews 
today,  and  at  the  hearings  tomorrow.  When  that 
fellow  Shuffler  — 

MISS   MIDDLETON 

Oh,  who  is  this  Shuffler  man,  Harry?  My 
father  swears  at  him  in  his  sleep  if  he  even  takes 
a  nap. 

CAPTAIN   HAWK 

Oh,  he  is  the  chairman  of  the  party  caucus. 
He's  one  of  our  very  most  poisonous  little  "  lit- 


12  STULTITIA 

tie  Americans."  He's  for  no  battleships,  no 
army,  no  diplomacy.  A  chip  on  each  shoulder 
and  both  arms  in  a  sling  —  that's  his  policy. 

THE    GENERAL 

What  about  our  friend  Shuffler?  He  prom- 
ised to  come  today  really  to  talk  things  over. 
Might  as  well  talk  to  a  sardine  without  a  can- 
opener. 

CAPTAIN   HAWK 
Well,  Mrs.  Riley,  our  charwoman,  is  the  can- 
opener.     Her  son  Daniel  is  foreman  with  a  Chi- 
cago firm  of  contractors  and  is  a  political  boss. 
He's  the  guy  that  can  put  the  shove  in  Shuffler. 

MISS    MIDDLETON 

Harry!  You're  growing  weak  minded.  Go 
home  to  bed  at  once. 

THE    GENERAL 

Please  send  down  my  civilian  clothes  as  soon 
as  you  get  home. 

MISS    MIDDLETON 

Why  change?     You  look  very  nice. 


FIRST    DISCUSSION  13 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

{Ironically)  You  forget  that  we  can't  wear 
uniform  because  Congress  would  see  that  there 
were  a  lot  of  us  in  town  and  that  military  affairs 
were  being  handled  by  professionals,  who  are  of 
course  prejudiced. 

MISS    MIDDLETON 

{To  Capt.  Hawk)  Well,  you  aren't  much 
on  dress  yourself.  Sack  coats  all  winter.  Why 
don't  you  wear  flannels  and  a  straw  hat,  if  you 
will  be  informal,  a  hot  morning  like  this? 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

My  dear  lady.  Your  ancestors  have  been  here 
as  long  as  mine.  No,  I  beat  you  by  ten  years,  we 
got  here  in  1630.  And  you  don't  know  your 
country  a  bit. 

MISS   MIDDLETON 

But  you  ought  to  wear  uniform  on  duty  at  the 
Department.  And  the  others  ought  to  wear  for- 
mal black  coats  and  look  like  officials  in  office 
hours. 


14  STULTITIA 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

Nonsense,  my  dear  lady.  It's  undemocratic  to 
be  properly  dressed.  Uniforms  suggest  czars  — 
abhorrent  to  our  free  institutions.  I  dassent  wear 
a  straw  hat  before  the  decreed  date.  One  can 
only  be  picturesque  in  the  name  of  democracy. 

MISS    MIDDLETON 

Like  Senator  Dormant,  who  hates  the  country 
and  wears  a  sombrero,  low  necked  waistcoat  and 
evening  tie  to  look  like  a  rural  statesman. 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 
Precisely,  Madam.     That  is  unstudied  simplic- 
ity. 

MISS    MIDDLETON 

Goodbye,  father,  I'm  going  to  send  this  chat- 
terbox home. 

They  go  out.  The  General  sits  down  at  his 
desk  and  plunges  into  his  papers.  The  cur- 
tain is  lowered  to  indicate  the  passage  of  two 
hours  and  a  half. 

The  General  in  a  black  cutaway  coat  sits  at 
his  desk  still  studying  the  dossier.      The  door 


FIRST   DISCUSSION  15 

opens  and  an  old  colored  messenger  comes  in 
to  announce  Representative  Shuffler. 

THE    GENERAL 

Show  him  in. 

There  enters  with  lordly  self-assured  air  a 
bustling  man  of  medium  height  and  figure, 
badly  dressed  in  citified  style,  wearing  a 
brown  sack  suit.  The  expression  of  his  face 
is  hard  and  cynical,  with  keen  eyes.  The 
General  advances  toward  the  door  and 
greets  him  with  rather  excessive  warmth. 
This  Mr.  Shuffler  receives  as  a  matter  of 
course  and  with  slight  return,  at  the  same 
time  throwing  himself  into  a  chair,  crossing 
his  legs  and  joining  the  tips  of  his  fingers, 
with  head  on  one  side  and  assuming  a  judi- 
cial attitude. 

THE    GENERAL 

I  cannot  tell  you  how  happy  I  am,  Mr.  Shuf- 
fler, that  you  have  come  in,  really  to  talk  over 
these  matters  of  military  and  naval  legislation. 
Of  course,  I  know  that  you  realize  as  well  as  I 
do  that  they  are  of  vital  interest  to  all  the  men 


16  STULTITIA 

and  women  of  our  country  and  that  upon  them 
depends  our  safety  and  the  safety  of  our  children 
and  our  children's  children.  Of  course,  I  know 
that  you  who  are  the  leaders  in  Congress  feel  the 
terrible  responsibility  of  guarding  the  nation's 
safety,  just  as  keenly  as  we  soldiers  do,  and  just 
as  keenly  as  do  the  naval  and  diplomatic  branches 
of  this  Government. 

Mr.  Shuffler  shifts  his  leg  uneasily,  slowly 
nods  general  acquiescence  and  assumes  a  still 
more  impressive  and  thoughtful  mien.  Then 
briskly  taking  out  his  watch: 

MR.    SHUFFLER 

It's  9:30,  General;  at  10  I  have  a  very  impor- 
tant appointment  to  see  the  President,  in  relation 
to  a  matter  of  grave  moment  to  the  interests  of 
the  party  in  my  State.  (Mr.  Shuffler  unbends 
and  leans  forward  with  a  more  genial  expression, 
tapping  The  General's  knee)  Now,  you're  a 
practical  man,  General.  You  know  the  President 
is  going  too  far  with  this  business  of  disregard- 
ing politics  in  his  appointments.  Civil  Service  is 
all  very  well  for  high-brow  talk,  but  we've  got  to 
keep  the  organization  together.  (Mr.  Shuf- 
fler grows  very  interested,  and  walks  up   and 


FIRST   DISCUSSION  17 

down  the  room)  Yes,  I've  got  to  see  the  Presi- 
dent about  the  appointment  of  that  collector  of 
internal  revenue  in  my  home  town.  ( Turning  to 
The  General  and  speaking  with  a  gesture  and 
expression  of  derision)  Why,  do  you  know,  the 
President  has  nominated  for  Ambassador  that  fel- 
low Drake,  who  works  in  the  State  Department. 
He's  never  done  a  thing  for  the  party  and  we  can't 
stand  for  it. 

THE    GENERAL 

{Uneasily)  I  should  like  nothing  better  than 
to  talk  these  things  over  with  you,  Mr.  Shuffler, 
but  our  time  is  so  short.  Will  you  please  tell 
me  whether  you  are  going  to  be  able  to  hold  the 
caucus  in  favor  of  the  battleship  program,  the 
militia  reorganization  and  the  ship  subsidy  to  give 
us  those  army  transports  ? 

A    NEGRO    MESSENGER 

Senator  Dormant  and  Senator  Rock  with  a 
lady  and  gentleman  with  them,  sir. 

THE    GENERAL 

Excuse  me.     Do  they  wish  to  see  me  together? 


i8 

STULTITIA 

MESSENGER 

Yes,  sir. 

THE    GENERAL 

This  is  too  bad,  Mr.  Shuffler,  just  as  we  were 
getting  down  to  this  great  subject  we  want  to  co- 
operate upon. 

MR.    SHUFFLER 

Oh,  have  them  in.  I  know  both  the  Senators 
well.  {With  an  air  of  -pride)  We  will  talk  it 
all  over  together.  {Confidentially)  You  know 
they're  both  mighty  important  to  you,  in  the  For- 
eign Relations,  Naval  and  Military  Affairs  Com- 
mittees,—  all  three. 

THE   GENERAL 

Show  them  in. 

They  enter.  Senator  Dormant  is  a  tall, 
portly  man  with  a  courteous  manner  and  a 
benign  and  guileless  face.  He  wears  a  long 
dark  coat,  broad  brimmed  black  felt  hat, 
rather  low  waistcoat  and  white  tie;  carries 
a  cane  and  speaks  with  a  slight  Southern  ac- 
cent.    Senator  Rock  has  the  air  of  a  self- 


FIRST    DISCUSSION  19 

made  man,  but  a  man  of  the  world.  He 
exudes  an  atmosphere  of  prosperity  and  well- 
being.  He  looks  clever  and  determined. 
The  lady  is  dressed  plainly  and  unfashion- 
ably.  She  wears  gold-rimmed  eyeglasses 
tethered  to  her  back  hair  by  a  fine  gold  chain 
and  black  silk  gloves  and  carries  a  bulging 
bag  of  twine  net.  She  is  of  medium  height, 
spare,  rather  sallow, —  a  woman  of  fifty. 
The  third  man  is  below  the  middle  height, 
and  of  rotund  figure,  sleek  in  address  and 
appearance.  He  has  small  grey  eyes,  a  rosy 
complexion  and  wears  an  obsolete  style  of 
mutton-chop  whiskers.  He  speaks  with  a 
New  England  accent. 
The  General  advances  to  meet  them,  bowing 
ceremoniously  to  the  lady,  and  shaking  hands 
with  the  Senators. 

SENATOR    ROCK 

General,  I  want  you  to  know  Mrs.  Evangeline 
Tinker,  the  well-known  leader  in  the  temperance 
movement.  Mrs.  Tinker  is,  without  doubt,  the 
most  influential  woman  in  my  State  and  is  one  of 
my  constituents  whom  I  am  most  proud  to  rep- 
resent.     {Clearing  his  throat)      Mrs.  Tinker  is 


20  STULTITIA 

here  In  opposition  to  the  movement  to  restore  the 
canteen  to  the  Army. 

The  General  bows  gravely. 

SENATOR   DORMANT 

General,  I  have  the  honor  to  present  to  you 
Doctor  Harmony,  of  the  Peace  and  Arbitration 
Society.  Doctor  Harmony  has  given  years  of 
study  to  the  peace  movement  in  this  and  other 
countries.  He  has  been  presented  at  many  Euro- 
pean courts  and  has,  indeed,  received  a  personal 
assurance  from  many  of  the  sovereigns  of  Europe 
that  they  are  ardently  devoted  to  the  cause  of  peace 
and  hope  for  disarmament  at  the  first  opportune 
moment. 

Doctor  Harmony  rubs  his  hands,  swells  up 
a  little  and  with  a  sweet  smile  of  confidence 
in  pleading  a  righteous  cause ,  says: 

DR.    HARMONY 

Yes,  General,  I  am  a  proud  and  patriotic  Amer- 
ican. I  like  to  see  America  take  the  lead  and  I 
want  to  have  the  United  States,  and  particularly 
the  present  administration,  bring  to  our  beloved 
country  that  highest  of  possible  honors,  the  honor 


FIRST    DISCUSSION  21 

of  taking  the  initiative  in  the  great  movement  of 
international  disarmament. 

Captain  Hawk  enters  and  quietly  seats  him- 
self at  his  desk,  exchanging  the  barest  nod 
with  The  General. 

MR.    SHUFFLER 

The  Doctor  here  has  eloquently  expressed  a 
feeling  which  I  have  felt  obliged  me  to  oppose 
any  excessive  naval  or  military  increases  at  the 
present  juncture.  Our  people  are  complaining  of 
the  high  cost  of  living.  The  opposition  party  has 
raised  the  cry  of  economy  in  government.  We 
must  — 

SENATOR  DORMANT 
{In  a  rather  oratorical  tone)  The  wise  fathers 
who  framed  the  Constitution,  which  is  the  pal- 
ladium of  our  liberties,  and  who  saw  with  such 
unerring  vision  the  future  course  marked  out  for 
this  their  country,  never  intended  that  we  should 
fall  the  victims  of  militarism.  Now  General 
Washington  especially  warns  us  — 


22  STULTITIA 

THE    GENERAL 

I  know,  Senator,  General  Washington  thought 
we  should  avoid  entangling  alliances.  That  is 
very  true,  no  doubt,  but  we  must  not  get  into  the 
position  of  the  defenseless  little  boy  with  all  the 
bullies  leagued  against  him.  I  revere  the  wisdom 
of  the  founders  of  the  Republic.  They  were  too 
wise  to  dogmatize  as  to  the  manner  of  dealing 
with  the  new  situations  of  the  distant  future. 
They  looked  at  the  facts  as  they  were  then.  We 
only  ask  you  to  look  at  the  facts  as  they  are  now. 
We  beg  you  to  consider  those  facts  and  answer 
our  arguments,  if  you  can,  with  reason.  But  don't 
try  to  kill  scientifically  prepared  plans  for  the  na- 
tional defense  by  quoting  a  dogma  uttered  by 
Washington  or  Jefferson  when  obviously  thinking 
of  a  quite  different  situation. 

SENATOR   DORMANT 

Well,  well,  the  United  States  has  plenty  of  busi- 
ness to  attend  to  at  home.  I  don't  believe  in  this 
new  diplomacy  and  interference  with  these  little 
South  American  republics.  I  don't  believe  in  our 
mixing  in  about  their  custom  houses,  and  debts, 
and  loans.  Let  'em  eat  one  another  up  if  they 
want  to  and  good  riddance.     We've  got  troubles 


FIRST    DISCUSSION  23 

enough  of  our  own.     I   agree  with,  the   Doctor 
here.     I'm  for  arbitration. 


SENATOR    ROCK 

Senator,  we  are  detaining  Mrs.  Tinker,  so  if 
you  will  allow  me,  I  will  now  ask  her  to  state  to 
General  Middleton  her  position  on  this  canteen 
question  {clearing  his  throat)  one  in  which  I  take 
a  peculiar  interest. 

MRS.    TINKER 

Well,  General,  if  you  and  the  Secretary  of  War 
persist  in  pressing  to  restore  to  the  army  the  in- 
iquitous institution  of  the  canteen,  we  propose  to 
start  such  an  agitation  in  every  State  in  this  Union, 
through  the  press  and  from  the  pulpit,  that  the 
President  will  have  to  get  a  Secretary  of  War  and 
a  Chief  of  Staff  who  will  not  cater  to  the  liquor 
interests  and  debauch  the  youth  of  the  country 
with  the  demon  rum  through  the  vile  institution 
of  the  canteen. 

THE    GENERAL 
{Coloring,  but  speaking  with  disarming  cour- 
tesy)     But,  my  dear  Madam,  allow  me  — 


24  STULTITIA 

MRS.    TINKER 

Our  Association  has  organizations  in  every 
State  of  the  Union  and  is  affiliated  with  all  those 
who  fight  in  the  great  army  of  purity  and  temper- 
ance.    We  are  going  to  — 

THE    GENERAL 

My  dear  Mrs.  Tinker,  I  should  have  been  most 
happy  to  discuss  this  subject  with  you  with  the  ut- 
most frankness,  but  I  see  that  you  are  already 
convinced.  I  suppose  you  are  aware  that  the 
liquor  interests  in  your  State  are  also  opposing  the 
restoration  of  the  canteen.  The  whisky  dealers 
evidently  think  they  can  sell  more  bad  whisky 
in  the  low. dives  which  infest  the  neighborhoods 
just  outside  our  military  posts.  We  cannot  con- 
trol those  dives.  They  are  having  a  ruinous  ef- 
fect upon  the  health  and  morals  of  the  soldiers. 
We  want  the  canteen  precisely  because  we  believe 
in  temperance  —  in  health.  However,  you  must 
have  considered  all  this  before  taking  the  responsi- 
bility of  opposing  the  canteen. 

MRS.    TINKER 

(To  Senator  Rock)  I  am  sorry,  very  sorry, 
Senator,  to   find  General   Middleton   against  us. 


FIRST    DISCUSSION  25 

Having  made  my  position  plain,  it  remains  to  me 
only  to  leave  with  him  this  copy  of  a  petition 
bearing  10,000  names.  (She  rises  and  fishes  it 
out  of  the  net  bag)  I  bid  you  good  day,  General 
Middleton. 

SENATOR    ROCK 

Shall  I  accompany  you,  Mrs.  Tinker? 

MRS.    TINKER 

No,  thank  you,  Senator;  but  I  would  like  you 
to  take  me  to  see  the  President  tomorrow. 

SENATOR   ROCK 
(Bowing)     Always  at  your  service.     You  have 
only  to  telephone  when  you  would  like  me  to  make 
the  appointment. 
Mrs.  Tinker  goes  out. 

THE    GENERAL 

( To  Senator  Rock,  with  a  quizzical  expres- 
sion) I  thought  I  wouldn't  mention  to  Mrs. 
Tinker  the  letter  you  sent  me  from  that  distilling 
company  in  your  State,  sharing,  for  different  rea- 
sons, her  opposition  to  the  canteen.  I  thought 
there  was  a  possibility  that  Mrs.  Tinker  might 


26  STULTITIA 

misunderstand  {slight  pause)  although,  of  course, 
I  quite  appreciate  the  impartiality  with  which  you 
have  to  represent  all  interests. 

SENATOR    ROCK 

Oh,  yes,  of  course,  of  course.  You  did  quite 
right,  General.  Sometimes  women  do  not  under- 
stand these  matters. 

THE    GENERAL 

Gentlemen,  it  is  a  great  privilege  to  me  to  have 
this  opportunity  to  discuss  with  you  a  matter  of 
such  vital  interest  to  the  whole  American  people 
as  the  protection  of  this  country  in  its  position 
among  nations.  {To  Dr.  Harmony)  Dr. 
Harmony,  if  it  interests  you,  I  should  be  happy 
if  you  would  remain,  because  we  want  all  reason- 
able advocates  of  peace  and  arbitration  to  be  on 
our  side.  We  all  want  peace,  you  know,  but  we 
want  to  be  able  to  fight  for  it,  if  necessary. 

dr.  harmony 
I  shall  feel  honored  to  be  permitted  to  remain. 

The  Colored  Messenger  announces  Sen- 
ator Hyhead.  The  other  three  politicians 
sigh  as  he  is  announced. 


FIRST    DISCUSSION  27 

THE    GENERAL 

Shall  I  have  the  Senator  shown  in? 

SENATOR   ROCK 

You  might  as  well.     Then  you  will  have  all 
parties  represented. 

Senator  Hyhead  enters  with  a  solemn  expres- 
sion and  the  haltingly  aggressive  manner  of 
a  man  ill  at  ease.  He  is  a  gaunt  man,  re- 
sembling a  certain  type  of  country  school- 
teacher. He  is  very  thin,  with  a  narrow 
careworn  face  and  fanatical  eyes  behind  spec- 
tacles. His  dress  is  shabby  and  his  manner 
very  intense.  The  General  rises  to  greet 
him  and  offers  him  a  chair.  All  shake  hands, 
but  without  warmth. 

SENATOR   HYHEAD 

I  am  afraid  I  am  interrupting,  gentlemen. 

THE    GENERAL 

Not  at  all,  Senator,  what  can  I  do  for  you  this 
morning? 

SENATOR    HYHEAD 

I  wanted  to  ask  you  to  give  instructions  to  have 
the  band  play  at  Fort  Jones  next  Saturday  at  a 


28  STULTITIA 

meeting  of  the  Jonesville  Political  Economy  Club, 
at  which  I  am  to  deliver  an  address.  There  is  a 
great  popular  movement  out  there,  and  I  trust 
you  will  not  hesitate  to  help  us  out. 

THE    GENERAL 

May  I  inquire  the  object  of  the  meeting? 

SENATOR    HYHEAD 

Oh,  I'm  to  speak  on  direct  government,  the  re- 
call of  judicial  decisions;  in  fact,  the  great  expres- 
sive movement. 

THE    GENERAL 

I'll  do  my  best  for  you,  Senator,  though  I  con- 
fess I  am  a  little  afraid  some  of  our  bureaucrats 
may  cite  our  rule  forbidding  the  army  to  take 
part,  one  way  or  another,  in  political  questions. 
I'll  let  you  know  by  telephone,  Senator. 

Senator  Hyhead  starts  to  rise. 

THE    GENERAL 

Won't  you  remain?  We  are  just  discussing 
the  subject  of  preserving  the  national  honor  and 
safety  by  adequate  military  and  naval  legislation 
at  the  present  session  of  Congress. 


FIRST    DISCUSSION  29 

SENATOR    HYHEAD 
{Looking  at  his  watch)      I  am  very  busy,  draft- 
ing a  bill  for  the  protection  of  water  fowl,  but  I 
think  I  can  spare  a  few  minutes. 

THE    GENERAL 

Captain  Hawk,  please  ask  the  Chief  of  the  Po- 
litical Bureau  in  the  State  Department  and  the 
Chief  of  the  Bureau  of  Naval  Intelligence  of  the 
Navy  Department  to  come  around  here  right 
away.  I'd  like  them  to  be  able  to  answer  any 
questions  in  their  line  which  might  come  up. 

Captain  Hawk  telephones. 

SENATOR   ROCK 

While  we  are  waiting,  General,  I  want  you  to 
make  a  note  of  young  Charles  Barney.  You 
know,  the  son  of  the  great  department  store  man. 
He  is  a  nice  boy,  but  since  he  squeezed  through 
college  he  has  given  his  father  some  trouble,  and 
now  he  wants  to  go  into  the  army.  His  father 
wants  to  take  advantage  of  this  disposition  to  do 
something  serious  and  I  want  to  know  whether  we 
can't  get  the  young  man  a  commission  as  lieu- 
tenant, or  something. 


30  STULTITIA 

SENATOR   DORMANT 

There's  another  thing  that  I  think  Senator  Rock 
is  interested  in,  just  as  I  am.  What's  all  this 
talk  about  abolishing  military  posts  and  concen- 
tration in  big  garrisons? 

SENATOR   ROCK 

Yes,  we  can't  stand  for  that.  Why,  do  you 
know,  General,  there  are  four  towns  in  my  State 
where  the  prosperity  of  seven  or  eight  thousand 
people  depends  upon  the  maintenance  of  those 
military  posts? 

THE   GENERAL 

You  see,  Senator,  it's  a  very  wasteful  and  ex- 
pensive system.  Concentrated  garrisons  are 
necessary  to  military  efficiency  and  the  training 
of  large  units.     We  think  it's  our  duty  — 

SENATOR   ROCK 
{Coloring  slightly)      I  can't  help  that.     Our 
constituents  won't  stand  for  it  and  Senator  Dor- 
mant and  I  have  arranged  to  kill  that  bill. 

The    Colored    Messenger    announces    Mr. 
Drake     and     Admiral     Stevens.     Mr. 


FIRST    DISCUSSION  31 

Drake  is  a  man  above  40,  with  black  hair 
and  blue  eyes,  rather  pale,  slim,  but  strongly 
built,  wearing  a  black  cutaway  coat.  He  has 
a  very  earnest  and  grave  address,  relieved  by 
a  pleasant  urbanity.  Admiral  Stevens  has 
the  complexion  of  the  quarter  deck,  but  the 
manner  of  the  office.  Bowing  slightly  to  The 
General  and  others  present,  he  walks  rap- 
idly across  the  room,  carrying  a  large  port- 
folio, and  seats  himself  at  one  side  of  The 
General's  desk,  while  Mr.  Drake,  also 
carrying  a  portfolio,  shakes  hands  with  The 
General  and  is  introduced  to  the  others, 
after  which  he  seats  himself  between  The 
General's  desk  and  that  of  Captain 
Hawk,  upon  whom  he  bestows  a  slow  and 
sorrowful  wink. 

senator  dormant 
{Nodding  patronizingly  in  the  direction  of  Mr. 
Drake)  Young  man,  I  may  say  to  you  that  I 
disapprove  of  the  policy  of  the  State  Department. 
You  keep  mixing  us  up  with  these  South  American 
republics.  You're  fooling  around  over  in  Li- 
beria ;  you're  mixed  up  with  these  Chinese  loans  — 


32  STULTITIA 

SENATOR  HYHEAD 
{Speaking  with  a  didactic  precision)  Yes, 
there  are  many  people  in  the  West  who  strongly 
deprecate  the  disposition  of  the  State  Department 
to  involve  the  United  States  with  foreign  coun- 
tries, in  order  to  enable  Wall  Street  to  loan  them 
money  at  great  profit. 

SENATOR   DORMANT 

Why,  John  Hay  just  proclaimed  the  "  open 
door  "  in  China.  He  didn't  mix  us  up  in  a  lot 
of  trouble.  We  used  to  have  friendly  relations 
with  Latin-America  without  having  to  "  run  to 
the  fire  "  every  time  they  had  a  revolution. 

THE    GENERAL 
You    know,     Mr.     Drake,     Senator    Dormant 
doesn't  believe  in  maintaining  the  Monroe  Doc- 
trine. 

SENATOR   DORMANT 

(Jumps  and  leans  forward  in  wide-eyed  amaze- 
ment) What's  that,  you  say !  Don't  believe  in  the 
Monroe  Doctrine!  (Rising,  stepping  forward  in 
evident  emotion  and  raising  his  cane  he  says  with 
passion)      I  tell  you,  sir,  I  believe  in  maintaining 


FIRST    DISCUSSION  33 

and  enforcing  the   Monroe   Doctrine  up   to   the 
hilt. 

He  brings  his  stick  down  on  the  floor  with  a 
bang. 

THE    GENERAL 
{Very    quietly)      I    am   glad   I   misunderstood 
you,  Senator. 

MR.    DRAKE 

{Drily)  I  know.  The  Senator  is  one  of  those 
statesmen  who  believe  in  maintaining  the  Monroe 
Doctrine,  but  who  won't  help  us  safeguard  it. 
The  Senator  objects  to  our  taking  measures  now 
to  help  Central  America  keep  out  of  trouble. 
He's  willing  to  let  things  slide  in  order  that  we 
may  get  into  as  much  trouble  as  possible  later  on. 
Why,  Senator,  the  Monroe  Doctrine  gives  us  a 
sphere  of  influence  and  of  more  or  less  responsi- 
bility all  the  way  from  the  Mexican  border  to  Cape 
Horn. 

THE    GENERAL 

{Evidently  with  the  object  of  making  the  con- 
versation more  amicable)  Oh,  I  forgot  to  intro- 
duce you  all.     Admiral  Stevens,  do  you  know  Sen- 


34  STULTITIA 

ator  Rock?      {They  shake  hands)      Doctor  Har- 
mony, Admiral  Stevens. 

Doctor  Harmony  steps  forward  to  extend  his 
hand.     The  Admiral  bows  rather  stiffly. 

ADMIRAL    STEVENS 

I  know  your  work  very  well,  Doctor  Harmony. 
It's  pretty  hard  for  us  to  buck  the  peace  trust  with 
your  hundred  million  dollar  endowment.  Mr. 
Shuffler  and  Senator  Rock  here,  are  on  your  coun- 
cil, aren't  they? 

DR.    HARMONY 
Yes;   this  great  movement  has  enlisted  their 
valuable  support. 

ADMIRAL   STEVENS 

That's  all  very  well.  You  enjoy  the  dreams. 
We  face  the  music.  I  don't  think  a  referendum 
would  show  the  American  people  ready  to  turn 
the  other  cheek.  We're  trustees  of  their  honor 
and  it's  no  fun.  Why  no  other  country  ever  had 
such  a  sphere  of  responsibility.  The  navy  has  to 
maintain  it.  The  leading  European  Powers  are 
building  battleships  three  times  as  fast  as  we  are. 


FIRST    DISCUSSION  35 

MR.    DRAKE 

The  Senator  swears  by  the  Monroe  Doctrine, 
but  rejects  all  that  logically  goes  with  it.  A  Carib- 
bean republic  runs  into  debt  with  Europe  and 
won't  listen  to  reason.  We  won't  let  Europe 
seize  a  port  and  force  payment.  Oh,  no,  Mon- 
roe Doctrine !  American  diplomacy  gets  some 
patriotic  American  bankers  to  hazard  the  money 
to  wipe  out  the  European  debt  and  put  the  repub- 
lic on  its  feet.  Then  Senator  Hyhead  announces 
that  we  sold  out  to  Wall  Street  and  Senator  Dor- 
mant says  in  the  Senate  that  we  must  avoid  en- 
tangling alliances !  Do  you  really  think  the 
United  States  of  America  can  become  seriously 
entangled  with  a  little  banana  republic?  And,  if 
American  diplomacy  needs  money  in  the  nation's 
business,  I  ask  you,  ought  we  to  apply  to  a  black- 
smith or  to  a  banker? 

ADMIRAL    STEVENS 

{In  a  gruff  voice)  Some  day,  one  of  our  Euro- 
pean friends  will  get  tired  of  this  and  sail  in  and 
seize  a  port. 

MR.   DRAKE 

Then  Senator  Dormant  will  ask  us  to  enforce 
the  Monroe  Doctrine  up  to  the  hilt. 


36  STULTITIA 

ADMIRAL    STEVENS 

And  the  American  people  will  have  the  pleasure 
of  seeing  our  little  fleet  of  battleships  sunk  by 
a  superior  force.  The  Monroe  Doctrine  will  die 
hard  and  the  bones  of  the  Navy  will  be  its  monu- 
ment. 

MR.    SHUFFLER 

( To  Mr.  Drake)  You  seem  to  be  pretty  free 
with  your  opinions,  young  man,  in  the  presence 
of  distinguished  Senators.  This  won't  increase 
your  chances  for  confirmation  for  that  embassy. 
You  never  did  anything  for  the  party  anyway. 

MR.    DRAKE 

That's  all  right,  Mr.  Shuffler.  You  work  for 
the  party  and  I'll  work  for  the  country.  I  don't 
care  if  I'm  never  confirmed  for  anything  again. 
It's  about  time  somebody  should  talk  out  loud  to 
you  if  you  won't  listen  to  reason.  We  give  our 
minds  and  hearts  and  souls  to  special  branches  of 
the  public  interest  and  might  be  supposed  to  know 
something  about  them.  Do  you  heed  us?  Oh, 
no.  We're  prejudiced.  It's  beneath  the  dignity 
of  the  Legislative  to  listen  to  the  experts  of  the 


FIRST    DISCUSSION  37 

Executive.     I'm  going  out  to  try  to  explain  a  few 
things  to  my  fellow  citizens. 

THE    GENERAL 

Mr.  Drake,  these  gentlemen  have  come  here  to 
discuss  these  matters  in  a  broad  way.  I  know 
they  will  excuse  your  over-zeal  as  only  reflecting 
the  strength  of  your  convictions.  We  are  all 
working  for  the  interest  of  the  nation  and  we  can 
have  no  serious  disagreement. 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

General,  wouldn't  you  like  Mr.  Drake  to  bring 
out  some  of  the  points  in  that  political  memoran- 
dum? 

THE    GENERAL 

Yes.  Senators,  I  will  ask  Mr.  Drake,  merely 
as  a  matter  of  interest,  to  speak  a  little  further 
about  the  Monroe  Doctrine. 

MR.    DRAKE 
The  Monroe  Doctrine  is  most  likely  to  be  chal- 
lenged in  the  neighborhood  of  the  Panama  Canal 
and  the  Zone  of  the  Caribbean.     In  that  neigh- 
borhood the  republics  need  our  help  to  give  them 


38  STULTITIA 

financial  and  political  stability;  to  give  them  edu- 
cation; and  to  protect  their  people  when  murder- 
ous grafters  try  to  become  dictators.  You  know 
the  Kilkenny  cat  row  we've  been  dealing  with  just 
over  the  border  for  the  last  couple  of  years  or 
more.  Well,  now,  south  of  Panama,  which  is  a 
virtual  protectorate  like  Cuba  and  Santo  Domingo, 
we  have  quite  a  different  lot  of  countries.  Brazil, 
Argentina,  Chile,  and  perhaps  others  have  pretty 
well  got  to  be  first  class  countries.  Some  of  the 
other  republics  are  backward.  The  United  States 
has  no  designs  against  any  of  them.  All  the  time, 
in  season  and  out  of  season,  whatever  we  do  is 
deliberately  misunderstood.  The  Monroe  Doc- 
trine, which  they  should  worship  on  their  knees, 
is  resented.  American  motives  and  the  "  Yankee 
Peril "  are  constantly  exploited  in  their  politics. 
This  is  getting  very  tiresome.  We  can't  get  away 
from  the  Monroe  Doctrine  in  its  greatest  intensity 
from  here  to  Panama  inclusive.  We  can't  stand 
perpetual  turmoil  north  of  there.  I'm  beginning 
to  think  we  ought  to  consider  giving  up  the  Mon- 
roe Doctrine  from  Panama  south  and  frankly  de- 
claring a  vjrtual  protectorate  from  here  to  Pan- 
ama, including  the  republics  of  the  Caribbean. 


FIRST    DISCUSSION  39 

SENATOR   DORMANT 

(Hotly)  Give  up  nothing.  Why,  we're  on 
friendly  terms  with  all  the  world.  Pshaw !  No- 
body would  dare  to  challenge  the  Monroe  Doc- 
trine.    Besides,  this  arbitration  movement  — 

MR.  DRAKE 
(Obviously  trying  to  be  affable  and  with  a  hope- 
less little  laugh)  There  you  go  again,  Senator. 
To  challenge  the  Monroe  Doctrine  seriously 
would  be  a  political  act.  Nobody  —  not  even 
Doctor  Harmony  —  has  ever  dreamed  of  arbi- 
trating a  political  act.  If  I  injure  you  by  breaking 
a  contract,  you  can  sue  me;  but  if  I  steal  your 
horse,  there  you  are.  I  have  the  horse, —  there's 
no  use  arbitrating  whether  I  had  the  right  to  steal 
it  or  not.  I  had  the  power.  I've  got  the  horse. 
That's  all  there  is  about  it.  But  to  go  back  to 
the  Monroe  Doctrine,  if  we  forever  hold  an  um- 
brella over  all  the  twenty  other  American  repub- 
lics they  never  will  know  enough  to  come  in  out 
of  the  rain !  What  good  does  it  do  us  ?  If  some 
vigorous  nation  made  them  colonies,  they'd  be  a 
better  market  for  us  than  they  are  now.  They'd 
have  somebody  else  to  hate  and  fear.  They'd 
love  and  appreciate  us  then, —  when  it  was  too 


40  STULTITIA 

late.  Somebody  else  could  walk  the  floor  with 
them.  If  we've  bitten  off  more  than  we  can  chew 
—  or  if  the  Monroe  Doctrine  is  out  of  date  — 
why  let's  admit  it ! 

ADMIRAL  STEVENS 
{In  rather  a  gruff  and  grumbling  tone)  How 
many  foreign  ships  do  you  expect  us  to  stand  off, 
Senator,  with  the  sample  line  of  battleships 
you've  given  us?  And  who's  going  to  help  us 
out?     That's  what  I'd  like  to  know. 

SENATOR   ROCK 

Speaking  of  battleships,  we're  going  to  have 
smaller  ones.  These  dreadnoughts  don't  fit  half 
our  navyyards.  Why,  lots  of  our  constituents  are 
kicking  because  no  money  comes  to  their  localities 
any  more.  The  new  ships  are  only  sent  to  the 
three  or  four  big  yards.  Now  the  prosperity  of 
a  dozen  towns  depends  on  getting  this  work.* 

*  Footnote :  For  the  fact  that  this  attitude  was  actually 
taken,  incredible  as  it  may  seem,  we  have  the  authority  of  the 
ex-Secretary  of  War,  the  Honorable  Henry  L.  Stimson  (see 
Harper's  Weekly,  June  21,  1913). 


FIRST    DISCUSSION  41 

ADMIRAL    STEVENS 

But  we've  got  to  have  big  ships.  We  can't  be 
responsible  — 

SENATOR   ROCK 

Nonsense.  You'll  take  little  ones  or  none  at 
all.     Why  my  constituents  — 

MR.    DRAKE 

Let's  get  back  to  peaceful  diplomacy.  You  see, 
Admiral,  as  Senator  Dormant  says,  Washington 
said  that  we  must  have  no  entangling  alliances. 
Now  we  are  a  world  power  — 

ADMIRAL    STEVENS 

Yes,  from  the  moment  we  announced  the  Mon- 
roe Doctrine,  from  the  moment  we  acquired  the 
Hawaiian  Islands  or  an  inch  of  outlying  territory, 
it  was  a  case  of  a  big  navy  —  and  big  ships  —  or 
a  bad  thrashing. 

MR.    DRAKE 

We've  long  been  in  for  all  the  responsibilities. 
Congress  won't  even  give  us  a  trained  diplomatic 
service  to  keep  us  out  of  trouble.     We  are  given 


42  STULTITIA 

no  adequate  navy  and  the  State  Department's  told, 
"  No,  you  can't  make  any  alliances;  Washington 
said  so."  If  it  comes  to  trouble  we  want  to  be 
licked;  we  won't  be  strong  ourselves  and  we  don't 
want  a  powerful  friend  to  help  us  out. 

SENATOR    HYHEAD 

These  are  very  fine  theories,  gentlemen,  but  you 
bureaucrats  are  too  far  removed  from  the  pulse 
of  the  plain  people.  Now  in  my  part  of  the  coun- 
try, a  thousand  miles  from  the  sea  coast,  why 
they'd  laugh  at  me.  Besides,  it's  preposterous. 
It's  all  theory.  (Rising  and  looking  at  his  watch) 
Well,  I've  got  to  go  back  to  work.  Senators,  I 
hope  I  can  count  on  your  support  for  that  bill  of 
mine  for  the  protection  of  waterfowl.  It  will  be 
up  in  a  few  days. 

He  hows  toward  The  General  and  starts 
toward  the  door  with  a  very  grave  manner. 
The  others  rise. 

SENATOR   ROCK 

Admiral,  of  course  you  want- more  battleships. 
Every  fellow's  stuck  on  his  own  business.  Why, 
if  we  listened  to  these  departments  — 


FIRST    DISCUSSION  43 

MR.    DRAKE 

Doctor  Harmony,  I  want  to  ask  your  help  with 
these  gentlemen.  You  have  more  influence  than 
we  have.  Now  as  a  peace  proposition,  we  want 
to  bring  the  countries  just  south  of  us  into  the  cur- 
rent of  the  great  economic  forces  —  to  show  them 
that  peace  and  order,  not  fighting,  will  bring  them 
happiness  and  prosperity.  Now  isn't  this  the  only 
real  peace  "  dope  "?  Aren't  all  your  peace  con- 
ferences and  love  feasts  a  hollow  sham?  We 
work,  through  commerce  and  finance  for  the  in- 
ward grace  of  intelligent  self-interest  in  peace. 
This  is  the  modern  diplomacy,  following  social  and 
economic  laws.  Some  newspapers  tried  to  kill  it 
by  calling  it,  "  Dollar  Diplomacy."  You  work  for 
the  outward  sign.  If  you  help  us  now,  your  work 
may  mean  something  some  day.  And  if  we  have 
to  go  in  and  establish  order  in  some  country? 
Well,  we  go  to  establish  peace  and  order  and  jus- 
tice —  to  make  the  people  of  that  country  co- 
operate with  the  rest  of  the  world.  A  long  job? 
Yes,  perhaps.  But  then  these  people  will  find 
after  a  while  that  they  rather  like  peace.  Be- 
sides, if  we  don't  want  to  put  them  all  to  school 
at  once,  we  can  begin  with  part ;  or  we  can  bottle 
them  up  and  starve  them  out  until  they've  paid  for 


44  STULTITIA 

their  folly  and  are  ready  to  be  good.  There  are 
many  ways.  But  can't  you  see  that  that  would 
be  a  work  of  peace,  too?  A  fight,  yes;  but  a 
fight  for  peace.  And  if  we  do  have  to  send  our 
army  into  some  country,  God  grant  some  fool 
won't  get  up  and  promise  we'll  get  out  again! 
We've  got  to  do  our  present  duty.  We  can  see 
and  do  our  future  duty  when  the  time  comes.  By 
talking  sentiment  and  disarmament  now  you're 
simply  shutting  your  eyes  and  courting  disaster. 

DR.    HARMONY 

{Rather  red  and  impatient)  My  dear  Sir,  I 
make  allowance  for  your  professional  zeal.  That 
is  the  trouble  with  trained  diplomatists.  I  have 
been  at  the  great  Hague  Conferences.  I  have  felt 
the  throb  of  the  world's  heart  beating  more  and 
more  for  love  and  peace.  I  know  that  the  time 
is  ripe;  that  the  day  of  force  is  gone;  that  the 
dawn  of  peace  is  here.  Now  if  we  begin  by  dis- 
armament and  take  all  our  questions  to  The 
Hague  — 

MR.    DRAKE      ' 

The   Hague?     Bosh!     Why,    America   would 
be  a  lamb  among  wolves  at  The  Hague.     Besides, 


FIRST    DISCUSSION  45 

Doctor  Harmony,  you  know  and  /  know  that  con- 
quest in  itself  profits  nothing,  that  profit  comes 
by  work  and  not  by  force  and  theft;  but  what  does 
our  opinion  really  matter?  The  millions  of  the 
nations  of  the  world  must  believe  what  we  believe. 
Then  we  can  begin  to  think  of  security  without 
armament. 

MR.    SHUFFLER 

(Pompously)  I  agree  with  Doctor  Harmony. 
I  should  be  unable  to  justify  to  my  constituents 
any  extravagant  appropriations  to  increase  taxes 
and  build  a  lot  of  battleships  that  will  never  have 
to  fight.     The  high  cost  of  living  — 

MR.    DRAKE 

But,  my  dear  Mr.  Shuffler,  America's  the  only 
country  that  can  afford  ample  armament  without 
feeling  it.  Why  in  Heaven's  name  should  we  be 
the  one  to  take  the  risk  of  experimenting  with  dis- 
armament? Europe  has  the  age-long  habit  of  ag- 
gression and  intrigue  and  land  hunger.  Europe's 
made  this  bed.  Let  Europe  lie  upon  it!  It's 
Europe  that's  howling  from  the  pinch  of  military 
expenditure.  Let  Europe  howl  and  sweat  until 
the  European  tax  payer  solves  his  problem.  But 
don't  let  us,  who  waste  our  money  in  every  direc- 


46  STULTITIA 

tion,  be  the  ones  to  tempt  fate,  to  wander  around 
unarmed  in  a  den  of  thieves.     Why,  it's  madness ! 
Mr.  Shuffler  yawns.     The  Senators  look 
bored  and  glance  at  their  watches. 

SENATOR   ROCK 

Oh,  the  country  doesn't  take  any  stock  in  all 
this  moonshine.  Well,  I'll  have  to  be  going. 
General,  be  sure  and  return  those  two  companies 
to  Perryville  soon.  Business  is  getting  pretty 
slack  out  there  without  the  soldiers'  pay-day. 

All  rise. 

THE    GENERAL 

Well,  gentlemen,  I'm  sorry  to  find  you  not  yet 
convinced  that  the  country's  safety  requires  the 
passage  of  the  President's  measures  of  national 
defense.  However,  we  will  all  take  a  broad  view, 
and  I  am  sure,  at  the  Committee  hearing,  with 
the  data  I  shall  have  the  honor  to  send  you,  we 
shall  arrive  at  some  common  ground. 

They  all  say  "  Good  morning  "  and  leave. 
The  General,  Hawk,  Drake  and  the  Ad- 
miral stand  and  look  at  each  other  with  the 
most  hopeless  expression  and  then  burst  out 
laughing. 


FIRST    DISCUSSION  47 

THE    GENERAL 

You  might  as  well  attack  the  great  wall  of 
China  with  a  bean  blower  as  talk  to  those  men. 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

And  these  are  the  leaders. 

MR.    DRAKE 

"  So  this  is  the  Forest  of  Arden !  " 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

Yes,  and  home  would  be  a  better  place,  if  the 
people  only  really  knew.  {More  cheerfully) 
General,  won't  you  and  Drake  lunch  with  me  at 
the  Club?  Admiral,  won't  you  come?  After 
Mrs.  Evangeline  Tinker  and  Doctor  Harmony, 
I  feel  like  getting  drunk  and  having  a  fight.  {He 
brings  down  his  fist  in  the  palm  of  his  hand)  And 
how  I  would  like  to  enforce  something  up  to  the 
hilt  in  the  portly  form  of  Senator  Dormant! 
{Turning  to  The  General)  You  know,  I  be- 
lieve he's  going  to  turn  down  the  loan  convention 
to  clean  up  Colonia,  and  the  Panama  railroad,  too. 

ADMIRAL    STEVENS 

Doctor  Harmony  and  the  Peace  Trust  are 
against  us.     Think  of  the  harm  that  old  man  does 


48  STULTITIA 

with  his  money !  You  know  they  distributed  a 
hundred  and  fifty  thousand  copies  of  that  tory  lit- 
tle-navy speech  made  in  the  Senate  last  week. 
With  their  publications  and  their  pensions,  there's 
a  trust  for  you  —  a  great  hobby  trust  —  the  worst 
and  most  dangerous  of  all. 

MR.    DRAKE 

What  an  argument  for  the  progressive  income 
tax  that  man  is.  Why  even  a  government  could 
spend  money  more  usefully  than  he  does. 

The  Colored  Messenger  enters. 

MESSENGER 

Mrs.  Riley's  here,  sir. 

THE    GENERAL 

Mrs.  Riley?     What's  that? 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

It's  our  char-lady.     You'll  see.     Bring  her  in. 

Mrs.  Riley  is  brought  in.     She  wears  a  street 
dress  and  a  bonnet  and  looks  very  surprised. 


FIRST    DISCUSSION  49 

MRS.    RILEY 

Good  day  to  you,  General.  Good  day  to  you, 
Captain.  (To  Drake)  Good  day  to  you,  sir, 
and  what  is  it  you  want  with  me  ? 

Hawk  draws  from  his  pocket  a  telegraph  blank. 
CAPTAIN    HAWK 

What's  the  address  of  your  son  in  Chicago, 
Mrs.  Riley? 

MRS.    RILEY 

Daniel  Riley,  care  of  the  United  Contracting 
Company,  74  Green  Street. 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

(Writes  it  on  the  blank  and  then  reads)  "  Mr. 
Daniel  Riley,  etc.  Have  private  information 
Shuffler  obstructing  national  defense  bills  neces- 
sary safety  America.  My  best  friends  here  tell 
me.  Please,  Dan,  make  Shuffler  support  them 
right  away.  Also  can't  you  come  down  to  Wash- 
ington, darling,  to  see  your  old  mother  next  Sun- 
day. I'm  getting  old  and  want  to  see  you.  Your 
loving  mother."  (Mrs.  Riley  listens  in  amaze- 
ment) Now,  Mrs.  Riley,  if  that  draft  suits  you, 
will  you  please  just  sit  down  at  my  desk  and  sign 


50  STULTITIA 

it?  It's  your  telegram,  you  know.  /  will  guarantee 
you're  right  about  the  first  part,  and  I  guess  I'm 
right  about  your  wanting  to  see  Dan. 

Mrs.  Riley  bustles  over  to  the  desk,  with  a 
broad  grin,  and  seats  herself  to  sign  the  tele- 
gram. 

Curtain 


SECOND  DISCUSSION 


SECOND  DISCUSSION 

One  week  has  elapsed  since  First  Discussion. 

It  is  a  rather  dingy  room  in  Mrs.  Maggie  Riley's 
boarding  house  in  Washington.  There  are 
cheap  lace  curtains  and  mournful  brown  rep 
curtains  with  lambrequins,  hanging  in  wooden- 
like  folds,  at  the  four  windows.  On  the  floor 
is  a  nondescript  yellowish-brown  carpet.  The 
walls  are  drab.  A  handsome  mantelpiece  with 
a  dingy  gilded  mirror  above  it  recalls  the  times 
zvhen  the  neighborhood  was  fashionable.  In 
the  left  hand  back  corner  stands  an  iron  heating- 
stove  on  which  is  a  kettle,  the  stovepipe  pass- 
ing along  the  ceiling  and  into  the  chimney  flue. 
There  are  a  cheap  engraving  of  Washington 
and  a  garish  chromo  lithograph  of  one  of  Mu- 
rillo's  Virgins.  On  the  mantelpiece  are  an  or- 
namental clock  that  does  not  go  and  an  alarm 
clock  that  does,  and  two  vases  holding  peacocks' 
feathers.  Upon  a  dresser  between  two  windows 
at  the  left  end  of  the  room  stand  objects  in  white 
53 


54  STULTITIA 

metal  and  red  glass  containing  spoons;  also  a 
very  formidable  cruet-stand.  A  square  table 
against  the  wall  at  the  opposite  end  is  covered 
by  an  elaborate  knitted  table-cloth  with  tassels 
on  it.  Upon  it  stands  a  large  glass  globe,  pro- 
tecting from  all  but  view  an  intricate  wax  de- 
sign of  highly  colored  fruits  and  flowers.  The 
evening  paper  lies  beside  it.  There  are,  also, 
glasses  containing  matches  and  toothpicks. 
There  is  a  long  dinner  table  around  which  stand 
a  dozen  straight  chairs  of  the  walnut  period. 
Mrs.  Riley,  neat  and  smiling  in  a  black  and 
white  gingham  dress,  is  adjusting  upon  the  table 
a  red  and  grey  figured  table-cloth  of  cotton  with 
fringe.  Daniel  Riley  leans  with  one  elbow 
on  the  mantelpiece  smoking  a  pipe  and  fondly 
watching  his  mother  at  her  work.  He  is  a  fine 
upstanding  young  man  with  jolly  blue  eyes  and 
black  hair;  a  fine  type  of  young  Irish-American. 
He  is  neat,  shining  in  a  black  sack  suit.  At  the 
other  end  of  the  mantelpiece  stands  Mr.  Stone, 
a  labor  leader,  with  his  hands  in  his  pockets. 
He  is  a  portly  man  with  hair  turning  grey,  a 
heavy  moustache,  a  strong  jaw,  steely  eyes,  and 
a  determined  all-sufficient  bearing.  Standing 
near  and  regarding  him  narrowly  is  Mr.  Hope, 


SECOND    DISCUSSION  55 

a  socialist.  He  is  a  man  of  forty-five.  His 
complexion  is  sallow  and  his  figure  stooped.  He 
is  shabbily  dressed,  has  a  nervous  eager  manner 
and  his  hair  wants  cutting.  At  the  other  side 
of  the  room,  engaged  in  stroking  Mrs.  Riley's 
cat,  is  a  short  and  stout  man  pretty  well  con- 
fined in  a  frock  coat,  and  with  a  very  low  collar 
and  flowing  tie  of  soft  material.  He  has  a 
thick  neck  and  bullet  head  with  abundant  curly 
black  hair,  large  and  handsome  dark  eyes,  a 
strong  nose  and  large  and  sensuous  mouth.  The 
mobility  of  his  face  is  remarkable  and  his  man- 
ner a  combination  of  ceremony  and  extreme 
geniality.  This  is  Mr.  Caro,  a  foreign-born 
agitator.  It  is  eight  o'clock.  The  doorbell 
rings.     Mrs.  Riley  bustles  out  to  answer  it. 

DAN 

(To  Mr.  Caro)      That  cat  purrs  like  a  poli- 
tician before  election. 

Mr.  Caro  smiles  charmingly  and  continues  to 
stroke  the  cat. 

MR.    HOPE 
(To  Mr.  Stone,  continuing  their  conversation) 
The    Socialist   party   polled    684,000    votes    last 


S'6  STULTITIA 

November.     How  soon  are  you  labor  men  going 
to  see  the  light  and  come  along  with  us  ? 

MR.    STONE 

The  trouble  with  you  Socialists  is,  you're  all 
purr.  Now,  we  know  what's  good  for  us.  We're 
not  in  politics.  We  play  both  ends  against  the 
middle  and  make  all  parties  deliver  some  of  the 
goods  all  of  the  time. 

Mr.  Caro  looks  up  with  interest,  his  smile  gone, 
and  appears  about  to  speak. 

MR.    HOPE 

Well,  the  capitalists  do  exactly  the  same  thing. 
You  find  them  distributed  in  all  parties  and  voting 
always  for  the  interests  of  capital. 

DAN 

Why,  Mr.  Hope,  there're  several  high-brow 
millionaires  in  your  Socialist  party.  What's  their 
game? 

MR.    HOPE 

{Fervently)  They've  seen  the  vision  of  a  per- 
fect future.  {To  Stone)  Now  if  you  labor 
men  would  come  over  to  us,  things  would  move 
faster. 


SECOND    DISCUSSION  57 

Just  then  Mrs.  Riley  returns,  looking  de- 
lighted. 

MRS.    RILEY 

Dan,  here's  friends  of  yours  from  Chicago. 

There  enters  a  young  man  wearing  a  very  old 
dress  suit,  black  waistcoat  and  tie.  This  is 
Mr.  Turner,  a  clerk  in  the  office  of  the 
United  Contracting  Company.  With  him 
enters  his  sister,  a  slight  and  distinguished 
looking  woman  of  under  thirty  with  grey  eyes, 
a  fine  forehead,  fair  hair  and  well  chiseled 
chin  and  mouth.  She  wears  a  simple  pale 
blue  silk  dress,  slightly  open  at  the  throat. 
They  advance  in  the  most  unaffected  man- 
ner. Daniel  Riley  springs  forward  to 
greet  them. 

DAN 

How  are  you,  Mr.  Turner?  Haven't  seen  you 
since  the  train.  I'm  holding  my  party  together 
you  see.  {Waving  to  the  others,  who  all  nod 
familiarly)  Good  evening,  Miss  Turner.  I 
want  to  make  you  both  acquainted  with  my  mother. 


58  STULTITIA 

MISS    TURNER 

(To  Mrs.  Riley,  shaking  hands)  I  am  aw- 
fully glad  to  meet  you,  Mrs.  Riley.  My 
brother's  told  me  so  much  about  you  from  Dan. 
We  all  came  on  the  same  train  from  Chicago,  you 
know.  I'm  awfully  excited.  I  am  going  to  the 
White  House  to  a  big  party  tonight. 

The  sound  of  a  hand-organ  in  the  street  grows 
nearer  through  the  open  windows  and  the  tune 
turns  out  to  be  "  The  Wearing  of  the  Green." 

MRS.    RILEY 

Ye  must  stay  here  awhile,  my  dears,  because 
it's  me  that's  givin'  a  big  party  meself  tonight. 
Me  two  pets  in  the  Departments  is  comin',  Cap- 
tain Hawk  and  Mr.  Drake,  and  they  asked  me  if 
they  couldn't  bring  some  lady  friends  along.  I 
want  Dan  to  meet  thim.  (Rapturously)  They're 
grand  byes.  I  don't  know  what  we'd  do  in  the 
Government  without  'em.  I  must  be  fixin'  the 
tea  in  case  they  come. 

Mrs.  Riley  begins  to  arrange  her  tea  things 
at  one  end  of  the  table.  The  hand-organ  has 
now  grown  loud,  still  playing,  "  The  Wear- 
ing of  the  Green."     Dan  grasps  his  mother 


SECOND    DISCUSSION  59 

around  the  waist  and  begins  to  dance  her  up 
and  down  furiously  while  the  others  clap. 
J  list  then  the  door  opens  and  in  walk  Cap- 
tain Hawk  and  Mr.  Drake,  with  two 
ladies  in  evening  dress  and  wraps.  MlSS 
Middleton  we  know.  The  other  lady  is  of 
a  more  developed  figure  with  the  beauty  of 
youth,  promising,  however,  a  certain  coarse- 
ness. Her  eyebrows  are  raised  and  her  man- 
ner is  faintly  supercilious.  Behind  follows 
Mr.  Charles  Barney,  a  very  fashionably 
dressed  and  rather  vapid  looking  young  man 
who  seems  anxious  to  help  Miss  Middleton 
with  her  wraps. 

Mrs.  Riley  bustles  hospitably  to  take  the 
ladies'  wraps.  Captain  Hawk  and  Mr. 
Drake  take  these  from  her,  pile  all  the  wraps 
on  the  table  by  the  door  and  each  retains  one 
of  Mrs.  Riley's  hands  and  bows  "  Good 
evening." 

CAPTAIN  hawk 
It  was  very  good  of  you  to  let  us  come  and  to 
let  us  bring  these  young  ladies. 


60  STULTITIA 

MR.    DRAKE 

We're  making  a  night  of  it.  We're  going  to 
the  White  House  later  on. 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

Mrs.  Riley,  this  is  Miss  Middleton,  daughter 
of  our  friend  the  Chief  of  Staff,  and  this  is  Miss 
Rock,  Senator  Rock's  daughter.  This  is  Mr. 
Barney.  We  had  to  bring  it  along  or  it  would  not 
let  Miss  Middleton  come. 

Mr.  Barney  looks  foolish  and  Miss  Middle- 
ton  looks  bored. 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

{Continuing)  Now  we  want  to  meet  that  won- 
derful son  of  yours. 

Daniel  Riley  walks  forward  with  an  easy 
manner  and  introduces  himself. 

DAN 

Now  I  want  to  make  you  acquainted  with  Mr. 
Turner  and  Miss  Turner,  his  sister.  We  work  in 
the  same  place.  He  drives  a  pen  and  I  boss  a 
gang, —  preferring  out-of-door  life. 

They  shake  hands,  Mr.  Turner  somewhat 
awkwardly ;  Miss  Turner  with  grace.     She 


SECOND    DISCUSSION  61 

and  Miss  Middleton  drop  naturally  into 
conversation. 

DAN 

When  I  got  my  mother's  telegram  and  said  I 
was  coming  to  see  the  sights  of  the  capital,  several 
friends  decided  to  come  at  the  same  time,  so  we're 
quite  a  party. 

Mrs.  Riley  has  seated  herself  at  the  head  of 
the  table,  making  tea  and  has  placed  the  three 
ladies  near  her. 

DAN 

Ladies,  this  is  Mr.  Caro,  of  the  International 
Society  for  Social  Strife.  My  father  came  from 
the  old  country  to  work  and  he's  just  come  from 
the  old  country  to  tell  us  not  to  work,  so  you  and 
he  are  both  members  of  the  leisure  class. 

Caro  bows  gravely.  Hawk  and  Drake  step 
forward  and  shake  hands  cordially. 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

We  must  have  a  talk,  Mr.  Caro.  Are  you  an 
American? 


62  STULTITIA 

MR.    CARO 
{In   a  foreign   accent)      Soon   I   get   my   first 
papers    {shrugging  his  shoulders)   but  you  know 
I  am  a  citizen  of  the  world. 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

Did  you  have  to  do  military  service  before  you 
came  over  here? 

MR.    CARO 

No,  I  escaped  that  tyranny.  I  belong  to  the 
great  army  of  common  humanity  {rhetorically) 
which  knows  no  country. 

DAN 

{Comes  over  and  takes  Hawk  by  the  arm) 
Come  on,  that's  only  part  of  the  show.  Here's 
Mr.  Hope,  the  Socialist.  He  tells  the  boys  about 
everybody  owning  everything  together  so  nobody 
can  get  enough  to  loaf  on,  but  just  now  higher 
wages  and  shorter  hours  are  more  in  our  line. 
{Meanwhile  they  shake  hands)  Here's  Mr. 
Stone.  He's  the  real  dope.  If  he  keeps  on  with 
his  politics  and  strikes,  soon  we'll  all  be  million- 
aires and  workin'  less  than  no  time  at  all. 


SECOND    DISCUSSION  63 

MR.    STONE 

{Shaking  hands)  Dan's  a  fine  boy.  Dan,  you 
oughtn't  to  give  us  away  in  front  of  these  capital- 
ists. 

MR.    DRAKE 

Thanks  for  calling  me  a  capitalist.  Hawk, 
here,  is  our  real  millionaire.  He  ha.s  money  to 
throw  at  the  birds,  but  he  always  throws  it  at  the 
birds  of  paradise.     He's  an  idealist. 

MRS.    RILEY 

Now  I  want  ye  to  all  sit  down  and  have  some 
tea  and  get  acquainted  with  me  bye  Dan. 

They  distribute  themselves  at  the  table. 

MISS    ROCK 

{In  a  voice  of  cloying  sweetness)  Really,  Mrs. 
Riley,  this  is  most  interesting.  The  very  most  in- 
teresting party  I  have  ever  been  to.  You  know  I 
am  fearfully  interested  in  all  the  modern  move- 
ments. 

MISS    TURNER 

Are  you  a  suffragist,  Miss  Rock? 


64  STULTITIA 

MISS    ROCK 

Oh,  yes.  I'm  going  to  march  in  the  parade. 
Are  you?     What  color  cape  will  you  wear? 

MISS    TURNER 

I  think  so.  I  am  not  quite  sure.  My  brother's 
gone  crazy  with  Senator  Hyhead  and  I  am  so  busy 
trying  to  keep  him  from  running  after  all  the  new 
fads  that  it's  making  me  half  a  conservative. 
What  do  you  think  of  woman's  suffrage,  Miss 
Middleton? 

MISS    MIDDLETON 

{Thoughtfully)  I  believe  in  it,  although  I  am 
a  conservative. 

MR.    TURNER 

{With  ardor)  I  supposed  you  were  a  conser- 
vative, Miss  Middleton.  You  see,  I'm  a  clerk. 
I  belong  to  the  class  that  feels  the  high  cost  of  liv- 
ing. Wages  go  up,  everything  goes  up,  except  our 
salaries.  If  you'd  heard  Senator  Hyhead  express 
these  things,  you'd  understand  why.  His  party's 
going  to  give  us  all  a  square  deal.  Why  there's 
the  initiative,  referendum  and  recall,  direct  pri- 
maries, child  labor  laws;  we're  going  to  have  the 
rule  of  the  people  and  a  square  deal  for  everyone. 
It's  beautiful. 


SECOND    DISCUSSION  65 

MR.    DRAKE 

(jTo  Turner)  I  sympathize  with  your  dis- 
content as  a  salaried  man.  Manual  labor  has  a 
better  market, —  and  it  can  strike.  Your  sala- 
ried man  is  the  worst  treated  in  the  whole  com- 
munity. Salaries  ought  to  be  expressed  in  fixed 
purchasing  power, —  in  the  price  of  food  and 
clothes. 

MR.    HOPE 

Of  course,  Miss  Middleton  and  her  friends  are 
conservatives.  They  belong  to  the  capitalistic 
class.  Mr.  Turner,  not  one  of  those  quack  medi- 
cines has  anything  to  do  with  your  economic  symp- 
toms. We  Socialists  are  indebted  to  your  party. 
All  your  discontented  voters  fall  right  into  our 
lap.  Labor  demands  princely  wages.  Greedy 
capital  wars  with  labor.  People  like  you  are 
ground  between  them.  The  Socialists  come  along 
and  say,  "  Peace,  gentlemen,  we  will  take  its  wages 
from  labor  and  its  profits  from  capital,  substitute 
common  ownership  and  remove  all  cause  of  envy." 

MR.    STONE 

Not  for  mine,  Mr.  Hope,  with  wages  what  they 
are  and  rising.  Even  S'enator  Hyhead's  party 
has  not  left  the  earth  on  the  tariff  question.     I 


66  STULTITIA 

don't  know  how  the  socialists  stand  on  that  and 
I'd  want  to  know  about  their  wage  scale  and  the 
cost  of  living.  If  I  had  to  raise  the  potatoes  un- 
der their  scheme,  I'd  want  quite  a  price. 

DAN 
If  Mr.  Turner's  sore  bein'  a  clerk  and  a  gentle- 
man on  $60  a  month,  it's  open  to  him  to  wear 
overalls  for  $4  per  and  up.  I  don't  know  what 
my  share  would  be  with  Mr.  Hope's  socialism,  but 
I  see  my  way  to  a  tidy  little  business  of  my  own 
in  the  next  few  years. 

Mr.  Hope  and  Mr.  Turner  indulge  in  brown 
study. 

MR.  STONE 
Miss  Middleton,  I  am  a  radical.  I'm  for  war 
with  capital  —  not  to  the  death, —  I  would  not  kill 
the  goose  that  lays  the  golden  eggs, —  but  war  and 
no  compromise  and  strikes  and  rough  house,  yes, 
within  the  law,  you  understand,  and  no  injunc- 
tions against  labor,  till  we  get  just  all  the  traffic'll 
bear. 

MISS    ROCK 

Really,  Mr.  Stone,  I  think  your  views  are  quite 
shocking. 


SECOND    DISCUSSION  67 

MISS    MIDDLETON 

Oh,  I  don't  know,  they're  just  like  the  views  of 
selfish  capital. 

MR.    DRAKE 

( To  Miss  Rock)  I  don't  know,  either,  Miss 
Rock.  I  could  imagine  it  was  your  father  talk- 
ing on  the  other  side  of  the  question.  ( To  the 
others)  You  know  Senator  Rock  is  against  the 
income  tax.  He  is  an  extreme  individualist  where 
the  rights  of  capital  are  concerned;  objects  to  all 
government  control.  He  thinks  the  sole  function 
of  government  is  to  protect  capital  from  being 
robbed  by  labor,  just  as  Mr.  Stone  here  thinks  the 
sole  object  of  society  should  be  to  give  tremendous 
wages  even  to  the  most  unskilled  workman  and 
to  make  capital  such  an  easy  mark  that  it  won't 
be  worth  having.  ( To  Miss  Rock)  Your 
father  and  Mr.  Stone  are  as  like  as  two  peas.  I'd 
love  to  see  them  together  and  chalk  out  the  ring. 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

It's  like  party  government.  We  all  pretend  to 
want  the  greatest  good  of  the  whole  nation. 
Then,  instead  of  working  together  to  discover 
what  that  is,  we  try  desperately  to  disagree  as  to 
means.     We    nurse    along    false    issues   like    the 


68  STULTITIA 

negro  question.  See  how  the  politicians  still  work 
that  to  paralyze  the  South;  —  the  South's  enslaved 
by  the  negro's  freedom.  They've  got  to  keep 
their  party  together  —  to  keep  themselves  in  of- 
fice. If  we  must  have  party  government,  why 
can't  we  sincerely  try  to  decide  what  one  policy  is 
best  for  the  country  and  then  disagree  as  to  which 
set  of  men  can  best  carry  it  out?  You  have  com- 
petition enough  in  a  horse  race,  although  the  horses 
all  run  in  the  same  direction.  If  a  vote  must  be  a 
bet  let  us  vote  for  the  best  man ;  let  us  have  parties 
of  persons;  but  let  us  not  make  party  government 
a  fake  contest  of  false  and  trumped-up  issues. 

DAN 

That's  the  talk. 

MR.    DRAKE 

Yes;  it's  the  same  old  fundamental  fallacy,  the 
outworn  religion  of  competition  that  our  new  poli- 
ticians are  preaching  to  us.  Competition,  war, 
fight  —  with  all  the  waste  of  war:  war  instead 
of  combination  as  the  life  of  industry:  war  between 
parties  as  the  life  of  the  body  politic.  Why  not 
war  then  between  capital  and  labor,  class  war, 
as  the  life  of  society?     No,  they're  not  that  log- 


SECOND    DISCUSSION  69 

ical.  Mr.  Caro's  religion  is  more  so.  What  we 
really  want  is  not  war,  but  co-operation  —  mo- 
nopolistic combination  of  the  spirit  of  the  whole 
nation  for  the  whole  nation's  good.  (Aside) 
They  haven't  amended  the  Sherman  Law  to  make 
that  illegal  —  yet ! 

MR.    TURNER 

(To  Miss  Middleton)  Why  are  you  a  con- 
servative, Miss  Middleton?  Do  you  think  things 
are  right  in  this  country? 

MISS    MIDDLETON 

No  —  I  am  a  conservative  because  I  think  it's 
more  efficient.  I  should  be  a  socialist  if  I  believed 
socialism  would  work,  for  I  honestly  believe  in 
seeking  the  greatest  good  of  the  greatest  number. 
But  socialists  and  other  expressives  seem  to  start 
in  the  clouds  and  work  down  to  earth.  I  believe 
in  standing  firmly  on  the  earth  we've  got  and 
building  up ! 

MR.    DRAKE 

Miss  Middleton,  you  were  going  to  tell  Miss 
Turner  what  you  think  of  woman's  suffrage. 


7o  STULTITIA 

MISS    MIDDLETON 

Well,  one  good  thing  I  see  in  it  is  that  with  a 
female  voter  in  his  house  the  average  American 
citizen  would  be  ashamed  to  be  so  ignorant  as  he 
now  is  of  our  great  public  questions.  Why  half 
the  men,  like  Mr.  Barney  here,  won't  bother  to 
go  to  the  polls. 

MISS  ROCK 
My  father's  against  it,  but  it's  absurd  that 
women  of  property  should  have  nothing  to  say 
about  the  laws.  Besides,  it's  an  insult  to  women 
to  be  denied  the  right  to  vote.  Mr.  Caro,  you're 
a  foreigner,  what  do  you  think?  {With  an  en- 
gaging smile) 

MR.    CARO 

In  Europe,  yes.  In  America,  I  don't  know. 
The  women  of  America  are  so  conservative, — 
and  so  sentimental. 

MISS    MIDDLETON 

I  don't  worry  about  the  question  of  dignity.  I 
think  women's  votes  would  help  in  all  legislation 
for  social  betterment. 


SECOND    DISCUSSION  71 

MR.    DRAKE 

That's  the  statesmanlike  view.  All  we  need  to 
know  is  whether  votes  for  women  will  give  better 
net  results  in  our  elections.  One  thing  that  wor- 
ries me  is  this.  We've  got  so  many  organizations 
and  so  many  foreigners  in  this  country.  I  don't 
care  whether  it's  American  Slavs  or  Italians  or 
Jews  or  Greeks,  or  American  plumbers  or  law- 
yers, or  American  this  or  that.  I'm  afraid  we're 
going  too  fast.  We  can't  have  self-centered 
groups  that  won't  co-operate  with  the  rest  of  the 
body  politic  and  still  preserve  the  democratic  na- 
tional purpose  that  alone  can  save  us.  Now  will 
the  women  double  the  selfish  vote  of  every  organ- 
ized group,  and  the  rest  of  the  women  stay  away 
from  the  polls  ? 

MISS    MIDDLETON 

I  don't  think  so. 

MR.    CARO 

In  Europe  —  and  it  gets  the  same  here  —  the 
women  of  the  vast  proletariat  will  swell  the  vote 
of  their  class  —  the  workers  of  the  whole  world 
whose  interests  are  the  same  and  world-wide,  not 
country-wide. 


72  STULTITIA 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

Mr.  Caro,  in  America  we  have  no  "classes"; 
we  have  no  "  proletariat  "  in  the  fixed  and  con- 
tinuous sense  you  mean  —  and  we  don't  want  them. 
Those  are  ideas  you  ought  to  leave  behind.  When 
you  come  here  you  must  come  here  to  join  our 
family,  to  play  the  game  our  way.  Just  as  a  fam- 
ily hangs  together  that  the  young  may  be  reared, 
the  aged  supported,  and  the  members  live  decently 
and  well,  so  our  great  American  family  is  going 
to  hang  together  for  the  benefit  of  all  its  members. 
Patriotism  is  the  filial  piety  of  the  nation.  It  em- 
braces its  ideals  like  a  religion.  It  has  these  uses, 
even  if  there  never  is  another  war.  I'd  like  to 
see  conscription  to  break  in  just  such  a  citizen  as 
you  will  make  —  and  to  discipline  us  all  to  our 
filial  duty  to  our  great  democratic  State. 

MR.    CARO 

But  your  Irish-Americans  want  one  thing. 
Your  American  Catholics  stand  together  —  and 
your  Methodists  and  so  on.  Your  American  Jews 
want  this ;  your  American  — 

CAPTAIN   HAWK 
No  one  appreciates  more  than  I  do  those  fine 
men  of  foreign  birth  who  have  been  men  and  patri- 


SECOND    DISCUSSION  73 

ots  first.  No  one  recognizes  more  than  I  the 
value  of  the  good  types  still  brought  to  our  citizen- 
ship by  the  right  sort  of  immigration.  But  my 
point  is  this :  We  must  not  work  as  members  of 
a  sect  or  a  race  or  a  group  for  its  own  separate 
interests.  We  must  all  be  Americans  —  first,  last 
and  all  the  time !  I'm  for  every  good  American 
whatever  his  race  or  creed.  I'm  against  (strik- 
ing his  hand  on  the  table)  American  Jews,  for 
example, —  though  I'm  willing  to  fight  and  die  for 
Jewish  Americans.  What  I  demand  is  (loudly) 
our  country  first.  (Turning  to  Mr.  Caro)  Of 
course  I  am  against  you,  Mr.  Caro ;  you're  too 
broad-minded  for  me.  If  you  people  want  to 
regulate  a  country  go  back  and  begin  on  your 
own.  You'll  find  when  the  time  comes  that  there 
are  a  few  old-fashioned  Americans  left  and  that 
they  propose  to  regulate  their  own  country  in  their 
own  way. 

MR.    CARO 

(Smiling)  Oh,  you  hold  these  views  because 
you're  a  capitalist  and  an  aristocrat,  Captain 
Hawk,  and  belong  to  the  military  caste  besides. 


74  STULTITIA 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

{Rising  somewhat  angrily)  You  call  me  an 
aristocrat  ?  Thank  you.  In  the  true  Greek  mean- 
ing "  aristocracy  "  means  power  in  the  hands  of 
the  best;  "  kakistocracy "  means  power  in  the 
hands  of  the  worst.  Representative  democracy, 
by  the  grace  of  God,  will  sometime  mean  spirit  in 
the  heart  and  brain  of  the  sovereign  people  to  ex- 
ert their  power  to  govern  themselves  through  their 
chosen  best  representatives  —  true  aristocrats  in 
fact.  So  you  see  true  democracy  and  true  aris- 
tocracy are  the  same  thing.  Who  is  the  aristocrat 
■ — who  is  the  best  man?  It's  a  question  of  fact. 
You  admit  it  in  the  prize  ring.  Why  not  outside 
it?  Why  you  could  almost  have  a  mathematical 
scale  of  honesty,  sincerity,  wisdom  and  unselfish- 
ness to  measure  men  by. 

MR.    CARO 

But  look  at  the  French  Revolution.  Look  at 
history.     The  rich  always  grind  down  the  poor. 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 
Yes;  and  if  now  the  poor  grind  up  the  rich  and 
the  rich  grind  down  the  poor,  why  that's  the  re- 
vived religion  of  competition.     Beautiful,  isn't  it? 


SECOND    DISCUSSION  75 

Now  I  can  credit  you  with  sincerity;  but  you 
can't  credit  me  with  sincerity,  because  I'm  rich. 
It's  the  same  with  our  new  political  demagogue. 
If  my  family  has  been  useful  enough  to  grow  rich, 
why  we're  pariahs,  we're  suspect.  I  have  a  sim- 
ple standard  of  worth.  Who's  the  snob,  the  man 
you  call  an  "  aristocrat "  or  your  politician  who's 
so  very  u  plain  people  "  that  he  can't  abide  the 
thought  that  a  man  can  be  both  rich  and  honest? 
It's  a  rotten  aristocracy,  a  diseased  caste  idea,  this 
rot  about  aristocrats  and  commoners,  and  "  the 
peepul "  and  the  "  plain  people."  We're  all 
Americans,  aren't  we,  with  equal  rights?  Well, 
I'm  not  going  to  let  these  demagogues  set  up  a 
snobbish  aristocracy  or  mediocrity,  or  whatever  is 
the  quality  of  their  hypothetical  commoners,  and 
elbow  me  out  of  my  political  birthright.  I'm  one 
of  the  people,  and  I'm  going  to  have  my  rights. 

A   MESSENGER   BOY 
(Opens  the  door  and  without  taking  of  his  cap 
sings  out)      Telegram  for  Mr.  Caro. 

MRS.    RILEY 
(Rises,  saying)      Sh!  me  bye,  you're  interrupt- 
ing a  session  of  the  Supreme  Court. 


76  STULTITIA 

She  walks  toward  the  boy  and  takes  the  tele- 
gram. 

MRS.    RILEY 

Of  all  the  sad  parties.  Ye  ought  to  keep  this 
government  business  in  the  Departments.  They 
don't  worry  like  this,  serious-like,  down  at  Con- 
gress. 

Mr.  Caro  rises  and  receives  the  telegram  from 
Mrs.  Riley.  He  goes  to  one  side  and  reads 
it.  There  is  a  gleam  in  his  eye.  He  turns 
somewhat  pale  and  with  a  slight  tremor 
places  the  telegram  in  his  pocket. 

MRS.    RILEY 

No  bad  news,  I  hope,  Mr.  Caro. 

MR,    CARO 

Oh,  no,  nothing  in  particular. 
They  resume  their  seats. 

DAN 

Never  mind,  mother,  it's  a  fine  party.  I'm  hav- 
ing the  time  of  my  life.  Remember.,  you  made  me 
go  to  school,  and  I'm  a  politician.  This  is  the 
real  highbrow  dope.     Captain  Hawk's  right.     If 


SECOND    DISCUSSION  77 

the  foreigners  don't  like  it  they  can  go  home.  I'm 
not  going  to  let  Mr.  Hope  divide  up  the  tidy  little 
business  I'm  soon  starting,  and  I'm  always  telling 
Mr.  Stone  here  not  to  push  the  capitalist  too  hard 
because  I  hope  to  be  one  myself  some  day. 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

I  can  assure  you,  Mrs.  Riley,  that  your  son  is 
a  most  efficient  politician.  {He  goes  around  to 
Dan,  who  stands  up,  and  shakes  his  hand)  Mr. 
Riley,  I  want  to  congratulate  you  and  to  thank 
you  for  a  real  service  to  the  country. 

MR.    TURNER 

What  did  he  do  ? 

MRS.    RILEY 

Why,  me  Congressman,  that  man  Shuffler'd 
been  worryin'  the  life  out  of  Cap'n  Hawk  'n  Mr. 
Drake,  botherin'  'em  about  their  work  for  the 
Government.  {With  pride)  I  just  telegraphed 
Dan.     He  fixed  Mr.  Shuffler,  all  right ! 

DAN 

Oh,  don't  mention  it.  {To  Turner)  Your 
Senator  Hyhead's  always  talking  about  giving  the 


78  STULTITIA 

rule  back  to  the  people.  Why,  man,  you've  got 
it  —  only  you  don't  know  it.  Shuffler's  my  rep- 
resentative; well,  I  just  made  him  represent. 


MR.    DRAKE 

He  worked  very  well  in  this  case  because  you 
happened  to  be  right.  Shuffler  went  wrong  be- 
cause he  thought  you  were  wrong.  He  just  boot- 
licks  you.  He  hasn't  any  opinion  of  his  own.  If 
you  had  been  wrong,  he'd  have  helped  you  stay 
wrong.  You  ought  to  elect  somebody  who's  man 
enough  to  have  an  opinion  of  his  own  and  take  a 
chance  on  making  you  agree  with  him  before  the 
next  election. 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

Yes,  that  would  be  representative  government. 
We  now  have  reflexive  government.  We  elect 
too  many  chameleons.  They  don't  dare  think  and 
the  people  haven't  got  the  time  to. 

MISS    MIDDLETON 

Mr.  Turner,  do  you  attend  all  the  primaries 
and  vote  at  every  election,  and  follow  the  politics 
of  your  ward? 


SECOND    DISCUSSION  79 

MR.    TURNER 

{Looking  rather  embarrassed)  Well  —  Miss 
Middleton  —  you  see  my  work  in  the  office  —  such 
long  hours  and  poor  pay. —  The  Government  is 
oppressing  the  people.  But  when  the  Expressive 
party  comes  in  — 

MR.    STONE 

Yes,  the  Government  doesn't  give  the  poor  man 
a  square  deal.  I  agree  with  Mr.  Caro  and  Mr. 
Hope  in  that. 

MR.    DRAKE 

Does  it  ever  occur  to  you  that  you  are  the  Gov- 
ernment? The  way  people  talk  about  "  the  Gov- 
ernment "  as  if  it  were  something  far  away  that 
they  had  nothing  to  do  with,  makes  me  tired. 
Every  one  has  an  equal  share  in  the  sovereignty, 
only  Senator  Rock  and  Mr.  Stone  must  both  re- 
member as  Danton  or  somebody  said  in  the  French 
Revolution,  "  The  rights  of  each  man  end  where 
the  rights  of  the  next  man  begin." 

MISS    MIDDLETON 

Is  that  too  conservative  for  you,  Mr.  Turner? 


80  STULTITIA 

DAN 

You  won't  get  Mr.  Stone  to  agree  to  that. 
What  about  the  scabs  ? 

MR.    STONE 

Organized  labor  proposes  to  put  an  end  to  the 
open  shop.  If  a  man  wants  to  work,  he  can  join 
the  union.  We  have  got  to  be  organized.  What 
can  we  do  against  the  trusts  and  the  combinations? 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

Yes,  Senator  Rock  can't  see  why  my  dollar 
should  be  free  of  the  money  trust  and  you  can't 
see  why  my  labor  should  be  free  of  the  labor  trust. 
But  where  do  I  come  in? 

There  is  heard  the  voice  of  a  newsboy  in  the 
street  calling  "  Extra!  "     All  listen. 

MRS.    RILEY 

Dan,  buy  one.  I  hope  nothin's  happened  to 
the  President. 

Dan  goes  out. 

MR.    CARO 

You  seem  to  be  very  fond  of  the  President, 
Mrs.  Riley. 


SECOND    DISCUSSION  81 

MRS.    RILEY 

Shure  I  am.  I'm  an  American  and  we've  chose 
him  to  be  boss. 

MR.    DRAKE 

( To  Hawk)      I  wonder  what  that  extra  can  be. 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

Oh,  battle,  murder,  or  sudden  death.  Nothing 
good  is  considered  interesting  nowadays. 

DAN 

{Returns,  looking  excited  and  reads  as  he  walks 
across  the  room)  "  Big  cotton  mill  blown  up. 
Plant  destroyed.  Officials  of  company  buried  in 
ruins.      Casualties  may  reach  thirty." 

MISS    ROCK 
Oh!  how  horrible.     Where  is  it? 

DAN 
Meadville. 

MISS   ROCK 

Oh !  that's  where  my  brother  is  manager.  My 
father's  mills.  Horrible !  Oh,  take  me  home 
right  away.     I  must  see  father. 


82  STULTITIA 

She  looks  very  pale  and  agitated,  but  carefully 
smooths  her  hair  and  adjusts  her  wraps  of- 
fered by  Mr.  Drake,  while  the  others  gather 
about  her  solicitously. 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

{To  Barney)  You  take  Miss  Rock  home  in 
your  motor.  I  will  take  the  other  ladies  in  mine. 
( To  Miss  Rock)  I  do  hope  your  brother's  safe. 
He  probably  had  left  his  office  early.  You  will 
doubtless  find  a  reassuring  message  at  home. 
Don't  worry. 

She  goes  out  with  Barney. 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

(To  Stone  very  seriously)  Mr.  Stone,  that's 
not  an  American  way  for  capital  and  labor  to  fight. 
You  and  Senator  Rock  may  believe  in  war  to  the 
knife,  but  those  of  us  who  are  older  Americans 
do  not.  Senator  Rock  began  as  a  poor  boy,  an 
immigrant's  son.  He  began  as  a  laborer,  as  I  sup- 
pose you  did.  If  you  were  a  capitalist  you'd  be 
Senator  Rock.  You  are  simply  Senator  Rock  as 
a  labor  leader. 


SECOND    DISCUSSION  83 

MR.    STONE 
{Professionally)      Organized  labor  deprecates 
these  outrages.     They  hurt  the  cause.     They  dis- 
credit the  movement. 

Mr.  Caro  has  stood  rubbing  his  hands  with  a 
slightly  sardonic  expression. 

MR.    HOPE 

We  Socialists  stand  for  orderly  revolution. 
This  is  anarchy.     What  do  you  say,  Mr.  Caro? 

MR.    CARO 

Well,  in  this  world  movement  to  emancipate 
humanity  the  means  sometimes  justifies  the  end. 
(His  manner  is  fidgety  and  self-conscious)  Not 
that  I  condone  this  instance  of  violence.  I  don't 
know  all  the  particulars.  Even  some  of  your 
American  statesmen  recognize  that  in  a  great  cause 
almost  any  expedient  is  justified.  You  see  in  our 
world  movement  we  propose  to  make  it  no  longer 
worth  while  for  capital  to  carry  on  industry.  In 
Europe  they  call  it  sabotage.  Here  you  are  only 
learning.  By  strikes  and  such  demonstrations  we 
drive  capital  out  of  business.  We  make  things 
dangerous.  Later  we'll  put  all  men  equally  to 
work  a  few  hours  every  day  digging  ditches,  run- 


84  STULTITIA 

ning  machinery,  writing  books,  running  mills.  It 
is  all  the  same.  In  a  great  world  movement  gov- 
ernments mean  nothing. 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

Well,  this  Government  means  something.  I 
don't  like  your  talk  and  I  noticed  your  manner 
when  you  got  that  telegram,  curiously  enough,  just 
before  this  horrible  news  came.  {He  stands  men- 
acingly over  Caro)  Mr.  Caro,  I  want  that  tele- 
gram. 

MR.    CARO 

You  shall  not  have  it.  This  is  an  outrage. 
This  is  a  free  country. 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

Come  here,  Drake.  (Drake  comes  and  takes 
Carols  arm  and  twists  it  behind  his  back.  Caro 
struggles  and  Hawk  draws  the  telegram  from  his 
pocket  and  reads  aloud)  "  Meadville,  9:25. 
Caro,  care  Mrs.  Riley.  Candle  ship  aggravate 
bright  mallet.      (Signed)  John." 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

Oh!  A  code  message.  Hold  him,  Drake, 
while  I  fish  out  his  code. 


SECOND    DISCUSSION  85 

Dan  and  the  others  are  standing  around  the 
struggling  Caro.  Dan  looks  the  joy  of  bat- 
tle. Mr.  Hope  looks  very  thoughtful;  Mr. 
Stone  rather  worried;  Mr.  Turner  horri- 
fied. The  ladies  remain  near  the  table,  Miss 
Turner  holding  Miss  Middleton's  hand. 

MRS.    RILEY 

Oh,  the  skunk,  and  him  stroking  me  cat. 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

Here  it  is.  {Reading  the  words  and  comparing 
with  the  cipher)  "  Explosion  pulled  off  —  no  one 
suspected  —  meet  you  Chicago  —  same  place  as 
last  time  —  29th." 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

Mrs.  Riley,  we  want  a  policeman  with  a  patrol. 

MRS.    RILEY 

Run,  Dan,  run,  run  to  the  drugstore  at  the  cor- 
ner and  telephone. 
Dan  does. 

Curtain 


THIRD  DISCUSSION 


THIRD  DISCUSSION 

An  angle  in  the  hall  of  the  White  House 
at  Washington.  On  the  left  are  seen  in  the 
foreground  the  banister  of  the  stairway  conduct- 
ing from  the  apartments  above,  and  beyond,  fac- 
ing us  diagonally,  the  doors  to  the  East  Room, 
which  stand  wide  open.  The  severe  white  pan- 
eling of  the  back  wall  faces  us  diagonally, 
broken  only  by  the  mahogany  outlines  of  the 
door  opening  into  the  Green  Room,  left,  and  the 
door  opening  into  the  Blue  Room,  right.  The 
floor  is  carpeted  with  red.  Gilt  benches,  up- 
holstered in  red,  stand  along  the  walls.  At  the 
right  there  are  a  number  of  palms  and  a  few 
chairs  evidently  brought  out  from  the  dining 
room  further  down  the  hall.  A  hum  of  voices 
is  heard  through  the  doors  of  the  rooms  beyond, 
where  some  of  the  guests  are  assembled.  It  is 
10:30  o'clock.  Several  foreign  diplomats  and 
military  and  naval  attaches,  in  uniform  and  with 
decorations,  are  walking  up  and  down,  convers- 
89 


90  STULTITIA 

ing  with  ladies  in  evening  dress.  Mrs.  Bar- 
ney, a  loudly  dressed  woman,  with  fabulous 
jewels,  stands  talking  with  exaggerated  arts  and 
graces,  to  an  Ambassador.  From  the  right, 
there  enter  in  great  haste,  Miss  Middleton, 
Drake,  Miss  Turner  and  Mr.  Turner. 
Drake  and  Miss  Middleton  rush  up  to  Mrs. 
Barney. 

miss  middleton 
{Eagerly)      Are  we  very  late?     We  have  just 
come  from  the  most  exciting  party  that  wound  up 
with  an  arrest. 

MRS.    BARNEY 
{With  a  mincing  accent  she  fondly  thinks  sounds 
English)      An  arrest?     How  very  extraordinary. 

MR.    DRAKE 
{With  a  warning  glance  at  Miss  Middleton) 
It  was  nothing,  really,  but  it  diverted  the  ladies. 

THE   AMBASSADOR 
{Looking  at  his  watch  rather  superciliously) 
Yes,  your  President  is  taking  his  time  this  evening. 
We've  been  here  half  an  hour. 


THIRD    DISCUSSION  91 

MRS.    BARNEY 

He  was  at  a  men's  dinner  my  husband  is  giving 
in  honor  of  Mr.  Goldstein,  the  great  banker.  (  To 
The  Ambassador,  cloyingly)  It's  too  bad,  Ex- 
cellency, you  should  be  kept  waiting  like  this. 

MISS    MIDDLETON 

It's  no  worse  to  wait  in  a  republic  than  at  a 
court,  is  it,  Mr.  Ambassador? 

MR.    DRAKE 

I'm  going  to  have  a  little  rest  before  the  party 
sets  in.  Come  along,  Mr.  Turner,  and  have  a 
smoke. 

He  walks  toward  the  right,  Turner  following. 

MISS    MIDDLETON 

I'm  coming,  too.     Come  on,  Miss  Turner. 

They  follow,  leaving  Mrs.  Barney  and  The 
Ambassador. 

MR.    DRAKE 
{Taking   out  his   cigarette  case  wistfully)      I 
was  going  into  the  smooking  room  to  have  a  ciga- 
rette. 


92  STULTITIA 

MISS    MIDDLETON 

(Snatching  one)  I'm  coming,  too.  There's 
no  one  in  there  now. 

MR.    DRAKE 

Look  out,  you'll  shock  Miss  Turner.  You 
don't  realize  that  this  is  a  solemn  occasion. 

MISS  MIDDLETON 
(Pirouettes,  waving  the  cigarette  above  her 
head)  Solemn  occasions  always  make  me  feel 
frivolous.  Do  you  think  it's  wrong  for  women  to 
smoke,  Miss  Turner?  I  never  can  understand 
why  it's  respectable  for  a  girl  to  be  a  pig  about 
candy  and  ruin  her  health,  and  disreputable  to 
smoke  a  few  cigarettes. 

MR.    DRAKE 

But  remember  the  Puritans. 

MISS    MIDDLETON 

I  sometimes  think  we've  just  enough  of  the  Pur- 
itan left  to  make  us  pigs,  but  not  enough  to  make 
us  good. 

Miss  Middleton  gives  back  the  cigarette  and 
Drake  and  Turner  walk  out. 


THIRD    DISCUSSION  93 

MISS    MIDDLETON 

{To  Miss  Turner)      You're  not  shocked,  are 
you? 

Miss  Turner  smiles  dubiously. 

MISS    MIDDLETON 

Well,   to   console  you,   I'll  tell  you.     I   don't 
smoke. —  I  want  to  introduce  you  to  some  people. 

She  leads  her  to  the  door  of  the  Blue  Room, 
where  the  man  on  duty  lowers  the  cord  to  ad- 
mit them. 

Most  of  the  people  in  the  hall  seat  themselves 
on  the  benches.  Captain  Hawk,  in  uni- 
form, walks  in  hurriedly  and  shakes  hands 
with  several  people. 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

{To  Mrs.  Barney)      Am  I  late?     Has  the 
President  come  down? 

MRS.    BARNEY 

No,  but  he  must  be  here  soon.     He's  been  at 

my  husband's  dinner  to  Mr.  Goldstein,  the  banker. 

Captain  Hawk  looks  at  a  watch  on  his  wrist. 

From  the  East  Room  enter  with  slow  gait, 


94  STULTITIA 

Senator  Dormant,  Representative 
Shuffler  and  Senator  Hyhead,  in  earnest 
conversation.     Captain  Hawk  greets  them. 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

Well,  gentlemen,  what's  the  fate  of  the  coun- 
try? 

Drake  re-enters  and  joins  the  group. 

MR.    TURNER 
( To  himself,  following,  with  a  pensive  air)      I 
wonder  if  Miss  Middleton  can  be  respectable. 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

Have  you  decided  to  put  through  the  army  and 
navy  bills  and  confirm  Drake  for  that  embassy? 

MR.    SHUFFLER 

{Confidentially  to  Hawk)  I  did  all  I  could  to 
get  through  that  bill  —  ahem.  Upon  more  ma- 
ture consideration  (sententiously)  I  concluded 
that  the  broad  interests  of  the  country  ought  to 
override  any  little  question  of  party  expediency. 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

{Aside)      God  bless  Dan  Riley. 


THIRD    DISCUSSION  95 

MR.    DRAKE 

( To  Senator  Dormant)  How's  it  going  in 
the  Senate? 

SENATOR   DORMANT 

No  chance  at  all. 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

{To  Mr.  Shuffler,  sarcastically)  You  saw 
the  light  too  late,  Mr.  Shuffler. 

SENATOR   DORMANT 

{Continuing)  It's  all  decided.  We  are  going 
to  throw  out  both  bills.  The  Congress  of  the 
United  States  stands  as  a  bulwark  to  protect  the 
American  people  from  the  military  and  imperial- 
istic policy  of  the  Executive. 

SENATOR    HYHEAD 

Mr.  Drake,  you  diplomatists  ought  to  know 
about  precedence.  Senator  Dormant  has  been 
raging  for  an  hour  because  he  thought  he  did  not 
get  the  right  seat  at  Barney's  dinner  tonight.  He 
was  placed  below  a  foreign  minister. 


96  STULTITIA 

MR.    DRAKE 

Democratic  simplicity,  Senator,  makes  every 
President  afraid  to  draw  up  definite  rules  of  cere- 
mony for  Washington.  We  do  not  recognize  the 
fact  that  two  people  cannot  sit  on  the  same  chair. 
It  seems  order  is  monarchical;  confusion  demo- 
cratic. 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

But  about  that  legislation? 

SENATOR    DORMANT 
{Muttering)      Infernal         outrage  —  halfway 
down  the  table. 

Some  of  the  other  guests  having  resumed  walk- 
ing up  and  down,  they  seat  themselves.  An 
Aide-de-Camp  hurries  down  the  stair  and 
makes  a  sign  that  The  President  is  com- 
ing. The  hand  strikes  up  "  The  Star  Span- 
gled Banner."  Hawk  and  Drake  spring  to 
their  feet  and  stand  at  attention.  The  for- 
eigners rise;  the  Americans  more  slowly. 
Mrs.  Barney  remains  seated.  Captain 
Hawk  steps  up  to  her. 


THIRD    DISCUSSION  97 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

I  beg  your  pardon,  Mrs.  Barney.  This  is  the 
"  Star  Spangled  Banner." 

MRS.    BARNEY 

(Rising  slowly)  Oh.  Is  this  our  national  an- 
them? Why,  I  thought  it  had  the  same  tune  as 
"  God  Save  the  King." 

The  President,  with  his  Wife  on  his  arm,  ap- 
pears from  the  stairway,  followed  by  two 
Aides-de-Camp.  Everyone  bows.  They  are 
surrounded  and  greet  their  guests  in  an  un- 
assuming manner.  Mr.  Barney  joins  that 
group,  coming  from  the  Blue  Room,  accom- 
panied by  Mr.  Goldstein,  the  banker.  Mr. 
Barney  is  a  hale  and  hearty-looking  business 
man  of  sixty.  Mr.  Goldstein  is  a  short 
man,  stout  and  heavily  built,  with  a  bull  neck, 
grey  hair  and  beard  and  face  of  mask-like  im- 
mobility, with  shrewd,  hard  eyes  and  rather 
heavy  features  of  the  Jewish  type.  He  ad- 
vances rather  pompously  and  greets  The 
President  coldly.  The  President  returns 
the  greeting  with  marked  cordiality. 
Drake  and  Hawk  walk  apart  from  the  group 
of  Senators. 


98  STULTITIA 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

(To  Drake  earnestly  and  sadly)  Those  bills 
are  killed.  We  are  going  to  get  caught  with  no 
adequate  army  or  navy.  You  can't  make  these 
people  see. 

MR.    DRAKE 

Let's  both  resign  from  the  service.  What's  the 
use  ?  We  cannot  serve  our  country  with  men  like 
those  standing  like  a  stone  wall  between  us  and 
the  nation.  The  President  sees;  we  all  see;  they 
won't  see.  Senator  Dormant's  a  well-meaning, 
honest  gentleman;  but  he  thinks  Jefferson's  still 
President;  hasn't  had  a  new  idea  since.  Shuffler 
hasn't  an  idea  above  ward  politics.  Hyhead's  all 
in  the  clouds  and  it  pains  him  to  think  anybody's 
honest  —  a  real  Expressive  reformer. 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

Yes.  There  are  heaps  of  good  men  in  Con- 
gress, but  the  tragedy  is  they  are  swamped  by  these 
types  and  paralyzed. 

Just  then  Senator  and  Mrs.  Rock  and  Miss 
Rock  enter.  Hawk  and  Drake  welcome 
them  politely. 


THIRD    DISCUSSION  99 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

(To  Miss  Rock)  So  glad  to  know  by  your 
presence  here  that  your  brother  escaped.  (To 
Senator  Rock)  A  horrible  thing.  Have  you 
the  particulars?  What  caused  it?  How  many 
poor  devils  were  killed? 

SENATOR   ROCK 

My  son,  the  manager,  was  injured  by  flying  de- 
bris. He's  in  hospital.  (Indifferently)  A 
couple  of  dozen  laborers  killed  —  some  wounded. 
Probably  sympathized  with  the  strike.  Serves 
'em  right.     I  want  to  speak  to  the  President. 

He  joins  the  group  where  The  President 
stands.  Mrs.  Rock  and  Miss  Rock  speak 
to  The  President's  Wife.  Mrs.  Barney 
joins  them. 

the  president's  wife 
How  happy  you  must  be  that  your  dear  boy  es- 
caped? 

MRS.    ROCK 

A  merciful  Providence.  What  are  we  coming 
to  in  this  country?  Strikes  and  the  income  tax; 
suffrage,  women  smoking  and  not  going  to  church. 


ioo  STULTITIA 

Why,  there  are  very  few  respectable  people  left. 
We'll  have  socialism  next.  Senator  Rock  and  I 
do  what  we  can.  We  always  support  the  Church 
and  give  to  all  the  charities.  So  many  people 
don't  go  to  church  nowadays.  Why  Miss  Mill, 
the  settlement  worker,  told  me  she  never  went  to 
any  particular  church.  I  had  always  supposed 
she  was  a  lady. 

MRS.    BARNEY 

(With  superior  urbanity,  to  The  President's 
Wife)  Isn't  Mrs.  Rock  deliciously  old-fash- 
ioned? (To  Mrs.  Rock)  I  suppose  you  give 
the  Levitical  10  per  cent,  to  the  poor. 

MRS.    ROCK 

Oh,  not  quite,  I  suppose.  That  was  meant  for 
the  masses.  For  rich  people  that  would  run  to 
an  enormous  sum. 

THE    PRESIDENT'S    WIFE 

How  are  the  conditions  of  labor  in  your  hus- 
band's mills?  Plenty  of  light  and  air,  good  quar- 
ters and  so  forth? 


THIRD    DISCUSSION  101 

MRS.    ROCK 

Oh,  I  suppose  they're  all  right  —  I  never  go  to 
the  mills  myself. 

Doctor  Harmony  and  Mrs.  Tinker  emerge 
from  the  Blue  Room. 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

{Remarks  to  Drake  as  they  pass)      There  go 
two  of  our  honest,  well-meaning  enemies. 

MRS.    ROCK 

Oh,  there's  Mrs.  Tinker.     I  must  be  nice  to 
her.     Now  if  these  working  people  didn't  drink  — 

She  walks  over  and  greets  Mrs.  Tinker  and 
Doctor  Harmony  with  cordiality  and  brings 
them  up  to  meet  The  President  and  his 
Wife. 

the  president 
A  great  chance  for  patriotic  service,  Mr.  Gold- 
stein. You  must  finance  that  railroad  to  Panama. 
They're  cutting  down  the  navy  and  we've  got  to 
have  a  land  route  to  defend  the  Canal  and  you 
will  do  a  great  work  in  making  the  loan  to  the 
Republic  of  Colonia.  In  the  Caribbean  near  the 
Canal,   above   all,   we  cannot  have  the   Monroe 


102  STULTITIA 

Doctrine    challenged.     Europe's    pressing    them 
hard. 

MR.    GOLDSTEIN 
{With  a   marked  foreign   accent)      Yes,    Mr. 
President,  we  always  like  to  co-operate  with  the 
Government,  but  will  we  be  protected? 

THE    PRESIDENT 

{Laughingly)  Well,  we  cannot  attach  a  bat- 
tleship to  every  bond,  but  we'll  look  after  you.  I 
will  speak  to  the  Senators. 

The  President,  with  Mr.  Goldstein,  joins 
the  three  Senators,  to  whom  he  introduces 
him.     They  chat. 

THE    PRESIDENT 

{Beckons  his  Aide-de-camp  and  says  to  him) 
Look  after  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Barney  and  see  that 
they  have  a  good  time  and  meet  everyone. 
They've  just  moved  here,  you  know. 

The  Aide-de-camp  disappears. 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

( To  Drake)  The  President  seems  to  be  very 
attentive  to  that  Barney,  the  department  store 
king.     What's  up  ? 


THIRD    DISCUSSION  103 

MR.    DRAKE 

My  guileless  little  child.  Barney's  department 
stores  are  the  greatest  advertisers  in  the  country. 
The  President  wants  editorial  support  from  the 
papers  Barney  advertises  in.  Their  four  million 
circulation  forms  that  powerful  and  unanimous 
opinion  of  those  who  don't  know  the  facts.  Now 
do  you  see?  Didn't  you  know  that  bankers  and 
department  stores  and  other  active  organizations 
ruled  us  through  the  newspapers?  Why,  we  the 
unorganized  majority  just  lap  it  up  every  morn- 
ing with  breakfast  and  think  we  are  forming  our 
own  opinions.  Look  at  that  hubbub  that  lost  us 
the  nearest  approach  to  a  friendship  we  had  in 
Europe.  (Continuing)  That  little  old  banker 
there  is  the  finger  of  destiny.  Wars  today  are 
settled  in  the  counting  houses,  not  in  foreign  offices 
and  general  staffs.     I  wonder  what  he  will  do? 

THE    PRESIDENT 

(To  Senator  Dormant)  We  want  you  to 
ratify  those  conventions.  Then,  with  the  help  of 
Mr.  Goldstein  and  his  friends,  we  can  get  our 
railroad  to  Panama  and  with  the  conventions  take 
those  republics  beyond  the  reach  of  European 
danger. 


104  STULTITIA 

SENATOR   DORMANT 

Well,  I've  never  thought  we  ought  to  get  mixed 
up  in  these  things. 

SENATOR    HYHEAD 

I'm  quite  sure  that  in  the  West  there  is  no  sen- 
timent in  favor  of  these  policies  of  expansion. 
Take  the  situation  today.  It  is  a  matter  of  le- 
gitimate expediency.  Now  a  professor  from  a 
European  university  was  telling  me  the  other  day 
about  the  burden  of  the  Philippines  upon  the 
United  States. 

MR.    SHUFFLER 

Mr.  President,  I  was  going  to  ask  you  about 
that  appointment. 

THE    PRESIDENT 

Sorry,  I  must  go  now  to  greet  our  other  guests. 

SENATOR    HYHEAD 

Oh!  Got  through  that  bill  for  the  protection 
of  waterfowl.  I  hope  you'll  be  able  to  sign  it 
tomorrow,  Mr.  President. 

THE    PRESIDENT 

I  hope  to  see  you  later,  gentlemen. 


THIRD    DISCUSSION  105 

Accompanied  by  his  Aide-de-camp,  The  Presi- 
dent joins  his  Wife  and  they  pass  into  the 
East  Room.  The  President,  appearing  to 
have  forgotten  something,  immediately  re- 
turns. 

THE    PRESIDENT 

Oh,  Senator  Rock.  I  almost  forgot  to  tell  you 
how  glad  I  am  to  hear  that  your  son  was  not  seri- 
ously hurt  in  the  explosion.  Senator,  can't  you 
turn  the  tide  in  favor  of  those  national  defense 
bills  and  get  the  treaties  ratified?  You  know  the 
safety  of  the  country  demands  this. 

SENATOR   ROCK 

{Flaring  up  somewhat)  The  safety  of  this 
country  demands  less  interference  with  capital  and 
more  restraint  of  this  labor  movement.  Your 
sympathy  is  largely  responsible  for  these  absurd 
pretensions  of  labor.  You  need  ask  no  favors  of 
me. 

THE    PRESIDENT 

This  very  morning  Stone,  the  labor  leader,  was 
here  demanding  for  labor  freedom  from  all  re- 
straint by  injunction.  He  said  he  hoped  there'd 
be  no  trouble  at  your  mills.     But  he  told  me,  Sen- 


106  STULTITIA 

ator,  that  I  ought  to  see  the  labor  conditions  in 
your  mills.  I'm  going  to.  I'll  fight  the  tyranny 
of  labor  and  I'll  fight  the  tyranny  of  capital  as 
long  as  I  live.  You  expect  to  make  men  and 
women  into  machines,  doing  work  of  crazing  mo- 
notony and  to  work  them  more  than  eight  hours 
a  day  in  bad  air  and  discomfort? 

SENATOR   ROCK 

Well,  those  immigrants  are  better  off  than  they 
were  at  home. 

THE    PRESIDENT 

And  what  immigrants  some  of  them  are.  You 
want  the  open  door  to  foreign  labor.  Stone  de- 
mands lace  curtains  and  a  piano  for  every  hod 
carrier.  We're  getting  too  much  money  and  not 
enough  happiness  in  this  country.  We'd  better 
be  a  small  nation  than  a  big  mob.  I'm  against 
both  you  and  Stone  —  and  for  precisely  similar 
reasons.     You're  both  brutally,  blindly  selfish. 

SENATOR   ROCK 

{To  himself)      Well,  I'll  get  even  with  him. 
He  joins  the  group  of  Senators  at  the  right. 
Drake  and  Hawk  rejoin  the  group  and  one  of 


THIRD    DISCUSSION  107 

the  diplomats  shaking  hands  with  Drake  ac- 
companies them. 

SENATOR   DORMANT 

No,  as  I  was  telling  the  President,  I'm  against 
this  military  and  naval  expansion  and  these  im- 
perialistic policies. 

THE    DIPLOMAT 

What  are  you  going  to  do  with  the  bills  and 
conventions,  Senator? 

The  Diplomat  listens  with  evident  great  in- 
terest. 

SENATOR   DORMANT 

We  think  we've  got  army  and  navy  enough. 
{Laughing)  A  little  American  army  and  navy 
goes  a  long  way,  you  know. 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

You  flatter  us,  Senator. 

Drake's  face  expresses  disgust  and  he  looks  at 
Senator  Dormant  in  a  way  to  try  to  deter 
him  from  speaking  of  these  matters  before 
a  foreigner.  The  Senator  is  blandly  ob- 
livious and  continues. 


108  STULTITIA 

SENATOR   DORMANT 

We've  always  had  the  Monroe  Doctrine  and 
I  don't  see  the  use  of  all  this  talk  of  trouble  now- 
adays. 

THE    DIPLOMAT 

I  quite  agree  with  you,  Senator.  We  used  to 
complain  that  you  would  not  let  us  come  on  shore 
and  punish  those  little  republics  when  they 
wouldn't  pay  up  and  at  the  same  time  decline  to 
do  the  police  work  yourselves. 

SENATOR    HYHEAD 

Yes,  the  United  States  should  not  assume  the 
role  of  policeman  in  this  hemisphere. 

THE    DIPLOMAT 

I  quite  agree  with  you,  Senators.  1  think  things 
are  going  very  well  as  they  are. 

MR.    SHUFFLER 

Well,  Senators,  let  us  circulate  around  a  little. 
I  want  to  go  home  and  get  to  bed  early.  You 
know  tomorrow  morning  we  have  that  important 
debate  on  the  paper  schedule.  I've  had  fifty  tele- 
grams from  newspaper  editors  today. 


THIRD    DISCUSSION  109 

SENATOR   DORMANT 

{As  they  start  slowly  to  walk  into  the  East 
Room)  Pretty  slick,  the  way  you  got  through 
that  water-fowl  bill  of  yours,  brother  Hyhead. 

MR.  SHUFFLER 
{Lagging  behind  to  speak  to  Hawk)  Since 
our  talk  about  the  army  and  navy  bill  two  weeks 
ago,  I  talked  to  the  Senate  leaders;  but,  you  see, 
they  had  three  days  for  eulogies.  Then  there 
was  a  long  filibuster  for  the  $4,000,000  naval  sta- 
tion down  at  Bitter  Creek  Harbor,  and  there  was 
Senator  Dormant's  speech  on  senatorial  courtesy, 
—  a  matter  of  personal  privilege.  There  was 
only  one  day  for  the  national  defense  bills  and 
the  Central  American  loan  conventions  and  Pan- 
ama railroad;  —  I  guess  there's  no  chance  for 
them.  They  go  out.  Mighty  sorry.  {Rather 
pleadingly)  You'll  tell  Dan  Riley  how  I  tried, 
won't  you? 

Hawk  raises   his   arms  in   despair  above   his 
head. 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

They  fiddle  while  Rome  burns  and  won't  listen 
to  the  Departments.     We  give  our  lives  to  the 


no  STULTITIA 

study  of  these  questions.  {Sarcastically)  Nat- 
urally, we're  prejudiced.  What  can  we  do  against 
the  unanimous  opinions  of  those  who  won't  know 
the  facts? 

Miss  Middleton  comes  in  with  young  Bar- 
ney and  comes  up  to  Hawk  and  Drake, 
who  are  by  this  time  the  only  persons  in  the 
hall. 

MISS    MIDDLETON 

I  have  promised  to  talk  to  Charley  Barney  if 
he  will  take  no  more  champagne. 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

(To  Barney)  You  talk  about  a  commission 
in  the  army.  We'll  turn  you  over  to  the  Salva- 
tion Army  if  you're  not  careful. 

MR.    DRAKE 

You're  a  charming  Salvation  Army  lassie,  Miss 
Middleton.  Hawk's  resigning  from  the  army 
and  I'm  going  to  chuck  my  job.  We're  going  to 
enlist  in  the  army  for  the  salvation  of  the  United 
States  of  America. 

Hawk  and  Drake  walk  out  arm  in  arm. 


THIRD    DISCUSSION  in 

MISS    MIDDLETON 

{To  Barney)  Come  over  here  and  let's  sit 
down.  (  They  sit)  Look  here,  Charley  Barney, 
you've  had  a  college  education.  You're  going 
to  control  a  great  fortune  made  in  the  United 
States.     What  are  you  going  to  do  with  your  life  ? 

BARNEY 
{Who  has  rather  an  affected  and  finicky  way, 
due  to  too  much  residence  abroad  during  the  form- 
ative period)  I  really  don't  know,  Miss  Mid- 
dleton.  My  father  wants  me  to  go  into  business. 
I  hate  business.  If  we  only  had  delightful  coun- 
try life  like  they  have  in  England,  fox-hunting  and 
house  parties  and  all  that  sort  of  thing.  I'd  like  to 
go  into  politics,  but  here  they're  so  low  down. 
It's  not  like  in  England,  where  it's  a  gentleman's 
game.  If  they  won't  give  me  a  commission  in  the 
army,  I  may  try  diplomacy. 

MISS    MIDDLETON 

{Sarcastically)  What's  the  matter  with  the 
Church  ? 

BARNEY 

Oh,  I  say,  Miss  Middleton. 


112  STULTITIA 

MISS    MIDDLETON 

Well,  American  diplomacy  is  not  gold-lace  and 
champagne.  It's  hard  work  for  patriotic  men  of 
brains,  and  the  army's  a  noble  profession. 
There's  room  for  red  blood  in  the  Church.  Now, 
if  you've  got  any  brains  and  patriotism,  get  into 
the  game  and  use  them  for  the  country.  I  don't 
know  yet  whether  you're  any  good  or  not,  but  you 
owe  your  whole  fortune  to  this  country  and  it's 
up  to  you  to  do  something  for  it.  Why  the  poli- 
tics of  one  State,  serving  the  people  in  some  local 
office  you  never  heard  of,  is  field  enough  for  any 
man.  I'm  not  surprised  you  don't  want  to  go 
into  business.  Why  should  you  want  to  make 
more  money?  You've  got  too  much  already. 
There's  some  little  excuse  for  the  selfish  neglect 
of  political  duties  by  men  who  have  a  hard  strug- 
gle to  support  their  families.  There's  none  for 
men  like  you.  Oh,  the  privilege  of  being  a  young 
American  with  enough  to  live  on  and  a  surplus  to 
spend  for  the  good  of  his  country!  If  I  were 
such  a  one  I'd  just  spend  enough  on  myself  to  be 
comfortable  and  I'd  feel  that  I  owed  the  rest  of 
my  money  and  all  my  mind,  my  courage,  and  my 
energy,  to  my  country.  What  is  the  matter  with 
young  men  like  you  ?     Don't  you  see  what  chances 


THIRD    DISCUSSION  113 

of  usefulness,  what  fine  careers,  you  are  throwing 
away?  And  you  sit  around  futile  and  gently 
bored  —  or  else  you  work  for  money  you  neither 
desire  nor  need!  Get  into  the  game.  Organize 
boy  scouts,  improve  agriculture,  run  decent  news- 
papers, take  off  your  kid  gloves  and  go  into  ward 
politics.  Do  something.  Be  something.  This 
is  your  country.  Help  run  it.  Improve  it! 
Serve  it.  Repay  it  for  the  fortunes  it  has  given 
you. 

BARNEY 

Oh,  I  say,  Miss  Middleton. 

MISS    MIDDLETON 

The  trouble  is  people  like  you  all  want  to  be 
ambassadors  or  glorified  advocates  of  peace. 
Every  little  leader  must  have  a  movement  all  his 
own.  The  average  man  cares  more  for  promi- 
nence than  for  achievement.  You  don't  like  to 
work  in  unsterilized  politics.  {Ironically)  I 
suppose  you're  too  refined.  Here  comes  your 
mother. 

Mrs.  Barney  appears. 


114  STULTITIA 

MRS.    BARNEY 

Jack,  have  you  met  that  Miss  Chrystabel 
Squiggs-Mugginson  who  is  a  house  guest  at  the 
British  Embassy? 

MISS    MIDDLETON 

How  hospitable  not  to  keep  her  in  the  stable ! 

MRS.    BARNEY 

She's  so  charming.  She's  just  been  presented  at 
Court.  Miss  Middleton,  you  ought  to  be  pre- 
sented at  Court 

BARNEY 

Come  over  motoring  with  us  this  spring.  You 
can  do  it  then. 

MISS    MIDDLETON 

(Gravely  and  thoughtfully)  I'm  not  going  to 
Europe  again  for  a  long  time  —  perhaps  never. 
It's  much  too  interesting  here  these  days. 

MRS.    BARNEY 

What  can  the  dear  child  mean?  Why  we  can 
meet  the  officials  through  our  embassy — and  the 
men  who  are  working  out  great  problems  like  In- 
dia and  Egypt,  and  Parliament  will  be  in  session. 


THIRD    DISCUSSION  115 

It's  fascinating.     My  husband  knows  the  Under- 
Secretary  of  the  English  Foreign  Office. 
Drake  walks  in  and  comes  up  to  them. 

MISS    MIDDLETON 

Oh,  Mrs.  Barney,  do  you  know  Mr.  Drake? 
He's  a  great  man  in  our  Foreign  Office. 

Mrs.  Barney  greets  him  indifferently. 

MR.    DRAKE 

( To  Miss  Middleton)  The  Governor  of  the 
Philippines  is  here  —  want  to  meet  him?  Just 
back  from  seven  years  of  fine  constructive  work. 
He  thinks  independence  would  be  fatal  —  make 
the  worst  type  of  Central  American  republic  on  a 
huge  scale.  Usual  story  —  mass  of  the  people 
simple,  honest  and  industrious.  Independence 
means  their  oppression  by  a  small  bunch  of  half- 
educated  grafters  and  opera  bouffe  heroes,  with 
a  moral  protectorate  to  drag  us  in. 

MISS    MIDDLETON 

That's  interesting.     Yes. 

BARNEY 

Do  they  have  polo  at  Manila? 


n6  STULTITIA 

MRS.    BARNEY 

Who's  the  Governor  of  the  Philippines?  I 
never  heard  of  him.  Oh,  Jack,  Miss  Squiggs- 
Mugginson  has  been  traveling  in  South  America. 
She  met  your  sister  Sibyl  —  stopped  with  them  at 
the  Legation.  She  knew  Baron  Gadding  when 
he  was  Secretary  in  London. 

MR.    DRAKE 

What's  the  news  from  Colonia?  The  Baron's 
countrymen  are  very  active  there.  I  suppose  he's 
very  busy  and  your  daughter's  become  a  great 
diplomat?  I  wish  we  had  her  on  our  side,  Mrs. 
Barney. 

MISS    MIDDLETON 

Why  did  you  let  Sibyl  marry  a  foreigner?  I 
can't  see  how  our  girls  can  do  it,  giving  up  their 
country,  taking  their  fortunes  abroad,  raising  sons 
for  foreign  armies.  What  should  we  think  of  our 
men  if  they  gave  up  their  country  so  lightly? 

MR.    DRAKE 

You're  all  right,  Miss  Middleton.  But  it's  the 
American  men  who're  to  blame.  We're  too  shy, 
or  too  busy,  or  too  lazy  to  cultivate  the  arts  and 


THIRD    DISCUSSION  117 

graces.  We  don't  give  our  women  a  look  in  on 
the  big  things.  We  fall  between  the  harem  and 
the  partnership.  When  you  get  woman's  suf- 
frage you  can  change  the  law  of  expatriation;  — 
or  to  put  a  tax  on  fortunes  expatriated  through 
marriage  would  be  very  effective,  I  daresay. 
Mrs.  Barney,  how  does  the  Baroness  like  Co- 
lonia? 

MRS.    BARNEY 

Oh,  I  don't  know.  Those  posts  are  so  stupid. 
They  just  missed  going  to  the  Balkans.  I  wish 
the  Baron  could  be  stationed  in  Europe  —  or  come 
to  Washington. 

MR.    DRAKE 

(Thoughtfully)  Colonia  is  in  the  Balkans  of 
the  United  States, —  our  most  important  sphere  of 
vital  interest. 

MRS.    BARNEY 

The  Queen  of  Roumania  is  so  interesting!  She 
has  a  wonderful  hospital  for  the  blind.  I'm  work- 
ing for  one  in  New  York.  We've  got  the  Eng- 
lish ambassadress  to  be  a  patroness.  It  must  be 
so  dreadful  to  be  blind  and  not  be  able  to  see  and 
understand  things. 


n8  STULTITIA 

MISS    MIDDLETON 

We  need  a  school  for  the  blind  who  won't  see. 

MRS.    BARNEY 

Here  comes  the  dear  Ambassador. 

The  Ambassador  appears  at  the  door  of  the 
Green  Room,  looks  about,  evidently  in  search 
of  someone,  and  turns  back. 

MRS.    BARNEY 

{Rising)  The  diplomats  are  all  going  home. 
It's  getting  late.  I  must  find  Mr.  Barney  and  go. 
Come,  Jack,  I  want  to  introduce  you  to  that  de- 
lightful English  girl. 

Jack  says  good-night  to  Miss  Middleton  and 
Drake  and  he  and  his  mother  pass  into  the 
East  Room. 

Miss  Middleton  is  meanwhile  led  by  Drake 
to  a  seat  at  the  right  behind  the  palm  trees. 
Once  alone  with  Miss  Middleton,  he  as- 
sumes a  very  tender  manner  toward  her. 
They  converse  in  low  tone.  He  takes  her 
hand,  which  she  soon  withdraws,  An  Aide- 
de-camp  enters  evidently  looking  for  some 
one. 


THIRD    DISCUSSION  119 

THE    AIDE-DE-CAMP 

Drake,  are  you  there? 

MR.    DRAKE 

Yes,  here  I  am. 

THE    AIDE-DE-CAMP 

Just  wait  a  minute,  Mr.  Barney  wants  to  see 
you.      I'll  get  him. 

He    goes    out    and   returns    immediately    with 
Barney,  Sr. 

mr.  barney 
{Confidentially)  I  don't  like  to  tell  the  Presi- 
dent. Will  you  tell  him?  You  know  he  wants 
those  newspapers  to  support  editorially  his  na- 
tional defense  policy  and  those  treaties  and  the 
ship  subsidy.  Tell  him  I've  spoken  to  'em. 
They  say  the  public's  not  interested  in  foreign  af- 
fairs. There's  no  demand.  I  couldn't  press 
them.  You  see  Goldstein  and  his  friends  are 
against  it.  Well,  you  see,  my  credit's  in  their 
hands.  I'm  patriotic,  and  all  that,  you  know,  but 
business  is  business.  I  don't  know  what's  the  mat- 
ter with  Goldstein.     Now  if  we  could  have  a 


120  STULTITIA 

little  war  —  not  serious  —  that  would  have  a 
news  value  —  excite  the  public.  You  could  get 
the  press  behind  you. 

MR.    DRAKE 

Yes,  when  it  was  too  late.     Thanks.     I'll  tell 
the  President.     Good-night. 

Mr.  Barney  says  good-night  and  withdraws. 
Drake  returns  to  his  seat  beside  Miss  Mid- 
dleton.  He  sighs  and  looks  wrapped  in 
gloomy  thought.  She  watches  him.  Sud- 
denly his  eyes  turn  to  her  and  his  expression 
changes  to  one  of  tenderness.  He  smiles 
and  again  takes  her  hand,  which  she  again 
withdraws.  The  hum  of  voices  has  gradu- 
ally died  away.  A  colored  servant  comes 
out  the  doors  of  the  East  Room,  which  he 
closes,  and  then  starts  to  the  door  of  the 
Green  Room,  where  he  meets  The  Ambas- 
sador coming  out  with  his  arm  in  that  of 
Mr.  Goldstein.  They  are  in  earnest  con- 
versation, in  low  tones. 

THE    AMBASSADOR 

(To  the  Servant)     Are  we  the  last? 


THIRD    DISCUSSION  121 

SERVANT 

Yas,  sah.  Youse  de  las'.  But  dey  ain't  no 
hurry.  Jest  you  take  yo  time,  gemmen.  When 
youse  ready  jest  come  through  hyar  an'  I'll  let 
you  out  through  the  South  do'. 

THE  AMBASSADOR 
(Pointing)  Through  there?  All  right. 
As  The  Ambassador  and  Mr.  Goldstein 
saunter  to  the  middle  of  the  room,  where 
they  stand  talking,  Drake  seizes  Miss  Mid- 
DLETON  by  the  wrist  and  forces  her  with  him- 
self into  a  position  against  the  wall  where 
they  are  quite  hidden.  Miss  MlDDLETON 
looks  surprised,  but  holds  her  peace  at  a  sig- 
nal from  Drake. 

THE   AMBASSADOR 

Now  is  it  understood,  once  for  all,  friend  Gold- 
stein? His  Majesty  feels  the  greatest  interest 
in  our  enterprise  in  Colonia.  Support  these 
American  plans,  remember,  and  no  more  market 
for  your  securities  on  our  bourse  or  with  our  al- 
lies. His  Majesty  wishes  to  see  no  merchant  ma- 
rine in  this  country,  either.  Your  race  is  being 
persecuted    still     in     our    allies'     country.     His 


122  STULTITIA 

Majesty's  influence  would  be  valuable.  A  Yan- 
kee naval  and  diplomatic  expansion  just  now  would 
be  very  inopportune.  You  of  course  love  your 
new  country;  but  what  do  they  want?  We  must 
expand.  His  Majesty  has  great  plans.  This 
great  peace  movement  is  America's  natural  role. 
They  can  afford  it.  Get  the  shipping  and  finan- 
cial interests  to  see  this.  Now,  goodnight.  And, 
if  you  decide  to  go  back  and  would  like  to  be 
Baron  Goldstein  —  maybe  I  could  help  you. 

MR.    GOLDSTEIN 

Yes,  Excellency;  but  where  do  I  come  in?  As 
a  matter  of  business  I  should  have  liked  to  take 
these  loans  for  Colonia  and  the  railroad  to  Pan- 
ama, but  — 

THE    AMBASSADOR 

You  cannot  do  it.     I  can  turn  something  your 
way  later  through  your  European  house.     (Laugh- 
ing)     There  may  be  no  trouble,  but  if  there  is, 
it  will  be  big  trouble.     We'll  let  your  house  in  on 
the  financing  of  the  war  indemnity!     Goodnight. 
The  Ambassador  goes  out  through  the  Green 
Room  with  a  jaunty  gait.     Mr.  Goldstein 
stands    with    rather   a   stupefied    expression 


THIRD    DISCUSSION  123 

wrapped  in  silent  thought.  The  Aide-de- 
camp appears  at  the  Blue  Room  door  with 
Hawk,  Mr.  Turner  and  Miss  Turner. 

THE    AIDE-DE-CAMP 

Why  Drake  and  Miss  Middleton  were  here  a 
few  minutes  ago.  They  said  they'd  meet  us 
here.  {Seeing  Goldstein,  who  has  turned 
around  in  surprise,  aroused  from  his  reverie) 
Good  evening  again,  Mr.  Goldstein. 

DRAKE    AND    MISS    MIDDLETON 

{Who  have  meanwhile  crept  along  the  wall  and 
returned  by  a  detour  of  the  rooms)  Here  we 
are.     We  thought  you  were  never  coming. 

MR.    GOLDSTEIN 
{Who  has  regained  his  composure,  joins  them) 
The  beautiful  American  simplicity  of  this  White 
House  captivates  me.     I  forgot  all  about  the  time. 
This  is  awful.     I  must  be  going  right  away. 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

{To  Miss  Middleton)  The  Turner  family 
has  had  an  eye-opener  this  evening.  Turner  has 
seen  his  Expressive  idol,  Senator  Hyhead,  at  close 


124  STULTITIA 

range.  He  heard  all  about  the  bill  for  the  pro- 
tection of  waterfowl,  and  then  the  ten  command- 
ments, decently  cloaked,  of  course,  in  legitimate 
expediency.  You'll  let  me  write  to  you,  won't 
you,  Miss  Turner?  (Quite  seriously)  It's  been 
a  wonderful  evening —  such  a  joy  to  meet  a  plain 
—  no,  far  from  plain  (Miss  Turner  looks  silly 
and  blushes)  a  simple  American  girl  of  the  old 
school,  with  no  European  airs  —  and  with  serious 
ideas. 

MR.    GOLDSTEIN 

Good-night,  ladies.     Good  — 

MR.    DRAKE 

(Pale  and  with  tragic  earnestness)  Mr.  Gold- 
stein —  or  have  you  decided  to  be  Baron  Gold- 
stein ?  — 

Goldstein  turns  pale  —  composes  himself,  and 
smirks,  resuming  an  air  of  some  assurance. 
The  President  appears  suddenly  in  the 
door  of  the  Green  Room,  with  his  hands  in 
his  pockets  and  smoking  a  long  cigar. 

THE    PRESIDENT 

What!     Some  of  you  still  here?     Hello,  Mr. 
Goldstein.      (Very   cordially.     Goldstein   bows 


THIRD    DISCUSSION  125 

with  constraint)  Hello,  Drake.  Hello,  Miss 
Middleton  —  up  pretty  late,  aren't  you?  (He 
nods  to  them  all)  This  is  fine.  I  can't  sleep. 
I'm  too  worried  about  those  national  defense  meas- 
ures. I've  been  out  on  the  terrace  thinking.  It 
got  a  little  cool,  so  I  thought  I'd  come  in  here  and 
walk  up  and  down  and  smoke  awhile. 

MR.    GOLDSTEIN 

I  must  go,  Mr.  President. 
He  holds  out  his  hand. 

MR.    DRAKE 

(Quietly)  Don't  shake  that  man's  hand. 
He's  a  traitor. 

Goldstein  recoils. 

THE    PRESIDENT 

(With  a  start,  severely)  Mr.  Drake!  You 
forget  yourself. 

MR.    DRAKE 

I  apologize,  sir;  but  this  is  serious.  You  must 
know  of  this.  It  is  made  criminal  by  statute  for 
an  American  citizen  to  correspond  with  a  foreign 
government  against  the  diplomatic  interests  of  the 


126  STULTITIA 

United  States.  A  certain  Ambassador  practically 
ordered  this  man  to  oppose  your  measures  of  na- 
tional defense.  He  acquiesced.  I  will  tell  you 
the  details  later.  {To  Mr.  Goldstein,  pulling 
down  his  cuff)  I  have  a  stenographic  report  of 
that  whole  conversation.  {Sarcastically)  It 
would  make  good  reading  in  the  papers,  wouldn't 
it?     If  the  American  people  knew  — 

MR.    GOLDSTEIN 

{With  a  snarl)  Do  you  think  they  would  print 
it?  Do  you  think  they'd  believe  you,  a  mere 
bureaucrat?  I  will  have  Senator  Dormant  spoken 
to  about  an  investigation  of  your  Department  and 
its  meddling  imperialistic  schemes. 

THE    PRESIDENT 

{With  emotion,  to  his  Aide-de-camp)  Show 
Mr.  Goldstein  out. 

The  President  stands  in  the  middle  of  the  hall 
with  his  hands  to  his  head  and  groans:  "  Oh, 
Lord,  is  this  possible!"  The  others  stand 
in  a  group  to  the  right,  respectfully  silent. 

THE    PRESIDENT 

And  I  counted  on  Goldstein  as  an  American. 
Perhaps  I  was  wrong  to  expect  it.     Look  at  these 


THIRD    DISCUSSION  127 

native  born  Americans  chosen  by  the  nation.  I 
can't  even  make  them  stand  up  together  for  the 
broad  national  interest.  It's  in  the  air.  If  we 
who  are  born  here  can't  work  together  as  one  for 
the  nation,  what  on  earth  can  we  expect  of  those 
we  wish  to  assimilate?  {Wistfully)  But  we  take 
them  in  so  heartily.  How  can  they  ever  stand 
apart  when  it  comes  to  a  national  duty?  You'd 
think  they'd  feel  they  owed  a  special  debt  of  grati- 
tude. God  give  us  a  second  generation  American 
through  and  through  and  teach  us  to  set  them  an 
example  of  earnest  nationalism. 

MR.    DRAKE 

What  an  evening !  First,  that  fellow  Caro,  a 
near-American  foreigner,  interfering  in  our  in- 
dustrial and  social  affairs,  and  now  this  other 
American  foreigner  controlling  our  public  opin- 
ion and  interfering  in  policies  vital  to  the  coun- 
try. 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

Mr.  Goldstein  is  too  broadminded  for  us. 
Thank  God,  they're  not  all  like  him.  {Excit- 
edly)     I'm   for  every  true  American,   whatever 


128  STULTITIA 

his  race  or  creed  (striking  his  hand  on  the  hilt 
of  his  sword)  but  I'm  against  people  who  are 
American  this  or  American  that, —  though  I'm 
willing  to  fight  and  die  for  any  kind  of  Americans. 
The  country  first.     That's  the  test. 

THE    PRESIDENT 

I'll  sit  down  with  you  a  few  minutes.  Then 
you  must  all  go  home. 

MISS    MIDDLETON. 

(Goes  up  to  The  President  and  pats  her  hand 
in  his)  I  want  to  tell  you  something,  Mr.  Presi- 
dent. I'm  going  to  marry  Mr.  Drake.  (Drake 
looks  rapturous  and  surprised  and  seizes  her  free 
hand  and  kisses  it)  I  haven't  told  him  yet,  but 
I  found  out  this  evening  that  he  loves  his  country 
more  than  he  loves  me.     That's  why. 

THE    PRESIDENT 

My  wife  will  be  happy.  You're  great  favor- 
ites of  hers,  you  know.  (He  pats  them  on  the 
shoulders)  I  wish  you  all  happiness,  dear  chil- 
dren. 

All  congratulate  them. 


THIRD    DISCUSSION  129 

THE    PRESIDENT 

Don't  I  get  a  kiss  as  master  of  the  house? 
(  They  laugh  as  he  steps  forward) 

The  President  kisses  her  on  the  forehead. 
An  old-fashioned  clock  meanwhile  chimes  the 
hour  of  one. 

THE    PRESIDENT 

Now,  young  people,  it's  one  o'clock.  Good 
gracious.  You  must  go  home,  young  ladies. 
{Meanwhile  the  lights  have  gradually  gone  out 
in  the  room  beyond  and  are  growing  dim  in  the 
hall.  All  are  standing  and  The  PRESIDENT 
starts  toward  the  stair) 

THE    PRESIDENT 
( Taking  a  -paper  from  his  pocket)      Oh,  by  the 
way,  Drake,  here's  a  carbon  of  a  telegram  tonight 
from  that  embassy  of  ours.     What  do  you  make 
of  it? 

The  lights  are  growing  dim  as  he  reads  it  and 
a  thin  white  film  drops  before  the  stage,  in- 
creasing the  effect  of  dimness  and  making  the 
group  appear  to  recede. 


130  STULTITIA 

MR.    DRAKE 
(In   a  low  voice)      They're   in   earnest   about 
Colonia.     None  but  the  best  diplomacy  can  stop 
them  —  if  it's  not  too  late  already. 

THE    PRESIDENT 

Petty  politics.     The  rule  of  little  Americans. 
CAPTAIN    HAWK 

God  bless  our  big  America. 

Other  filmy  curtains  fall,  gradually  increasing 
the  dimness.  The  orchestra  begins  to  play 
the  "  Star  Spangled  Banner  "  faintly. 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

(Continues)  What  fools  we  are  getting  to  be. 
Lord  have  mercy  upon  us.  ( Very  faintly )  Poor 
navy  fellows.  Worse  than  us.  Sunk  like  rats. 
Three  to  one.  No  chance.  Damn  that  fellow 
Shuffler.  Everything  for  re-election.  Country 
can  go  to  hell. 

Meanwhile  the  orchestra  has  become  loud  and 
the  curtain  has  become  a  solid  white  sheet. 
Upon  it  appears  first  a  body  of  troops  march- 
ing by.     The  orchestra  plays  a  march.     Then 


THIRD    DISCUSSION  131 

appears  a  battleship,  steaming  by,  while  a 
navy  tune  is  played.  Then  is  seen  the  en- 
trance to  the  Panama  Canal.  The  orchestra 
is  softly  playing  the  "  Star  Spangled  Ban- 
ner," one  section  of  it  introducing  alternately 
the  national  anthems  of  Great  Britain,  Japan, 
Germany  and  France.  Certain  concealed  in- 
struments punctuate  this  medley  with  the 
crash  and  whistle  of  shells  and  the  rattle  of 
musketry.  These  sounds  gradually  give 
place  to  the  wailing  of  women  as  the  music 
grows  fainter.  A  party  of  troops  is  seen  to 
rush  a  redoubt  where  the  American  flag 
flies,  to  lower  the  flag  and  to  raise  another 
flag.  The  lights  in  the  theatre,  which  have 
gradually  grown  dimmer,  go  out  for  fifteen 
seconds.  Then  the  mist  on  the  stage  clears 
away  and  reveals  the  actors  standing  exactly 
as  before. 


Curtain 


FOURTH  DISCUSSION 


FOURTH  DISCUSSION 

Scene  I 

Three  years  and  a  half  have  elapsed.  It  is  nine 
o'clock  of  an  evening  in  November.  The  scene 
is  the  office  of  The  Chief  of  Staff,  in  all  re- 
spects the  same  as  in  the  first  act.  General 
Middleton,  The  Chief  of  Staff,  in  civilian 
clothes,  sits  at  his  desk  with  piles  of  papers 
before  him.  The  room  is  brightly  lighted,  as 
is  the  room  beyond,  from  which  is  heard  the 
rattle  of  many  typewriters.  Clerks  pass  to  and 
fro  with  papers.  A  young  officer  in  civilian 
clothes  sits  in  a  chair  at  the  right  of  the  desk 
of  The  Chief  of  Staff,  half  facing  him. 
General  Middleton  has  aged  noticeably,  his 
hair  having  turned  grey.  His  face  wears  a 
haggard,  careworn  look,  and  a  sad  expression. 
Captain  Hawk  in  evening  dress  sits  in  an 
easy-chair  at  the  left  of  General  Middle- 
ton's  desk,  lounging  with  a  thoughtful  air  and 
smoking  a  cigarette. 

135 


136  STULTITIA 

THE    GENERAL 

(To  Hawk)  How  do  you  like  it  out  in  Chi- 
cago? 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

Oh,  pretty  well  in  some  ways.  There's  some- 
thing about  those  western  people :  they're  whole- 
souled  and  real.  When  we  get  those  people 
really  to  attend  to  public  questions  and  watch  what 
goes  on  at  their  State  capitals  and  what  goes  on 
here  in  Washington,  we're  going  to  get  a  square 
deal  for  sane  government  policies.  So  far  the 
press  and  the  politicians  have  been  too  much  in 
the  way. 

The  officer  at  Hawk's  old  desk  getting  up  and 
walking  toward  Hawk  with  a  gesture,  says 
to  him:  "  Won't  you  come  over  and  sit  at 
your  old  desk?  You'll  feel  more  at  home." 
Hawk  is  in  a  brown  study  for  a  moment. 
He  then  gets  up  and  with  a  smile  of  appre- 
ciation replies:  u  Thanks  very  much."  He 
goes  over,  exchanging  seats  with  the  officer. 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

The  Drakes  and  ourselves  were  dining  tonight 
at  Mrs.  Barney's.     Everyone  gay  as  a  lark.     Ca- 


FOURTH    DISCUSSION  137 

bello  and  Verda  were  going  to  sing,  five  thousand 
per,  followed  by  some  new-fangled  dancers  at  the 
same  figure.  Just  like  the  ball  before  Waterloo. 
Confusion  at  home  and  war  clouds  on  the  horizon, 
—  and  {bitterly)  not  an  idea  above  dancing, 
pretty  dresses  and  a  good  time.  I  couldn't  stand 
it.     Drake  will  be  along  soon. 

THE    GENERAL 

Drake's  doing  great  work  with  his  editorials 
since  he  left  the  State  Department.  I  find  he's 
making  some  of  the  people  at  the  Capitol  sit  up. 

CAPTAIN   HAWK 

We  came  on  from  Chicago  together.  It  was 
like  old  Drake  to  come  out  to  help  celebrate  Dan 
Riley's  election  to  succeed  me  in  the  House.  A 
fine  type  of  American,  is  Dan  Riley.  Did  Drake 
tell  you  they're  suggesting  me  for  the  Senate  ?  I 
don't  seem  to  see  my  way  clear,  though. 

The  old  colored  Messenger  comes  in  and  an- 
nounces Mr.  Drake. 

THE    GENERAL 

Bring  him  right  in. 

Drake  enters  and  shakes  hands  with  The 
General. 


138  STULTITIA 

THE    GENERAL 

How's  my  little  daughter? 

Oh,  fine.  She  and  Mrs.  Hawk  are  such  poli- 
ticians that  they  were  leaving  early  to  get  away 
from  the  silly  talk.  Of  course,  they  were  telling 
the  hostess  that  they  had  to  get  back  to  the  chil- 
dren. 

THE    GENERAL 

( To  Hawk)  How  does  your  wife  like  Wash- 
ington this  time  ? 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

She  still  takes  it  rather  hard.  The  machinery 
of  Government  looks  better  when  you're  not  near 
enough  to  hear  it  squeak.  She  never  got  over  her 
initiation  —  the  night  Drake  caught  old  Goldstein 
with  the  goods  and  I  caught  Caro.  It  depresses 
her.     She  came  here  an  optimist,  but  now  — 

MR.    DRAKE 

General,  things  are  not  very  serious  yet,  are 
they?     The  western  papers  didn't  say  much. 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 
But  what  are  you  all  lit  up  here  for?     That 
means  something,    always.     The   whole   side   of 


FOURTH    DISCUSSION  139 

the  War  Department's  lit  up,  every  window.  Do 
you  remember  the  night  I  was  finishing  up  your 
arguments  for  the  national  defense  bills? 

THE    GENERAL 

(Sadly)  I  do,  indeed.  (After  a  pause) 
Hawk,  do  you  think  you  did  right  to  leave  the 
House  of  Representatives? 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

Yes;  I  could  see  no  hope  —  now.  Later  it  may 
be  different.  I  have  been  talking  it  over  with 
Drake  and  I've  decided  to  put  my  entire  fortune 
into  a  campaign  of  education.  Drake's  going  to 
work  with  me.  We  can  see  no  hope  except  in 
attacking  the  national  diseases  at  the  root  —  in 
telling  the  truth  to  the  people  and  arousing  public 
opinion.  I  have  a  plan  in  mind  —  sort  of  a  pa- 
triotic league. 

THE  CLERK 
(Comes  from  the  room  beyond  and  approaches 
The  General.  He  speaks  to  him  in  a  low 
voice)  Telephone  from  the  White  House  that 
the  President  has  sent  out  an  urgent  call  for  a  cab- 
inet meeting  tonight. 


140  STULTITIA 

THE    GENERAL 

(Makes  a  low  whistle)  Anything  from  the 
State  Department  tonight? 

THE    CLERK 

No,  sir,  but  they're  now  deciphering  a  long  tele- 
gram. 

THE    GENERAL 

(After  a  brief  silence,  looking  very  gravely  at 
Hawk  and  Drake)  My  dear  boys,  the  situa- 
tion is  of  the  very  utmost  seriousness. 

Hawk  and  Drake  start. 

MR.    DRAKE 

Why,  General,  you  don't  mean  to  say  — 

Just  then  the  colored  Messenger  comes  in  and 
announces  Senator  Dormant,  Senator 
Rock,  Representative  Shuffler  and 
Senator  Hyhead.  The  General  rises 
and  shakes  hands  with  them  gravely.  The 
two  young  officers  offer  their  chairs  and  draw 
up  others.  The  Senators  seat  themselves 
about  the  desk  of  The  Chief  of  Staff. 
Drake  goes  over  and  sits  on  the  edge  of  the 
desk  at  which  Hawk  is  seated. 


FOURTH    DISCUSSION         141 

SENATOR   DORMANT 

Well,  well,  General.  You  look  tired.  All 
the  windows  lit  in  this  building's  making  folks 
talk.  There's  nothing  in  it,  is  there  —  except  that 
little  trouble  down  in  Colonia  ? 

SENATOR   ROCK 

{Pompously)  This  man  Drake  here  with  his 
editorials  is  largely  responsible  for  all  this  ex- 
citement. Why,  this  very  day  I  got  letters  from 
a  dozen  constituents  actually  asking  if  we  were 
prepared  for  war! 

SENATOR   DORMANT 

Prepared!  Well,  I  guess  nobody's  going  to 
monkey  with  Uncle  Sam.  Conolia !  Who  cares 
for  Conolia? 

MR.    DRAKE 

Colonia's  the  name  of  the  place,  Senator. 

SENATOR   ROCK 

Mr.  Drake,  I  thought  you  were  now  a  party 
man.  Why  don't  you  write  some  reassuring  edi- 
torials and  support  your  party?  {To  Senator 
Dormant)     Why,  there  was  an  awful  slump  on 


142  STULTITIA 

the  stock  exchange  today.     These  howlers'll  bring 
on  a  business  crash,  the  first  thing  we  know. 
He  looks  at  Drake. 

MR.    DRAKE 

Why  don't  I  support  my  party?  {Very  quietly 
and  slowly)  Because  I'd  rather  support  my 
country.  This  administration  had  no  mandate 
from  the  people  to  modify  our  diplomatic  poli- 
cies, nor  to  keep  us  a  helpless  babe  on  land  and 
sea.  Your  new  style  party's  a  makeshift  of  mi- 
nority groups  —  compromise  of  contending  preju- 
dices—  jealous  know-it-all  doctrinaires.  That's 
no  party.  Do  you  remember  the  "  Burgois  Gen- 
tilhomme  " —  the  story  of  the  man  who  suddenly 
got  rich  and  started  in  to  buy  an  education  —  and 
how  he  was  told  what  poetry  was  and  what  prose 
was,  and  was  so  tickled  foolish  to  find  he'd  been 
talking  prose  all  his  life  without  knowing  it? 
Well,  there's  your  get-power-quick  politician  — 
the  American  "  Burgois  Gentilhomme."  Not  the 
hard-shell  cynic  of  the  old  school;  oh,  no,  he'll 
soon  be  gone  forever,  I  hope.  But  it's  this  new 
transition  brand  —  part  high-brow,  part  hypo- 
crite, part  demagogue  —  discoverer  •  of  justice, 
patentee  of  honesty  —  sing  high,  sing  low  —  and  a 


FOURTH    DISCUSSION  143 

wink  at  the  gallery.  And  the  gallery  laps  it 
up  like  a  kitten!  Of  course  our  former  foreign 
policies  were  wrong.  Did  not  they  date  before 
the  new  dispensation?  It  would  be  too  horrible 
to  admit  that  they  could  be  just  or  honest.  You 
might  think  we'd  been  criminals  because  we 
worked  for  American  interest.  We  lacked  the 
higher  altruism.  This  is  beyond  me !  Who  will 
look  after  American  interests  if  not  the  American 
Government?  And  what  else  is  a  Government 
for?  And  see  what  our  deliverers  have  let  us  in 
for.  We're  on  a  rotten  bridge  of  opportunism 
between  the  rotten  old  and  a  new  era  of  real  men. 
I  suppose  it  was  decreed  that  America's  stirring 
conscience  should  first  be  ridden  thus.  It  can't 
last  long.  Oh,  the  attitudinizing  of  these  people 
makes  me  sick.  We  must  all  be  villains  to  make 
a  background  for  the  great  act  of  some  profes- 
sional Honest  Man.  Plain  men  wear  their  hon- 
esty as  they  wear  their  skins  —  unconsciously.  It 
remains  for  this  modern  type  of  genius  to  capi- 
talize it  —  and  strut,  an  Honest  Man, —  if  he  has 
to  blacken  everybody  else  to  keep  his  monopoly! 

SENATOR   ROCK 

The  stock  market  — 


144  STULTITIA 

MR.    DRAKE 

To  hell  with  the  stock  market ! 

SENATOR    HYHEAD 

But,  General,  you  are  prepared,  I  suppose,  if 
anything  serious  should  happen? 

SENATOR   ROCK 

When  you  place  the  order  for  those  new  field 
guns  we  appropriated  for  at  the  last  session,  I 
want  you  to  give  a  good  share  to  that  company 
out  in  my  state.  You  remember,  I  spoke  to  you 
about  it. 

THE   GENERAL 

(Nods  to  Senator  Rock.  To  Senator  Hy- 
head,  speaking  very  quietly  and  distinctly)  No, 
Senator,  neither  the  army  nor  the  navy  is  in  the 
least  prepared  for  war. 

MR.    SHUFFLER 

What!  That's  a  pretty  situation.  Well,  how 
long  will  it  take  you  to  get  ready,  then?  (A 
pause)  But,  look  here,  man  to  man,  this  war 
business  is  all  nonsense.  You  fellows  always  start 
something  to  try  to  put  over  your  appropriations. 


FOURTH    DISCUSSION  145 

(He  laughs  knowingly)  Why,  I  remember  three 
or  four  years  ago —  (turning  to  the  Senators) 
This  talk  unsettles  the  country.  Why,  if  the  peo- 
ple get  the  notion  that  we  had  to  eat  dirt  on  the 
Monroe  Doctrine  the  party'd  go  out  and  stay  out 
for  a  hundred  years.  The  President  ought  to  is- 
sue a  reassuring  statement. 

A  pause. 

THE    GENERAL 

(With  his  eyebrows  raised  and  very  drily)  Mr. 
Shuffler,  I  believe  you  asked  me  how  long  it  would 
take  this  Government  to  be  prepared  for  war.  I 
mean  real  war. 

MR.    SHUFFLER 

Yes,  how  long  would  it? 

A  pause 

THE    GENERAL 

(Thoughtfully)  If  all  the  measures  of  na- 
tional defense  had  been  passed  by  Congress  as 
recommended  by  the  last  administration  just  three 
and  one-half  years  ago  —  let's  see,  we  allowed  in 
the  bills  for  rush  work  —  yes,  we  should  be  ready 
today. 


146  STULTITIA 

MR.    SHUFFLER 

But,  General,  what  we  want  to  know  is,  how 
long  will  it  take  now? 

THE  GENERAL 
{After  a  pause  and  glancing  up  at  the  ceiling) 
Precisely  three  and  one-half  years.  You  see  we 
should  have  had  the  battleships  and  our  merchant 
marine  for  transports  and  naval  reserve.  We 
should  have  had  a  well-trained  militia  and  then  — 
(to  Drake)  Mr.  Drake,  the  conventions  for  the 
railroad  to  Panama  and  the  loan  to  clean  up  Co- 
lonia  needed  nothing  but  ratification  by  the  Sen- 
ate, did  they? 

MR.    DRAKE 

Oh,  no,  that's  all. 

SENATOR    HYHEAD 

But,  General,  this  is  most  extraordinary.     My 
constituents  — 

SENATOR   DORMANT 

Now  the  peace  movement  — 

The  Senators  exchange  words  in  a  low  tone 
and  Senator  Rock  leans  over  to  say  some- 


FOURTH    DISCUSSION         147 

thing  privately  to  Senator  Dormant.  The 
door  opens  and  a  man  about  forty,  in  an  over- 
coat with  his  hat  in  his  hand,  rushes  in,  evi- 
dently under  great  excitement.  He  pauses 
a  moment  and  glances  about,  taken  aback  at 
seeing  so  many  people  in  the  room. 

THE    GENERAL 

(Rising)  Good  evening.  (They  shake 
hands)  Senators,  this  gentleman  occupies  the 
post  our  friend  Drake  used  to  have  in  the  State 
Department,  head  of  the  Political  Bureau.  Mr. 
Harrison. 

MR.    HARRISON 

(He  bows  very  hurriedly  to  the  Senators  with- 
out shaking  hands,  and  says  to  The  General) 
Would  you  mind  coming  over  here  a  moment? 
He  leads  him  to  one  side  and  hands  him  a  large 
sheet  of  paper.     The  General  reads  it,  his 
hand  trembling  slightly. 

MR.    HARRISON 

The  President  has  it  already.  I  thought  you 
ought  to  know.  I'm  just  on  my  way  to  the  White 
House. 

He  hurries  out. 


148  STULTITIA 

SENATOR    DORMANT 

Who's  this  man  Harrison? 

MR.    DRAKE 

Oh,  he's  a  nice  fellow, —  a  particular  friend  of 
your  great  statesman.  He  used  to  be  a  doctor. 
You  see  when  a  man's  all  things  to  all  men  him- 
self, he  naturally  thinks  all  men  are  adapted  to 
all  things.  So  he  calls  in  a  doctor  for  his  diplo- 
macy. To  even  up,  I  trust  he  calls  in  a  diploma- 
tist when  he's  sick.  All  the  old  gang  of  profes- 
sionals who  used  to  work  like  niggers  day  and 
night  when  we  had  foreign  policies  have  been 
fired.  He's  put  in  a  lot  of  political  friends.  He 
couldn't  have  a  decent  policy  because  the  wise 
ones  were  taboo,  you  see,  because  we'd  evolved 
them.  If  I  was  a  little  meaner  I'd  think  they 
wanted  to  get  the  country  into  trouble  to  muddy 
the  water  for  political  advantage.  I  couldn't 
think  that;  but  I  wish  to  hell  the  politicians  who 
drifted  us  into  this  war  could  be  the  ones  killed 
in  it.  There'd  be  some  sense  and  justice  in  that, 
anyhow. 

The  telephone  on  the  desk  where  Hawk  is 
seated  rings  violently.  A  young  officer  goes 
and  answers. 


FOURTH    DISCUSSION  149 

YOUNG    OFFICER 

The  White  House,  General.     It's  for  you. 

THE    GENERAL 

{Reaches  for  the  telephone  on  his  desk) 
Hello  —  Oh,  good  evening,  Mr.  President. 
(The  General  instinctively  bows  as  he  speaks 
through  the  telephone.  Everyone  in  the  room  is 
silent  and  intently  watching  General  Middle- 
ton)  Tomorrow  morning?  —  Then  it  will  be 
out  in  the  afternoon  papers?  —  Yes,  to  Tampa, 
Guantanamo  ■ —  Yes,  a  divisional  commander, 
General  Murray  is  the  man  —  Yes,  I'll  see  the 
Secretary  of  the  Navy  tonight  —  Very  well,  Mr. 
President,  I'll  come  over  there  in  an  hour.  Good- 
bye, Sir. 

The  three  Senators  and  Representative 
Shuffler  look  taken  aback  and  lean  for- 
ward eagerly. 

SENATOR   DORMANT 

Well?     Well?     What's  this? 

SENATOR   ROCK 

Why,  you  don't  mean  there's  trouble  really  com- 
ing? 


150  STULTITIA 

MR.    SHUFFLER 

Now,  the  feeling  in  the  West  — 

Drake  and  Hawk  have  been  watching  the 
Senators  with  a  rather  cynical  expression. 
General  Middleton  rises  and  walks  quietly 
over  to  where  Drake  and  Hawk  are  sit- 
ting. He  looks  older  and  more  broken  and 
his  gait  is  heavy.  He  draws  the  paper  from 
his  pocket  and  shows  it  to  Drake,  who  takes 
it.      They  read. 

SENATOR   ROCK 

What's  up? 

SENATOR    DORMANT 

General,  if  there's  anything  going  on,  we  insist 
upon  knowing  it.     The  dignity  of  the  Senate  — 

THE    GENERAL 

{Who  is  standing  near  Drake  and  Hawk) 
Gentlemen,  Mr.  Drake  is  my  son-in-law,  Captain 
Hawk  was  for  years  my  military  secretary.  This 
is  a  matter  of  personal  privilege.  In  regard  to 
diplomatic  affairs  I  must  refer  you  to  the  Presi- 
dent or  to  the  Department  of  State.  It  is  the 
wish  of  the  President  that  this  matter  remain  con- 


FOURTH    DISCUSSION  151 

fidential  until  the  President's  message  is  read  in 
both  houses  of  Congress  tomorrow  at  noon. 
Now,  if  you'll  excuse  me  I'll  have  to  issue  some 
orders. 

The  SENATORS  rise,  looking  rather  dazed. 

SENATOR    ROCK 

Well,  this  is  a  pretty  situation. 
v 

SENATOR   DORMANT 

( Turning  to  The  General)  Now,  what's  the 
sense  of  your  getting  us  into  trouble  over  Colonia  ? 
Why  all  those  little  South  American  republics 
don't  amount  to  shucks.  Let  'em  fight  it  out. 
We've  got  the  Monroe  Doctrine.  If  you've  got 
some  question  with  Europe,  why  there's  arbitra- 
tion. Now  Doctor  Harmony  was  telling  me 
about  this  peace  movement.  Somebody  must  have 
blundered.  The  idea  of  our  getting  into  trouble 
over  Colonia.  I  doubt  very  much  whether  Con- 
gress can  support  you  on  this  question. 

THE   GENERAL 

{Draws  himself  up  to  his  full  height,  standing 
behind  his  desk)  Senator  Dormant,  there  is  no 
question.     The  Monroe  Doctrine  is  squarely  chal- 


152  STULTITIA 

lenged.  Whatever  you  may  think  of  Colonia,  the 
honor  of  America  is  involved.  There  is  no  ques- 
tion of  arbitration.  This  is  a  case  for  shot  and 
shell  and  not  Doctor  Harmony. 

SENATOR   DORMANT 

I  don't  believe  it.  It's  one  of  those  little  South 
American  rumpusses.  Why  if  Europe, —  that's 
another  question.  (Raising  his  stick  and  bang- 
ing it  down)  I've  always  believed  in  enforcing 
the  Monroe  Doctrine  up  to  the  hilt ! 

SENATOR    ROCK 

Oh,  come  on,  Senator,  there's  an  election  com- 
ing.    War  talk's  popular,  you  know. 
They  go  out. 

Drake  and  Hawk  walk  rapidly  up  to  The 
General  as  he  seats  himself  behind  his  desk. 

MR.    DRAKE 
This  is  horrible. 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

Are  we  in  the  way?  Have  you  any  orders  to 
issue? 


FOURTH    DISCUSSION  153 

THE    GENERAL 

No,  I'd  like  your  company.  What  little  I  can 
do  is  all  prepared.  I've  only  a  few  telegrams  to 
send.  I  saw  this  coming.  {Almost  sobbing) 
Merciful  God,  there  is  little  enough  I  can  do. 
{He  clears  his  throat  loudly)  Captain  Jeffries, 
give  me  those  telegrams. 

Captain  Jeffries  goes  to  a  safe  against  the 
wall,  undoes  the  combination  and  brings 
about  twenty-five  telegrams  all  written  out. 
He  lays  them  in  front  of  The  General  and 
blots  them  as  The  General  signs.  Mean- 
while Hawk  has  lit  a  cigarette  and  begins 
pacing  nervously  up  and  down  the  room,  his 
hands  deep  in  his  pockets  and  his  shoulders 
elevated.  Drake  still  sits  at  the  desk.  He 
also  lights  a  cigarette  and  his  eye  follows 
Hawk  up  and  down.  The  Young  Officer 
rings  a  bell,  whereat  the  Clerk  appears. 
He  hands  the  telegrams  to  the  Clerk. 

YOUNG    OFFICER 

Send  these.     Give  those   to  Tampa   and   San 
Antonio  right  of  way.     Only  about  half  of  them 


154  STULTITIA 

are  enciphered.     No,  let  the  enciphered  ones  go 
on  the  wire  first. 

The  Clerk  hurries  out. 

THE    GENERAL 
{Wagging   his   head  and  spreading   his   arms 
with  a  gesture)      That's  all  I  can  do. 

MR.    DRAKE 

Dear  old  father-in-law,  it's  not  your  fault,  you 
must  brace  up  and  keep  well.  You're  needed. 
{After  a  pause  and  in  a  voice  of  sarcastic  bitter- 
ness with  an  affectation  of  levity)  How  very  in- 
teresting it  is  to  remember  that  not  four  years 
ago  I  carefully  explained  to  that  Senate  Commit- 
tee that  we  had  the  biggest  sphere  of  influence 
on  earth  through  the  Monroe  Doctrine ;  that  Co- 
lonia  was  a  vital  point;  that  with  the  convention 
we  could  put  it  out  of  danger.  Then  if  we'd  bit 
off  more  than  we  could  chew  we  could  chuck  the 
Monroe  Doctrine  south  of  the  Isthmus. 

THE    GENERAL 

{Sternly)  It  humiliates  me  as  a'n  American 
that  this  country  should  talk  big  about  the  open 
door  in  China  and  the  Monroe  Doctrine  and  de- 


FOURTH    DISCUSSION  155 

liberately  invite  humiliation  by  not  being  prepared 
for  war.  No  self-respecting  country  should  have 
pretensions  it  cannot  back  up.  No  one  but  a  fool 
would  believe  that  our  foxy  friends  in  Europe, 
who  all  hate  us,  took  any  stock  in  this  peace  talk 
or  could  keep  their  envious  eyes  off  the  whole 
American  continent. 

MR.  DRAKE 
(In  the  same  tone  as  before)  Possibly  the 
most  interesting  point  of  all  is  that  at  that  time 
I  carefully  explained,  under  instructions  from  the 
President,  that  it  was  highly  probable  that  within 
four  years  the  much-advertised  European  duel 
would  come  off.  It  was  perfectly  plain  that  the 
victor  would  command  the  seas  of  the  earth  and 
would  think  Central  America  should  be  rescued 
from  its  condition  of  unexploited  turmoil  and  ar- 
rested development.  It  was  explained  with  equal 
clearness  that  the  alternative  of  this  was  an  al- 
liance of  the  two  Powers,  ostensibly  in  the  inter- 
ests of  peace,  but  really  to  show  that  the  earth 
belongs  to  the  lions  and  eagles  and  not  to  the  tur- 
keys. It  was  for  Congress  to  choose  whether  the 
American  emblem  should  be  an  eagle  or  a  turkey. 


156  STULTITIA 

THE    GENERAL 

A  pretty  easy  prophecy,  John,  but  nobody 
would  believe  it.  Well,  Hawk,  I'll  begin  giving 
out  commissions  tomorrow.  Even  young  Barney 
will  stand  a  show  now.  I  suppose  you're  going 
back?  I'll  put  you  in  the  13th  cavalry.  {Laugh- 
ing sarcastically)  It's  a  long  ride  to  the  Panama 
Canal. 

Hawk  faces  about  flushed. 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

When  I  was  a  little  boy,  I  was  sure  that  Amer- 
ica was  everything  that  was  fine  and  noble.  I 
was  brought  up  on  the  idea  that  we  were  a  nation 
of  sturdy  idealists,  high-minded,  but  practical;  free 
from  cant;  a  happy  family  living  together  for 
the  greatest  good  of  the  greatest  number.  We 
were  a  nation  with  a  soul.  We  worked  for  those 
ideals.  My  great-great-grandfather  died  in  the 
Revolution,  fighting  for  those  ideals.  {With  a 
nervous  laugh)  You  remember,  General,  that's 
his  sword  over  there.  {Pointing  to  the  crossed 
swords  on  the  wall)  We  faced  the  world's  great- 
est empire,  and  triumphed  for  our  free  represen- 
tative democracy.  My  father  carried  that  other 
sword  at  Shiloh  when  he  lost  his  arm,  again  fight- 


FOURTH    DISCUSSION  157 

ing  for  our  ideal  of  a  united  happy  nation  under 
free  institutions.  Where  is  the  patriotism  of  the 
fathers,  calm  and  self-contained?  No  blatant 
scream  of  the  eagle.  "  Aim  low,  wait  till  you  see 
the  whites  of  their  eyes."  Patriotism!  Look  at 
the  press.  Look  at  the  politician  riding  his  hobby 
intent  on  his  own  fame.  They  don't  even  give 
their  own  Government  the  benefit  of  the  doubt. 
Partisanship  eclipses  patriotism.  They  argue  the 
foreigner's  case.  ( Turning  to  Drake  and  ges- 
ticulating in  a  pleading  manner)  Why,  I  grew 
up  with  the  idea  that  American  civilization,  Amer- 
ican free  representative  government,  and  the  noble 
soul  of  America  would  be  a  magnet  of  irresistible 
force.  When  Rome  was  great,  to  become  part 
of  the  Roman  Empire  was  an  honor  sought  by 
neighboring  states.  So,  I  thought,  one  day  the 
struggling  republics  at  our  door,  schooled  by  our 
influence  to  better  citizenship,  would  be  made 
worthy  and  would  come  begging  for  admission 
to  our  glorious  Union.  (Hawk  is  evidently  lost 
in  abstraction  and  moves  about  the  room  ges- 
ticulating, self-absorbed  and  looking  straight  be- 
fore him.  He  laughs  bitterly)  And  what  do  I 
find?  A  mob  divided  by  a  thousand  selfish  in- 
terests.    A    nation    of    ninety    millions?     Bah! 


158  STULTITIA 

And  the  literacy  test  is  gravely  discussed,  as  if 
reading  gave  a  man  a  soul!  Do  we  send  our 
agents  abroad  to  look  at  the  character  of  immi- 
grants; to  make  fitness,  as  shown  by  honest  toil, 
the  test?  Do  we  take  advantage  of  the  laws  of 
nature  that  the  best  men  to  join  our  nation  are 
those  now  getting  the  best  wages?  Oh,  no.  Be 
degenerates,  be  defectives.  Only  read.  Educa- 
tion in  a  wicked  mind;  firearms  in  wicked  hands; 
money  in  the  pockets  of  the  foolish,  the  frivolous, 
the  selfish.  These  are  our  many  dangers.  The 
jealousy  of  the  churches  banishes  religion  from 
our  schools.  We  need  no  God.  Do  we  need  no 
ethics?  The  Chinese  have  at  least  Confucius. 
We  educate  the  mind.  We  pretend  to  believe  in 
the  soul,  but  what  do  we  do  for  it?  We  have 
pure  food  laws  for  the  body.  Our  press  is  free 
to  poison  the  soul  day  after  day.  Yet  we  pretend 
to  believe  in  the  soul, —  canting  nonsense.  The 
farmer  selects  the  seed  for  his  wheat.  We  raise 
wonderful  hogs.  We  gain  millions  in  money. 
Three  or  four  little  citizens  are  born  to  our  great 
European  rivals  for  one  American  of  the  old 
American  stock.  Our  birth  rate  is  falling.  We 
blame  it  on  the  women.  Do  they  prefer  feathers 
and  silks  to   the  motherhood  of  good  citizens? 


FOURTH    DISCUSSION  159 

Money !  Money  !  Money  to  squander  the  health 
of  those  who  should  be  the  fathers  of  a  noble 
race.  We  spurn  happiness  and  choose  the  pleas- 
ure of  a  day.  What  do  we  do  for  the  soul?  Is 
money  our  God?  Money  is  international. 
Money  knows  no  country.  Like  master,  like  man. 
If  money's  his  God  the  citizen,  too,  becomes  hard, 
and  the  duties  of  citizenship  become  the  mere  har- 
lots of  self-interest.  We  abolish  the  canteen. 
We're  prohibitionists.  We'll  become  righteous 
by  legislation.  We'll  found  societies  for  right- 
eousness. Senator  Hyhead  will  cure  the  neglect 
of  the  barest  functions  of  loyal  citizenship  by 
doubling  the  duties  with  his  precious  referendums 
and  isms.  All  this  talk  is  so  much  easier  than  a 
little  self-control  and  individual  effort  and  sincer- 
ity. Our  strongest  citizens  cry  to  the  national 
conscience  till  it  wakes  and  will  heed  them.  Then 
they  poison  us  with  the  lessons  of  casuistry  and  de- 
base our  ideals  of  truth,  make  us  cynics.  What 
a  spectacle.  The  reformers  howl.  We  examine 
them  and  find  them,  in  the  name  of  the  people's 
rule,  only  urging  their  favorite  upon  us.  Co- 
operation, the  magic  of  business  efficiency.  Do 
we  find  it  in  our  Government?  Oh,  no.  In  pub- 
lic affairs  you  find  no  patriotic  trust.     Here's  the 


160  STULTITIA 

beauty  of  competition.  Do  you  find  the  bravest 
and  the  most  intelligent  and  most  just  working 
together  forgetting  themselves  in  a  solemn  effort 
to  make  good  laws?  No  {very  sarcastically)  it 
is  not  what  shall  we  do,  it  is  only  who  shall  do  it. 
We're  to  live  or  die  by  the  election  of  Congress- 
man Smith,  or  Senator  Jones,  or  President  Brown. 
It  is  personalities  not  principles.  It  is  not  what 
is  good  for  the  people,  it's  the  party's  interest. 
If  the  key  to  Heaven  were  discovered  by  one  party 
the  opposition  would  throw  it  in  the  sea  as  the 
key  to  hell.  I  know.  I've  been  in  Congress.  I 
was  a  sore-head.  I  ventured  to  criticize,  to  aspire 
to  better  things.  {With  a  bitter  laugh)  To 
criticize  is  considered  unpatriotic,  though  patri- 
otic criticism  is  the  key  to  national  progress.  If 
I'd  criticized  as  a  partisan,  I  should  have  been 
lauded  as  a  good  party  man.  I  criticized  as  a 
patriot,  and  was  jeered  as  a  dreamer.  They 
dared  to  call  me  unpatriotic.  The  correct  thing 
is  to  say,  "  All's  well  " ;  to  say  "  We  can  lick  crea- 
tion,"—  to  say  it  again  till  we  believe  it  and  to  go 
blindly  on.  Reading?  Study?  No,  we're  too 
busy  in  the  chase  for  money.  We've  no  time. 
We  must  be  quick  with  our  half-baked  ideas  to 
outstrip  the  opposition;  to  get  the  credit.     We 


FOURTH    DISCUSSION  161 

can't  stop  to  be  thorough.  A  sudden  sensation; 
a  popular  cry;  a  makeshift;  a  compromise.  We're 
too  clever  to  study  the  past.  History  is  reaction- 
ary. Intuition,  luck,  the  mercy  of  God.  And  the 
cries  like  hounds  on  a  trail.  Once  they're  off 
what  does  it  matter?  The  big  trusts  and  all  the 
little  grocery  men  with  their  combinations  and 
cartels  sucking  the  blood  of  their  neighbors; 
cheering  the  fight  on  their  cleverer  brothers,  hop- 
ing to  hide  themselves.  And  peace  fiends  and 
faddists.  (He  laughs  an  unnatural  laugh)  And 
we're  supposed  to  have  a  sense  of  humor.  Look 
at  them.  Each  with  his  own  idea.  Humor? 
Horse  play!  Not  even  sense  of  the  ridiculous. 
Humor  is  sense  of  proportion.  (Putting  his 
hands  to  his  head)  My  God,  this  is  too  ridicu- 
lous !  And  think  of  Stone  and  the  labor  organiza- 
tions being  taught  class  hatred;  taught  that  we're 
aristocrats.  Look  at  Senator  Rock,  a  poor  boy, 
a  laborer,  grows  rich  and  grinds  down  his  fellow 
laborers.  They  point  to  him  as  the  aristocrat. 
I'm  a  plain  American.  I  like  gentlemen  whether 
they  can  read  or  not.  I've  no  thought  for  our 
country  that  I  would  not  share  with  any  honest 
American  day  laborer  and  be  sure  of  his  sym- 
pathy.     I  believe  in  fair  play  and  the  equality  of 


162  STULTITIA 

honorable  truthful  people  who  are  not  hogs  or 
tricksters.  And  they  try  to  put  me  in  an  aris- 
tocracy of  money  as  if  I  couldn't  have  money  and 
have  an  idea  above  money.  {IF ringing  his 
hands)  Oh,  where's  the  America  I  believed  in? 
Where  are  we  drifting?  And  now  a  national 
humiliation,  a  sure  defeat  in  war.  Think  of  the 
fine  soldiers  and  sailors,  good  Americans  all,  that 
are  going  to  die  for  nothing  but  sure  defeat.  Oh, 
the  blindness  !     Oh,  how  horrible  ! 

He  wrings  his  hands  and  has  an  almost  hys- 
terical manner. 

The  General  and  Drake,  who  have  been  lis- 
tening with  intense  and  disturbed  attention, 
both  get  up  and  put  their  arms  on  his  shoul- 
ders, The  General  in  a  fatherly  manner. 

MR.    DRAKE 

{Taking  his  hand)      Look  here,  old  man,  you 
can't  run  on  like  this. 

THE    GENERAL 

You'll  feel  better,  my  boy,  when  you  get  in  a 
uniform  and  start  for  the  front. 


FOURTH    DISCUSSION  163 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

{Pulling  himself  together  and  clearing  his 
throat,  in  a  dreamy  manner)      Oh,  to  the  front. 

THE    GENERAL 

Yes,  I'll  get  you  appointed  tomorrow  a  Cap- 
tain in  the  13th  Cavalry.  As  a  former  officer, 
you'll  be  promoted  right  away. 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

{Abstractedly)      To  the  front. 

He  laughs  nervously,  throws  himself  in  a  chair, 
fumbles  for  his  cigarette  case  and  lights  a 
cigarette.  Drake  and  The  General 
stand  side  by  side  at  his  right.  Hawk  puffs 
the  cigarette  awhile  in  silence. 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

I've  seen  how  things  are  done.  I've  been  two 
years  in  Congress.  In  a  generation  —  let  me  see 
—  I  can  put  in  about  forty  million  dollars.  My 
wife  and  I  like  to  live  simply.  That  will  leave 
us  enough.  With  a  string  of  newspapers  and 
some  magazines  and  an  organization  extending 
into  every  State,  town  and  ward  and  getting  some 


164  STULTITIA 

other  fools  like  us  to  join,  we  can  get  the  nation's 
interests  understood  and  lay  the  foundation  for 
making  this  a  real  nation  and  a  happy  family. 
Then  there'll  be  something  worth  while. 

MR.    DRAKE 

{Assuming  an  air  of  optimism)  Oh,  cheer  up, 
old  man,  I'll  be  with  you  in  the  work;  but  you're 
in  a  horrible  state  of  mind. 

THE    GENERAL 
What  about  that  commission  in  the   13th  Cav- 
alry? 

CAPTAIN  HAWK 
{Wearily)  To  fight  for  what?  {Speaking 
rapidly)  I'm  perfectly  willing  to  go  down  there 
and  get  shot.  We're  accustomed  to  it  in  my  fam- 
ily. But  theirs  represented  something.  They 
fought  for  a  logical  reason,  for  a  holy  cause. 
{More  vehemently  and  rising  and  resuming  walk- 
ing up  and  down)  What  do  you  want  me  to  fight 
for?  Am  I  fighting  for  the  pride  of  the  most  dis- 
graceful criminal  statistics  a  nation  ever  had  ?  Am 
I  fighting  for  the  half-baked  immigrants  who  can 
read  and  nothing  else,  for  the  Caros  and  Gold- 
steins?    Is  it  for  the  international  bankers,  or  the 


FOURTH    DISCUSSION  165 

big  trusts  or  the  little  trusts  ?  Am  I  fighting  for 
the  people  at  Mrs.  Barney's  dinner,  who  draw 
nothing  but  their  incomes  from  the  sacred  soil  of 
our  country?  Am  I  fighting  for  Senator  Hyhead, 
who  snaps  his  fingers  at  the  constitutional  repre- 
sentative government  of  our  forefathers?  What 
on  earth  am  I  fighting  for?  For  the  selfishness  of 
Senator  Rock's  capitalists  or  Mr.  Stone's  labor 
organizations?  Am  I  fighting  for  national  inco- 
herency,  for  a  mob  drunk  with  wealth,  absorbed  in 
money  grubbing;  for  a  lot  of  faddists  who  think 
in  segments  when  great  national  questions  are  at 
issue?  Am  I  fighting  for  somebody's  re-election? 
My  God,  I'd  like  to  know  what  I  am  fighting  for ! 
Toward  the  end  of  this  outburst,  Drake  has 
gone  over  and  sat  down  at  the  end  of  The 
General's  desk  facing  Hawk. 

MR.    DRAKE 

{Very  quietly)  Old  man,  the  new  generation 
has  got  to  atone  for  the  sins  of  the  old.  America 
is  passing  through  a  crisis. 

Meanwhile  The  General  walks  over  beyond 
his  desk  halfway  between  it  and  the  wall 
where  the  crossed  swords  hang  under  the  por- 
traits of  Washington  and  Lincoln. 


166  STULTITIA 

THE    GENERAL 

{Taking  out  his  watch)      Hawk,  I've  got  to  go 
over  to  the  cabinet  meeting  now. 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 
(Still  looking   down   and  self-absorbed)      All 
right,  we'll  go  home.     Come  on,  Drake. 

The  General  walks  over  and  takes  down  the 
newer  of  the  two  crossed  swords  and  clears 
his  throat.  He  then  goes  over  to  Hawk, 
examining  the  sword. 

THE  GENERAL 
(In  a  perfectly  matter-of-fact  voice)  The  de- 
sign of  sabres  has  not  changed  much  since  the  Civil 
War.  You'd  better  take  this  one.  (Musingly) 
Your  father  was  a  great  cavalry-man.  Well, 
good-night.  (Holding  out  the  sword)  Come 
down  at  ten  in  the  morning  and  I'll  give  you  your 
commission  in  the  13th  Cavalry. 

CAPTAIN    HAWK 

(Taking  the  sword,  in  a  natural  voice)      Very 
well,  sir.     Good  night. 

Drake  shakes  The  General's  hand  and  looks 
into  his  eyes  for  a  moment.      Then  he  throws 


FOURTH    DISCUSSION         167 

one  arm  around  Hawk's  shoulders  and  the 
other  around  The  General's,  and  they 
stand  in  a  group  with  their  heads  together, 
their  shoulders  shaken  with  sobs. 

»  Curtain 


Scene  II 

The  curtain  has  been  lowered  to  indicate  the  pas- 
sage of  six  months.  The  scene  is  in  the  office 
of  The  Chief  of  Staff  precisely  the  same  as 
in  the  previous  scene  except  that  it  is  a  summer 
evening;  there  is  no  noise  of  typewriters,  the 
door  into  the  outer  office  being  closed;  and 
through  the  windows  are  seen  the  trees  of  the 
White  Lot  and  the  Washington  monument 
bathed  in  the  amber  light  of  the  setting  sun. 
Senator  Dormant,  Senator  Rock,  Senator 
Hyhead  and  Representative  Shuffler  are 
seated  in  conference  with  General  Middle- 
ton,  who  looks  shockingly  aged  and  worn. 
His  visitors  all  show  the  aging  efects  of  care 
and  strain  and  sorrow. 


168  STULTITIA 

SENATOR   ROCK 
{In    a    distressed    voice)      What    a    horrible 
thing  the  blowing  up  of  that  battleship  in  the  steel 
strike  was. 

SENATOR   DORMANT 

Just  as  it  was  nearly  completed  too.  That  sets 
us  back  some  more. 

SENATOR   HYHEAD 
Well,   Senator,   this   comes   of  you   capitalists 
holding  out  against  the  great  popular  movement. 

SENATOR   DORMANT 

I'm  tired  of  hearing  about  your  great  popular 
movement.  What  did  your  party  ever  do?  Rain- 
bow promises;  the  latest  novelties  in  government. 
You  made  a  lot  of  theorists  and  socialists,  that's 
about  all.  What  we  want  is  a  party  that  will 
make  patriotic  citizens,  not  old  fools  like  we've 
been. 

MR.    SHUFFLER 

The  Senator's  right.  I  detect  in  the  West  a 
great  reaction  in  favor  of  the  old  representative 
institutions.  Politics  will  never  be  the  same 
again. 


FOURTH    DISCUSSION  169 

SENATOR   ROCK 

I  was  the  worst  of  all.  My  eyes  are  opened 
now.  {With  a  bitter  laugh)  I  remember  so  well 
one  night  at  the  White  House  three  or  four  years 
ago  the  President  was  telling  me, —  heigh-ho, 
that's  spilt  milk.  We  ought  to  have  worked  for 
industrial  peace.  I  know  Stone  the  labor  leader 
feels  the  same.  We  used  to  hate  each  other  like 
poison,  but  now  we're  going  to  talk  things  over 
and  try  to  get  together.  There've  been  too  many 
Caros;  and  capital  hating  labor  and  labor  hating 
capital.  That's  been  the  trouble.  There're  al- 
ready about  a  hundred  thousand  laboring  men 
and  their  families  being  fed  at  soup  kitchens  main- 
tained by  wicked  trust  magnates.  This  calamity 
brings  agony  enough  to  citizens  of  every  station. 
May  it  bring  the  love  that  comes  to  comrades  in 
affliction !  Now  human  relations  between  em- 
ployer and  employed  and  a  good  immigration 
law  — 

MR.    SHUFFLER 

Humph!  None  of  us  will  have  any  more  law 
making  to  do. 


170  STULTITIA 

SENATOR   DORMANT 

No,  I  reckon  this  peace  treaty'll  be  about  the 
last  act  of  our  official  life.  {Taking  out  his 
watch)      Drake  ought  to  be  here  by  now. 

THE    GENERAL 

He'll  be  in  any  minute.  He's  getting  his  final 
instructions  from  the  Secretary  of  State.  He 
starts  for  New  Orleans  tonight. 

SENATOR   DORMANT 

Funny  how  this  war's  changed  people.  Think 
of  old  Doctor  Harmony  trying  to  raise  a  regi- 
ment.    He  got  enough  of  "  peace  as  she  is  spoke." 

SENATOR   ROCK 

And  Mrs.  Evangelina  Tinker  at  the  front  with 
the  Red  Cross.  Do  you  remember  the  talking 
to  she  gave  you  that  morning,  General? 

Drake  enters  briskly  with  a  despatch  box  in  his 
hand.  He  is  evidently  dressed  for  travel- 
ing. He  shakes  hands  gravely  with  the  SEN- 
ATORS and  Representative,  and  greets  The 
General,  next  to  whom  he  takes  a  seat. 


FOURTH    DISCUSSION  171 

MR.    DRAKE 

Well,  General,  the  talk  is  that  the  price  of  their 
not  bombarding  New  York  is  to  be  the  biggest 
war  indemnity  any  country  ever  paid.  Cheerful, 
isn't  it,  on  top  of  their  keeping  the  Canal  and 
everything  else  we  had  lying  around  loose?  It's 
a  pleasant  mission  you've  given  me,  gentlemen. 

SENATOR   DORMANT 

(Sadly)  I  wish  we'd  listened  to  you,  Drake! 
And  I  wish  we'd  sent  you  to  that  embassy.  You 
understood  the  situation  so  well  that  you  might 
have  done  something  to  save  the  country  from 
all  this. 

MR.    DRAKE 

Oh,  I  don't  know.  Anyhow,  now  we've  got  to 
make  the  best  of  it,  but  you  can't  expect  me  to 
bring  back  a  very  pleasant  treaty  for  you  sen- 
ators to  ratify.  They've  got  us  —  absolutely  got 
us.  .With  their  ships  up  the  river  they  can  even 
keep  us  out  of  New  Orleans.  It's  rather  rub- 
bing it  in  to  insist  on  negotiating  on  American  soil, 
I  must  say.  (To  The  General)  General,  the 
military  situation  wTill  have  a  lot  to  do  with  these 
negotiations.     You  must  keep  right  on  enlisting 


172  STULTITIA 

and  drilling  volunteers.  Even  if  we  have  been 
entirely  driven  off  the  sea,  with  a  million  men  or 
so  on  our  frontiers  we  can  give  Europe  something 
to  think  about.  {To  the  Senators)  Then, 
when  they  know  that  you've  appropriated  for  ten 
battleships  and  are  going  to  keep  right  on  build- 
ing, it  may  occur  to  them  that  it's  wiser  not  to 
humiliate  us  too  far  with  this  treaty.  My  great 
fear  is  they'll  try  to  exact  a  stipulation  that  we 
shall  build  no  navy  for  a  term  of  years.  If  they 
try  that,  the  President  ought  to  tell  them  to  blow 
up  New  York  and  be  damned  first.  If  the  Presi- 
dent will  stand  for  our  agreeing  to  have  no  navy, 
he'll  have  to  get  some  one  else  to  negotiate  for 
him. 

SENATOR   DORMANT 

{Banging  the  floor  with  his  stick)  If  it  takes 
every  man  and  every  dollar  in  this  country,  we've 
got  to  re-establish  the  Monroe  Doctrine  and  en- 
force it  up  to  the  hilt. 

Drake  smiles. 

SENATOR    HYHEAD 

How  are  we  going  to  get  the  money?  How 
much  taxation  do  you  think  the  people  will  bear? 
Now  if  we  had  the  referendum  — 


FOURTH    DISCUSSION  173 

MR.    SHUFFLER 

The  people  out  my  way  don't  care  any  more 
about  your  referendums  and  all  those  new-fangled 
cure-alls.  They  want  people  who  will  represent 
them.  They  want  men  of  courage  who  will  take 
their  ears  off  the  ground  long  enough  to  do  some 
thinking  and  acting.  The  people  don't  want  to 
hire  representatives  and  then  have  to  do  all  the 
work  themselves.     That  fad's  exploded. 

SENATOR   ROCK 

We'll  have  to  raise  the  taxes  to  the  skies.  I 
hear  Goldstein's  European  friends  won't  let  him 
float  an  American  loan.  They  threaten  to  flood 
the  markets  of  the  world  with  American  securi- 
ties and  make  everything  we  have  dirt  cheap  and 
a  panic. 

THE    GENERAL 

I'm  no  banker,  gentlemen,  but  if  I  know  the 
American  people  they'll  stand  for  the  highest 
taxes  you  can  levy  at  a  time  like  this. 

MR.   DRAKE 
The  latest  about  old  Goldstein  is  he  decided 
to  go  back  to  Europe  to  make  something  out  of 
the  indemnity  we  shall  have  to  pay.     And  now 


174  STULTITIA 

they  tell  him  no,  he's  an  American.  An  inter- 
national hermaphrodite!  I  guess  there's  only  the 
back  to  Jerusalem  movement  left  for  him.  I'm 
almost  sorry  for  the  old  vulture.  The  best  of 
his  own  race  are  loudest  in  condemning  him. 

THE    GENERAL 

Speaking  of  the  Jews,  poor  Hawk  used  to  point 
to  their  wonderful  racial  power  and  persistence 
as  the  results  of  their  ancient  religious  teachings. 
They  were  taught  to  care  for  the  body  —  and  to 
propagate  and  inherit  the  earth.  We  find  the 
same  solidarity  in  the  Mormons  of  Utah  —  and 
the  idea  of  being  a  family.  Those  people  are 
giving  us  splendid,  hardy  citizens  —  plain,  clean 
men,  who  know  that  the  plain  virtues  are  never 
out  of  date.  Hawk  longed  to  see  the  whole 
American  nation  have  that  solidarity,  that  seri- 
ousness, and  propagate,  make  the  desert  bloom, 
and  inherit  the  earth.  We've  got  to  learn  to. 
We'll  need  lots  of  good  healthy  men  before  we 
get  through. 

SENATOR   DORMANT 

That's  so,  and  we've  got  to  show  the  interna- 
tional bankers  that  we  can  raise  money  without 


FOURTH    DISCUSSION  175 

their  help  and  show  the  international  labor  agita- 
tors that  American  workmen  and  capital  can  live 
in  peace  and  build  battleships  and  build  them  fast 
if  we  have  to  deport  that  whole  bunch, —  capital 
or  labor, —  that's  too  good  to  have  a  country. 

THE   GENERAL 

Our  reports  show  that  all  the  Latin-Americans 
are  getting  tremendously  friendly.  They  all  love 
the  Monroe  Doctrine  now. 

SENATOR   DORMANT 

{Bitterly)  Yes,  all  those  little  devils  used  to 
fool  me  about  their  liberties  and  their  national 
honor  and  tell  me  that  Drake's  policy  was  too  ag- 
gressive. Why,  you  ought  to  see  the  letters 
they're  writing  me  now.  They're  as  bad  as  my 
constituents. 

MR.    SHUFFLER 

Yes,  I  guess  we'll  all  live  in  Washington  after 
this.     It'll  be  pretty  uncomfortable  at  home. 

THE    GENERAL 
{Looking  at  his  watch)  Gentlemen,  I'm  expect- 
ing some  ladies,  but  it  will  only  be  my  daughter 


176  STULTITIA 

and  poor  Mrs.  Hawk.  {Heaving  a  sigh)  The 
hardest  part  of  my  duties  is  to  answer  the  ques- 
tions of  the  women  who  come  to  ask  about  their 
husbands  and  sons. 

SENATOR   ROCK 

You  would  not  know  the  Barneys  now.  Since 
Charley  Barney  was  killed,  poor  Mrs.  Barney's 
a  different  woman. 

THE   GENERAL 

Young  Barney  died  gallantly.  He  was  a  young 
fool,  but  there  was  good  stuff  in  him  way  down 
underneath.  {The  old  colored  Messenger 
comes  in  and  speaks  to  The  General.  The 
General  looks  at  his  watch  again  and  says  to  the 
Senators  in  a  low  hurried  voice)  It  is  poor 
Mrs.  Hawk  coming  to  inquire  whether  Hawk's 
body  has  been  found. 

Drake  goes  and  opens  the  door.  There  stand 
on  the  threshold  Mrs.  Hawk,  heavily  veiled, 
and  Mrs.  Drake,  also  wearing  black.  They 
pause  a  moment,  the  Senators  and  Mr. 
Shuffler  all  stand  up  in  respectful  attitude. 
The  ladies  enter  and  sit  at  the  right  of  the 
desk  of  The  Chief  of  Staff. 


FOURTH    DISCUSSION  177 

THE    GENERAL 

(To  Mrs.  Hawk)  You  know  all  these  gen- 
tlemen, my  dear.  They're  all  heartbroken  like 
you.  They've  all  been  punished  sorely,  and  theirs 
is  the  bitterness  of  regret.  You  have  lost  your 
husband  in  a  noble  cause.  Would  you  rather 
speak  to  me  privately,  or  may  they  remain? 

MRS.    HAWK 
(In  a  voice  hardly  audible)      Oh,  yes,  I  only 
want  the  news.     Has  any  news  come? 

THE    GENERAL 

(Reaching  for  a  paper)  Yes,  my  dear,  a  de- 
spatch came  this  afternoon.  (Putting  on  his 
glasses  and  scrutinizing  the  paper)  The  enemy 
had  landed  a  body  of  infantry  with  machine  guns. 
Colonel  Hawk's  command,  acting  as  infantry,  was 
defending  the  knoll  where  the  flag  flew  on  the 
fortifications.  They  had  repelled  three  charges 
of  overwhelming  numbers.  The  enemy's  fleet 
bombarded  the  position  with  thirteen-inch  shells. 
The  same  shell  demolished  the  flag-staff  and  killed 
your  gallant  husband.  Nothing  was  found  but 
his  sword.  (The  General's  voice  trembles  with 
emotion,  he  wipes  his  eyeglasses  briskly  and  clears 


178  STULTITIA 

his    throat)      I    had    them    send    that   back    for 
you. 

He  goes  to  his  desk  and  takes  the  sword  and 
hands  it  to  Mrs.  Hawk.  She  bends  over  it 
in  anguish.  Mrs.  Drake  comes  and  puts 
her  arm  around  her  and  tries  to  comfort  her. 
Drake  goes  and  stands  near  his  wife,  hold- 
ing her  hand. 

MRS.    DRAKE 

Remember,  dear,  we're  going  to  carry  on  your 
husband's  work. 

THE    GENERAL 

The  night  before  Hawk  went  to  the  war  he  let 
us  see  into  his  heart;  he  let  us  understand  his  con- 
ception of  the  American  nation  as  a  happy  family 
working  together  for  the  greatest  good  and  hap- 
piness of  all.  His  criticism  was  severe  because  his 
ideal  was  so  high.  He  loved  his  country  with  his 
whole  heart  and  soul.  His  ideals  of  America 
were  no  distant  vision.  To  him  they  were  a  rule 
of  life,  a  yearning  passion  for  realization.  He 
believed  in  the  America  of  his  ideals.  {Pause) 
Edith,  do  you  want  to  take  his  sword  with  you  ? 


FOURTH    DISCUSSION  179 

MRS.    HAWK 

(Who  has  been  patting  the  sword  unconsciously } 
presses  her  lips  to  it  and  then  holds  it  out  to  The 
General)  No,  General,  I  want  it  to  hang  there 
with  the  Revolutionary  sword  until  my  little  boy 
is  old  enough  to  understand. 

THE  GENERAL 
( Takes  the  sword  and  walks  slowly  over  and 
hangs  it  up  in  its  old  place;  and,  lingering  with  his 
hand  on  the  crossed  swords,  says)  God  grant 
they  may  never  be  unsheathed  again.  God  grant 
that  we  may  defend  the  peace  of  America  by  pre- 
paredness and  not  by  bloodshed. 

Another  pause.  The  General  goes  hack  and 
stands  with  his  hand  on  Mrs.  Hawk's  shoul- 
der. 

MRS.    DRAKE 

(To  the  Senators)  Mrs.  Hawk  has  given 
her  entire  fortune  to  carry  on  Harry's  work. 

MR.    DRAKE 

(To  the  Senators)  Hawk  and  I  had  a  com- 
pact to  organize  the  National  Patriotic  League 
with  a  branch  in  every  town,  village,  county  and 


180  STULTITIA 

ward  to  revive  the  old  American  spirit  and  awaken 
the  people  to  trust  in  each  other  and  to  work  to- 
gether, to  be  patriotic  and  to  discharge  the  duties 
of  our  representative  government. 

MRS.    DRAKE 

(To  the  Senators)  And  you'll  all  help  us, 
won't  you?  (Pleadingly)  You'll  all  join  this 
Patriotic  League?  Edith  will  never  stop  crying. 
Won't  you  help  me  comfort  her  ?  Won't  you  join 
as  Americans  in  keeping  her  husband's  memory 
green  and  carrying  out  her  husband's  work?  Go 
home  now  and  begin  doing  your  duty  to  your  coun- 
try. Remember  we're  all  one  family.  Do  let  us 
all  join  to  make  the  family  good  and  happy  — 
that's  the  important  thing  —  not  to  be  rich  and 
big  and  miserable. 

Curtain 


/ 


o 


h 


